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Joke of the Day Thread
Heading out to chemo soon so starting off this day with some humor. Here are 3 that I hope you enjoy and feel free to post your own also. If you don't know any there are tons on the net. Have a lovely day ladies and in spite of what our days will be let's all find something to smile about.
A man comes home and his wife is waiting in the living room with her suitcases packed. He asks where she is going. She haughtily replies, "I just found out I can get $400.00 in Vegas for what I do for you for free". The man rushes upstairs packs a bag and comes back to the living room. The wife says, "and where do you think you're going"? He looks at her and says, "I am going with you, I want to see you live on $800.00 a year"!!
___________________________________________________________________________________
(THIS IS FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THIS DR)
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the muffler."
_______________________________________________________________________________
(THIS ONE MUST HAVE CHEMO BRAIN)
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A man comes home and his wife is waiting in the living room with her suitcases packed. He asks where she is going. She haughtily replies, "I just found out I can get $400.00 in Vegas for what I do for you for free". The man rushes upstairs packs a bag and comes back to the living room. The wife says, "and where do you think you're going"? He looks at her and says, "I am going with you, I want to see you live on $800.00 a year"!!
___________________________________________________________________________________
(THIS IS FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THIS DR)
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the muffler."
_______________________________________________________________________________
(THIS ONE MUST HAVE CHEMO BRAIN)
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Thought it was time to update this tread!
Cute Youtube video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oh9H2kcUbtc
Cute Youtube video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oh9H2kcUbtc
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great week end of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have t O a dmit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great week end of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have t O a dmit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'
Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'
Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'
About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle
had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a
hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get
my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric
oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough
to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30
MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and
drove off.
I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A
minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror
coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have
been a bit more clear with my directions!
had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a
hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get
my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric
oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough
to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30
MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and
drove off.
I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A
minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror
coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have
been a bit more clear with my directions!
This is a groaner so look out............
frog goes into this bank and hops up to the loan officer's desk.
The loan officer says: "Hello I'm John Paddywack, can I help you?" The frog says: "Yes I'd like a loan."
The officer decides to humor the frog and takes a form out of his desk and says: "OK what is your last name?" To which the frog replies "Jagger." The officer still doubting the frogs veracity says, "Well, Mr. Jagger, do you have any collateral?" The frog pulls out a small pink ceramic elephant and hands it to Mr Paddywack asking can he use this?
The loan officer, barely able to contain himself, but still humoring the frog says: "Well, I'm not sure. Excuse me for a minute; I'll have to consult with the bank president." The frog says: "Oh, he knows my dad, tell him Mick sends his regards."
In the presidents office John shows the object, and says, there's a frog out here who wants a loan and this is all he has for collateral and I don't even know what it is.
The bank president responds in a melodious voice:
It's a knickknack, Paddywack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone.
frog goes into this bank and hops up to the loan officer's desk.
The loan officer says: "Hello I'm John Paddywack, can I help you?" The frog says: "Yes I'd like a loan."
The officer decides to humor the frog and takes a form out of his desk and says: "OK what is your last name?" To which the frog replies "Jagger." The officer still doubting the frogs veracity says, "Well, Mr. Jagger, do you have any collateral?" The frog pulls out a small pink ceramic elephant and hands it to Mr Paddywack asking can he use this?
The loan officer, barely able to contain himself, but still humoring the frog says: "Well, I'm not sure. Excuse me for a minute; I'll have to consult with the bank president." The frog says: "Oh, he knows my dad, tell him Mick sends his regards."
In the presidents office John shows the object, and says, there's a frog out here who wants a loan and this is all he has for collateral and I don't even know what it is.
The bank president responds in a melodious voice:
It's a knickknack, Paddywack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone.
The question of Hell's existence
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it w/ colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, whywe now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls exist in the world today, most of these religions state that if you are not a member of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now , we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it w/ colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, whywe now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls exist in the world today, most of these religions state that if you are not a member of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now , we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
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