no advise, just my feelings

[Heart2Heart81]

Am I trully alone in this OCD, I know everyone has it. It's taking away my life , I've dealt with this sense I was a little girl. I'm 27 and been through therapy medicine ..and still stuck in a horrible place. I'm blessed but I can't enjoy my blessing and I'm making my husband miserable. Sometimes It's hard to know the reality of things because there is always a hude amount of doubt. I find no peace within my self, I don't think I can handle it much longer its finally getting all of me and taking me down. I've been through all types of OCD darkness, this is the worst. I live under the " law" of OCD and I'm not my own.  this is such a battle that I never win, no victory is in this for me personally.

I've lost all hope, and only am a burden to the ones that love me. I cant even touch my daugther without feeling im contaminating her, my husband cant do anything without having to wash his hands on my behalf. I'm scared and I cant be a wife and a mother and be okay. I cant be human and be okay, every where I walk I have to be careful so I dont touch anything, everytime i type like now or use bathroom the religious thoughts are there controling what I have to do. I deal with germ religion reasurrance... my family cant handle the reassurance of it it drives everyone to frustration.

I wish they could only understand that how they are frustrated, but they dont deal with OCD directly as I do because It's in my brain they deal with it through me and yes its hard and tuff, so its worst for me whisdh that understanding was there. I feel alone, I believe very much in Jesus and can't pray because i get intrusive thoughts but im forced to pray and leads into prayers that annoy me ritual praying. FEAR FEAR FEAR, DOUBTS, CONFUSION all of OCD its so tricky some days i can get by at the moment without the ritual and then run into the same thing and it drives me insane until i do the ritual like a nagging nat. I try and swat the thoughts away, but they keep nagging at me until i respond.

My OCD acts as if its God inside my mind, nothing feels right, and I wash my hands to raw and pain and cant put lotion on becase its contimated..I look at my daugther and feel sad because I'm afraid i will cause problems if i dont wash wash wash and im worn out.. im tried of my life, it never stops I hope for Jesus to take me to heaven where peace is there and no OCD can EVER reach me again.. but I have to stay on this earth until he calls me home. I'm not asking for help anymore because i know there is none.. im just saying how I feel, not that it will matter.. I dont want to do this anymore.. but I'm forced to live with OCD there is no life for me outside of OCD it is me.. and I hate myself.. just needing to vent and this is not a im going to end myself because I cant my faith wont allow that ..

this is im stuck in a dark world of my own and im extrmely unhappy and I guess I'll always be....hope for me personally is not there for me.. for others hope is alive.. for me I guess i just dont deserve it.. I don't know ./. and I dont know why im such a bad person to deserve this when all I try to be is good I'm not perfect but i dont deserve this pain... atleast thats how I feel... but i guess i do..anyhow I know God in my personal relationship but still feel dark. please dont say give this to God because i cant talk to himwithout interuption and it comes right back.. yes i know I stand in Gods way of help, i guess im doomed on earth until by day of heavebn comes I guess thats when i'll live and thats what i look foward to.

[lasvegasgirl6]

okay you say you don't want any advice  oh well I am just commiserate with you, When you wrote your hands are raw you struck a nerve because I used to be a hand washing freak at age 4 till about 23 so I had to respond . Some times you just want to rant and I get that . You are not alone _I been there got t shirt, (I am trying so hard not to give advice) I know what your going through, and I will pray for you ! your compassionate friend Lori

[ray451]

I just wanted to send you some love, from far away where I am to where you are, through all the ******** that's around us. I have my own obsessions - we are in our unique hellish corners. Fear seems to drive me to repeat and repeat the same destructive things. Fear of doing the things I want to do but am too scared to. They sham an escape for me, just so long as they last. Just so long as they last, I don't need to think about everything else. I know the whole time it's temporary. But the anxiety comes on me and I can't seem to cope so back I go to the same old 'safe' but pointless things. But I didn't want to write about me. I just wanted to say you are wrong. You don't deserve to be that way. Don't believe me? Just close your eyes and imagine you are watching someone else, not you, trapped in the same obsessive cycle. See her there, the tension in her shoulders, the anguish in her being. Ask yourself, does she deserve to be that way? She doesn't. Neither do you. Hope is the one thing that can never ever be banished because nobody knows or totally controls what the future holds. That person and you, there's no difference. You are passengers on the same ship, and neither know what may be around the corner because that is not just down to you. Play your part and accept it when it comes. Do it for her.

[books33]

I also know how you feel. People with OCD are so hard on themselves. When I can't do things right, I worry that something bad is going to happen or that I am a bad person. We are obsessed with perfection and it's hard to change. Other around us seem to tolerate life so well, and are comfortable in their given situations, but people w/ OCD can't forgive themselves or feel content with the work they do. Just know, you're not alone. And it's okay to be imperfect because nobody is perfect. It's hard to remember that 24/7 too. OCD is hard to combat because, without it, we feel like we've lost control of our lives. Just do your best to forgive yourself when you're not perfect. Jesus loves you and he is compassionate towards you, try to be patient toward yourself the way he is patient and longsuffering toward you. Try to see the bigger picture. Don't be angry at yourself for being this way, either. You are a good person or you wouldn't care so much about perfecting your life. That's a good thing! It's not a good thing when it's overdone. But it's okay, I'm just saying I know how you feel and I'm so glad there are others out there who are suffering with this because I know I'm not alone. It is so easy to feel alone when you suffer from OCD and no one else in your family/circle of friends understands and you feel pinpointed.

Thanks.

[kindaworried24]

No you are not alone with this battle with OCD. I have been where you have been and I am currently struggling myself. I completly understand how frustrating it is, and it is clearly mental torture for anyone who suffers with OCD. I have had a similiar fear dealing with "Contamination OCD", and I know how it can take a toll on your personal life. I am sure you hear this all the time from people but maybe it will help since we are both going through this at the same time. You have to live your life! The fears we both have are not real, we think they are, but they are not. You also sound like you have a nice family, and you are missing out enjoying life with them because of OCD. I too have missed out on many oppourtunities due to my OCD. I agree with LLFgirl, that some counseling might help, I am trying it now as well.

It also seems like you are a very religious person, and I think having religious beliefs is a great thing. Have you ever talked to a priest? Maybe talking to him about Jesus will give you some confort on the intrusive thoughts that you have while praying.

I really hope you get through this and that everything works out....I think you will pull through!  

Good Luck

[LLFgirl]

Do you see a professional counselor about your OCD? It might help you. Also, a good book to read is Brain Lock by Schartz and this will help you break free of your OCD behavior. It helped me a lot.
LLFGirl