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Joke of the Day Thread
Heading out to chemo soon so starting off this day with some humor. Here are 3 that I hope you enjoy and feel free to post your own also. If you don't know any there are tons on the net. Have a lovely day ladies and in spite of what our days will be let's all find something to smile about.
A man comes home and his wife is waiting in the living room with her suitcases packed. He asks where she is going. She haughtily replies, "I just found out I can get $400.00 in Vegas for what I do for you for free". The man rushes upstairs packs a bag and comes back to the living room. The wife says, "and where do you think you're going"? He looks at her and says, "I am going with you, I want to see you live on $800.00 a year"!!
___________________________________________________________________________________
(THIS IS FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THIS DR)
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the muffler."
_______________________________________________________________________________
(THIS ONE MUST HAVE CHEMO BRAIN)
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A man comes home and his wife is waiting in the living room with her suitcases packed. He asks where she is going. She haughtily replies, "I just found out I can get $400.00 in Vegas for what I do for you for free". The man rushes upstairs packs a bag and comes back to the living room. The wife says, "and where do you think you're going"? He looks at her and says, "I am going with you, I want to see you live on $800.00 a year"!!
___________________________________________________________________________________
(THIS IS FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THIS DR)
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the muffler."
_______________________________________________________________________________
(THIS ONE MUST HAVE CHEMO BRAIN)
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered
up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked
"What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied:
" I'm not real sure, but I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered
up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked
"What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied:
" I'm not real sure, but I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."
Ok this is a link to you tube and is absolutely hilarious. Don't watch unless you don't mind crying because you laugh so hard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k
Enjoy! :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k
Enjoy! :-)
A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.
She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"
The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"
She says: "Pepper."
A Hiking We Will Go.....
Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the
usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees
(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast
day), etc., etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin
off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied
the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. "That
was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the
TV satellite dishes point south."
Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the
usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees
(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast
day), etc., etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin
off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied
the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. "That
was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the
TV satellite dishes point south."
Ever notice how all of our problems begin with men!!! (oldie but goodie)
MEN-tal illness
MEN-strual cramps
MEN-tal breakdown
MEN-opause
GUY-nocologist
AND
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS-terectomy
_____________________________________________
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner
Q: What is the definition of transvestite?
A: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!
________________________________________________
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself
MEN-tal illness
MEN-strual cramps
MEN-tal breakdown
MEN-opause
GUY-nocologist
AND
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS-terectomy
_____________________________________________
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner
Q: What is the definition of transvestite?
A: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!
________________________________________________
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
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