End-of-Life Planning?

[PF_PVD]

What no one wants to talk about but those of us with cancer surely think about…

I have always been a planner.  When I began recurring, I panicked but once we had a treatment plan, I was fine.  Also, I’ve had good times and I’ve had bad times, and I know you don’t always get warnings about the bad times.  Things can change so fast.  Last month, I went from working full time and enjoying life to being hospitalized, having surgery, major tumor growth, and having to take nourishment through a tube—in less than one week!  Everytime I go into the hospital now, I wonder if I will come out again.  So, I’ve already made some decisions about my death.  I can make them now while I am relatively pain-free and not rushed.  Probably the most important one being unusual these days—I don’t want to die at home.  I have lived in this town for less than two years, and lived here only 9 months when I was diagnosed (my company moved me here for a job).  The move happened so fast, that we sold our house in FL and decided to rent here and look to buy later.  Well, we won’t be buying anytime soon, now with my health issues and work uncertainty.  This place I live is just that and holds no attachment for me.  Fortunately, we have a great oncology floor at my hospital with a very good nursing staff.  My understanding is that you can have hospice in the hospital, too.  My husband is a hoverer because he wants to make everything right, and he would never get (take) a break at home.  I have to force him out of my hospital room.  The burial stuff is easy, as I think it’s a waste of real estate.  

I’ve also been told that ovca will be what “gets” me, and I’ve discovered I’m OK with that.  I actually like knowing this, as I feel somewhat in control.  I also know that I will have warning—that I don’t have to worry about being a frail old lady who drops dead in the supermarket aisle with her droopy breasts bared to the public in an attempt by paramedics to save her life!  I’m sorry to be flip, but I think a terminal diagnosis earns me the right.  

So, have others thought about these end-of-life issues or I am just weird?  Don’t waste your pity on me, as I don’t feel particularly sad thinking about these things, because as I said I like to plan and I do feel some measure of control over my life.  It’s actually very empowering.  Can we please hear from only those who are actually dealing with advanced cancer, as there is very little of that on the forum these days?  Unless you actually have cancer, your perspective on this topic is far different from those of us who do.  I hope you will respect this.  Paula

[Jan214]

Paula, I to have gotten a few emails about this post already and you were right to ask those without cancer to not post.  (Always love hearing from you though Alan & we know that you know.)  They don't get it.  It is a beautiful day here, I am going to go out and plant my lettuce bed and have a great dinner ready for Cory and remind him that we are still newlyweds.  I am not going anywhere right now, but to know that everything is taken care of and that my family won't have to go through my stuff wondering what to do with it, or plan a funeral is a great relief to me and I can enjoy my life MORE knowing these things are taken care of.  For those of you that are worried, please don't be.  I am not being morbid and I am not planning on dying today.  Please don't take this the wrong way, but no matter what you think, if you are not facing the possibility of death with this monster than you can't possibly know what it is like to deal with it and not be unhappy. As with Paula, my minister does not think I am morbid, just doing my usual type A personality, control freak thing.  Honestly, I feel good and i am smiling for the first time in months.   Thanks for your concern, but you are going to have to find some way to make yourself understand that you don't understand and that's okay.  I hope you never do!!!!!
Jan

[aligator79]

There is nothing more helpful to your family than to have you wishes written down and made known.  This is a fantastic idea for anyone, not just those that are sick.  My aunt and uncle have had thier arrangements made for 20 years and when my aunt had a stroke and slipped away- he knew exactly what she wanted and was totally okay with it- the rest of us (his family) 1000 miles away weren't as okay with it but he described it as a soothing balm on a painful wound- it helped.  My sister and I have been trying to get our parents to at least write a will- we know nothing about thier wishes.  When we brought it up to them, mom thought it was a good idea and dad shocked us all.  He had been adament years ago about not being cremated- not sure why- now he said- cremate me- it's cheaper.  With 7 of us siblings- we need thier wishes.  It's not morbid or having a bad day- it's being incredibly smart and thinking of your loved ones too.- just my $.02.

[Jan214]

By the way, if anyone else tells me that they could get hit by a car and be dead and that none of us knows when we will die, I will find you and I will hurt you.  Do people even realize how DUMB that sounds to someone in my position.  Okay, so I could die of OvCa tomorrow AND I could also get hit by a car you idiot and yes you know who I am talking to.

[Steve H]

When my wife Violet died in Jan this year, we as the family always felt that she would somehow beat the odds, she obviously felt the same, but 'just in case' and without telling anyone, made sure all was prepared, when I went lookiung for documents, ie wedding certificates, she had penciled notes, rememeber this, take that, she wanted to return home to the UK for cremation, we had discussed all, but just in case she had prepared all documents including packing lists, had us feel she was still looking over us. It helped so, I feel this is important, discuss all, she wished to be brought home after, but also to use some of her ashes to be converted to 3 diamonds through lifegem, this process has already started. Steve

[PF_PVD]

It is certainly good to hear both your perspective from "the other side."  My greatest wish is that I am doing this planning for nothing, but if not, then spare my family as much as possible.  As you and others have said, this can be done quietly and discreetly.  Paula

[vegas2cr]

I am also doing some planning.. When I was 12 years old my Grandpa bought me my first pair of high heels and I will never forget that. 45 years later the thrill is still there thinking of that day.. he passed away one year later.  

When I was home to Vegas 3 weeks ago I took my 11 year old granddaughter and we had her ears pierced.. her word... "Grandma I will never forget this day" and I am sure she won't ... my daughter had been against it but said okay do it Mom...

My grandson her brother turned 16 Monday.. When he gets his drivers license his car insurance is paid for 2 years...His brother who is 6 wanted a fancy steak dinner when I was there... we went out to the best and people gawked as I paid $29.00 for his steak and watched him eat the whole thing..

In June I am surprising my other granddaughter as she is singing a solo for her school.. Its an operatic aria...

I have accepted that I am going to die.. way before I would like to... I was told recently to stop living in the past and stop constantly thinking of the future.. so I leave you all with this thought and I hope it doesn't offend anyone..
"If you live with one foot in the past and the other in the future you are pissing on today"Just try to remember to leave your footprint on those you love.... Ronni