I'm off!

[Brownie3321]

It’s been a bizarre day. I can’t sleep so I thought I would write out my feelings for you all to read. My nerves have got the best of me (which explains the wide-eyed, pacing Deandra) because I am leaving tomorrow to Houston to begin my “kick cancer in the @ss” adventure. You know what’s odd about this whole procedure… my state of mind. I continually have people asking me if I am afraid to go through this, if I’m panicked about the pain I will feel. Absolutely not. I could give a d@mn about the collection of stem cells, or the 5 noxious chemo drugs administered in one generous dose, or the lengthy time I will spend over a toilet throwing up, or the stem cell transplant. Who cares? I’ve been through enough already, I can hang with this. What I am DREADING… is the time I have to spend in the hospital. All I know is there better not be any sharp objects or loose material hanging around, because last time I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, I almost tried to hang myself. Okay, that’s a little over-dramatic, but there is nothing worse than having to reside in a hospital room for longer than a day. I will be in a “special” room where only “special” clothes and shoes are allowed for 3 ½ weeks. No joke. The other thought weighing heavily on my mind is, what if this doesn’t work? I know what you all are thinking. ‘You can’t think that way, be positive!’ Frankly, when you are diagnosed with late stage ovarian cancer (chronic illness), that thought is inevitably going to enter your mind. It’s very difficult for me to talk to family and loved ones about this thought. I can’t imagine being in my parents shoes. They want nothing more than to take my place. They would put me in a frying pan and watch me fry to a crisp if there was a chance it would keep me alive. When you are on the opposite side, watching someone fight cancer, you want them to do EVERYTHING humanly possible to battle their disease. Lethal injections of chemo? Yes, she will do that and don’t be stingy with that dose! Stem cell transplant? PLEASE, whatever it takes doc. Fly to S. Africa to a medicine man that will have her eat snake eyes and dance around naked? Sign her up! It’s heartbreaking to watch them watch me fight this vile, s*itty cancer. The same goes for Luke. He constantly makes me promise I will fight to the bitter end because he ‘couldn’t live without me.’ I can’t bring up memories of being in the ICU unit, or the numerous hospital visits, or the time my heart monitor flat lined out of mistake without bringing tears to his eyes. He asked me to marry him. There were so many people in disbelief on how he handled his girlfriend being diagnosed with cancer. He NEVER left my side. I remember him telling me he didn’t understand why so many people kept telling him his strength was inspiring and how they themselves would never be able to deal with this. He was honestly dumfounded. His exact words were ‘what the hell was I going to do?? Leave? No way, I love her.’ I explained to him he would be surprised at the amount of people who could not deal with it, who would end up leaving their partner because they couldn’t take it. They couldn’t deal with the everyday thought ‘is he/she going to die’, or the relentless hospital visits, or even the physical aspect of it. Not Luke, his love only grew stronger for me. About a week ago he surprised me with his FIRST tattoo of the teal ovarian cancer ribbon, my astrology sign underneath, and the words “God Speed” above the whole design. For those of you that don’t know that phrase, it means good luck on your journey, may you prosper.  I am blessed to have so many people in my life that love me. On Monday the salon through me a going away/beat cancer party that was a blast. They all gave me a memento that I could take with me to remind me of them while I was gone. Today was my last day at the salon and you all know how much I hate to cry in front of people, but those tears were flowing when I gave each one of those girls a hug. They were all crying with me, forcing me to get into my car and drive to the alley where I sobbed for 20 minutes. Cancer fu@king sucks!!! Those girls mean the world to me…
Well, it’s 4:30am and I should try to get some sleep. Please keep me in your prayers, and I promise to drop kick and punch the sh*t out of this cancer! I will try to update as much as I can. Much love, D

[crecco]

I also hope that I have caught you in time. Please know that all our thoughts and prayers will be with you and if we could everyone of us would be right there beside you cheering you on. You are an inspiration to us all, and if anyone can do this, you can! I can only imagine waht you will be going through. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, what better place to do that! We are all here for you so please don't forget that. We will anxiously be waiting to hear from you when you are up to it. Hang in there girlfriend!!! Sending love and big hugs your way and as Luke said, may God speed!
Love Chris

[msjazz]

I sent you a note last night, but just in case, know you are in my thoughts. I hope this will be your miracle. I am praying for your success with this. That is cute about the medicine man. I would go for that. Lol.     Love Donna

[Helmar]

Dear Deandra.....Blessings and all the best for your trip... and don't forget to take that little kangaroo with you....mate. :-)  Look forward to hearing the best news soon...love and hugs..Helen...

[gah_70]

Don't know when you are leaving, but I hope I have caught you in time.  I want to wish you the best of luck, and yes, God Speed.  You are going to an amazing place for an amazing procedure.  I hate the thought of you being so confined and feeling like you want to pull what hair you have out.  Any way you look at it, it certainly isn't fun.  I will be praying this is the answer for you and you do really well.  Sending love and prayers your way today, and always!

Love,
Gail

[Sandymac]

I don't know you personally either, but I have kept up with your journey and have so much admiration for you. You are such a brave young woman. I only wanted to add my voice to the many others wishing only good things for you. Hoping for a complete recovery and I just know this will work out for you..

Love,
Sandy

[marie3B]

I don't know you personally, but have seen such a look of strong, determined power in your profile photos. I have also read many of your posts. Your strength shows in your words. So go on now and kick this cancer's @ss. You are the person that can do it. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Marie