Three year's ago today...

[Tybear]

Yes, it's been three years already, since my diagnosis. September 30th, 2005. I can tell you one thing - I certainly didn't think I'd be in the position I'm in now, back then. I think about how niave I was...I really thought you just did the chemo and your cancer was gone and you would never have to deal with it again. Life would go back to normal..boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm having a hard time with today...I'm very happy that I'm alive and here and still able to fight but I'm also scared to death. I know you shouldn't look at statistics, but, let's face it...it is what it is. I'm three years into my "expected life span"...it's pretty frightening.
It doesn't help that I'm in pain almost every day it seems. I went to my family doctor today and had a total mental breakdown on him - poor guy didn't know what hit him! I pretty much said enough with the pain meds, enough of trying to make me a comatose Mommy, I want this nephrostomy removed - it's truly ruining my life. I hardly leave my house anymore...I can barely walk to the end of the driveway somedays to drop my son off for the bus. I was in agony yesterday because my son and I went to our garden and picked our pumpkins...I can't lift a 10lb pumpkin anymore without it laying me out for a couple hours? This just doesn't seem right to me...he said he would call and speak to my urologist about my situation.
I also decided that I'm going to go back on the Avastin as soon as possible. I see what Donna and Leslee are going through and I think to myself, "what are you? stupid?! why are you playing these wait and see games with your LIFE?"... There's too much at stake for me to just sit here and *hope* my cancer doesn't grow...
Anyways, sorry for all the blabbering...just wanted to say that I'm here, three years in - who knows what the future holds for me.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift..that's why they call it the present.

Love to you all,
Becky

[jlock]

First let me congratulate you on your 3 year anniversary.  I find that I seem to reflect on my anniversary date as well.  You are not naive either.....we all found ourselves in this new world without even being able to protest.  You are here and you have so much to look forward to as someone above said "statitics are stupid!" You are more than a number.  I do understand totally as I'm coming up to my 4th year...and of course I'm really sick right now..so it has me spooked..but I refuse to let it control my life...enjoy this day, try not to think of the bad but the promising future you will have.  (((hugz)))~~~Joanne

[Hazel30]

Becky,  I cannot even imagine how you feel but I wanted to let you know that I think about you often and find you a very strong beautiful person.  You and I are the same age and Im fighting this fight for and with my Mom, going on 3 years.  Its hard and its an emotional roller coaster very day, for you, for those who are battling the disease, and for the loved ones fighting along with you.  You must be strong, have faith, and everything that you did today..do it better tomorrow.  As JC145 said...good luck in year 4 and many more ahead.
Fiana

[JC145]

Well .. here's to the start of year 4 .. may it be a surprisingly good year with the chemo doing it's job and you enjoying your son.   I would think all of us on this forum live with statistics and numbers .. it's part of the deal.  The real beauty of this forum is having women who know exactly how you feel and can relate.  I know of no better place to share (blabber if you will).  God bless you, Becky .. and good luck in year 4.  Judy

[Patricia228]

Thanks Becky,
Your note reaches out far more that what you think.  I'm only beginning this road and I'm not even sure which road I'm on as I'm waiting for a 2nd opinion pathology report.  Your words have touched me in a way that I can't explain.  It's truth, reality, sadness, courage, strength; it's a reminder that we need to be conscious, aware and an advocate to our own health.  Your "blabbering" is not that, its "giving"....giving us something to think about.  THANK YOU!

Take care and I wish you the best.  Hugs to you and your son!

[lvfrogs]

Becky,
I imagine that yesterday was extremely emotional for you. I am glad that you are here, 3 years from dx and you are such a strong, compassionate woman. Tyson loves you so much and you love him so much, that is what matters most.  I love your quote about today being a gift, that is why they call it present. I am going to put that on all my emails, hopefully, it will remind others about living for today. I am thankful for the gift of you, hugs, Colleen

[Brownie3321]

Becky,
I don't know what to say. I just feel for you so much. If I knew what to say I would say it to myself. i guess what I am trying to say is that if I told you to be positive and to stop thinking about how long you will live I would be a phony. I think about this all the time and it's completely natural. Of course you will have days even months like this especially around the day you were diagnosed. What I try to do when I start to feel depressed is put on episodes of Sex and the City or some show/movie that is funny. Something that you can drown out to for an hour or two.
You are a very special woman Becky and your strength has carried you this far, I feel it will continue to do so. Please email me if you need anything or would just like to talk. I don't have your number and I would love to talk to you sometime. With love, D

[justscore]

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift..that's why they call it the present."
I love this quote.  

Keep fighting and enjoy the time w/your son.  

Heidi

[turtle221]

Becky,

Please never be sorry for sharing your feelings on this board.  That is what it is here for and everyone here cares about you.  You are a wonderful person and mom.  You are an inspiration to everyone who knows you.  Statistics are just numbers and they are there to be defied.  

As always, praying for you.
Turtle

[crecco]

Becky,
  I know how very hard it is. You are not babblingand your feelings are normal. I know that when I have a bad day, I stop and look at what some of you are going through and I wonder what is wrong with me. What right do I have to complain compared to so many of you and what you are putting up with.
You are a strong woman. Look 3 years now! I know that you will do what ever it takes for that little boy of yours. I am glad to see that you are going back on the avastin and hope that it will continue working for you.
My 3 years is coming up soon also and I know that we will both be around for many more years to come.
   Love Chris

[kmccarthy]

Becky, never, never give up hope. We are human beings and statistics are stupid.  I hope Karen Bonsignore's (CNN News, dx ovca) post-surgery quote below inspires you, particularly the last paragraph.

Kelly


"When I returned home from the hospital I put up a Post-It note on my bathroom mirror that read:

May 27, 2008
Today I am CANCER FREE

Beneath those words I counted each day post surgery. I thought that I would count to 365, at which time I would celebrate a year of being cancer free. I was vigilant about marking the days until one Thursday I simply forgot. By the time I realized that I’d stopped, I’d lost count altogether. I didn’t need to look back to see how far I’d come; I knew very well what I’d been through and I only wanted to face forward.

I’m a firm believer in the mind-body connection but I’m here to tell you that it’s nearly impossible to think positively when your bones hurt, your muscles ache, you’re nauseated and you’re so exhausted you can barely move. In fact, some people believe that if they don’t think positively all of the time, they will somehow cause their cancer to return. For me, dark thoughts are inevitable, and when they surface I allow them to enter, I feel them and acknowledge whatever fear comes to pass, and then I ask them to leave. On one particularly difficult day I asked my son, Cody, how I was supposed to remain positive when I felt so awful? He answered simply: I guess you just have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day. And so I do.

I believe that tomorrow will be a better day. I believe that I am strong. I believe that I’m meant to do more here on this Earth. I believe that I will be cured. I believe that I will live."

[yrrek]

I want to thank you for your post, I want to thank you for being a great mom, I want to thank you for having a garden, I want to thank you for the courage you show, to make decisions that are really unthinkable to most, thank for being an example for all of us, thank you for being here, thank you for surviving, I need you to be all this.
Love, Kerry

[vegas2cr]

Becky, 3 times I have started this post and 3 times I just did not know what to write.. To write that you have courage, well we all know that... that you are not a statistic but a human being... you know that...What I can say is that I know you can question the doctors and try to become pain free... Do what you know is right for you....

And you never blabber...We are here for you...Marty is right you are the shining star for your son.. never keep trying... hugs Ronni

[SimplyStar]

What can I say to comfort you?  I think we all start out naive  and it is maybe a blessing that we are not able to look into the future,  There seems to be a very directed path for some of us to follow, we deviate from that path once in a while and with luck are able to stay on the "happy" path for a long time.  Yes, the stats are against us with this dam disease, but many "make it",   I am writing this, like I know Leslee would to you,  My daughters are grown and on their own, your little guy is just starting out , that is why it is so much harder for you to bare,  I will go on living through them, while you have to wonder the whys and the whats with Tyson. It is not easy  when we lose that naive  part of us and face up to the real facts that we do have cancer.  We keep looking for answers, we keep hope alive, we keep fighting  to live, and it is all worthwhile.  The pain is the hardest thing to bare, it  pulls us away from the normal life we want to share.  We take the pills to cut through the pain, we try so hard to return to that "normal" life we led before  we heard those dreaded words.  Keep trying Becky,  you are the brightest spot in your sons life and you owe it to him to keep  living,  nothing you can do right now is more important than that.    Leslee   through my Mom  

[bohan54]

Becky,
I feel for you.  Nothing I can say will make it better, just want you to know I'm pulling for you.
Sharon

[cirella]

Becky, I just want to give you a hug right now.  You ARE here and I am thankful for that.  I pray that you have many more years despite what the statistics are.  I'm sorry you are sad today.  It is an important date, a life-changing date.  I love your quote.  Today is a gift and I hope that you get some kind of little happy surprise today to cheer you up.

Take care,
L

[TrudieC]

Becky, you are an amazing woman.  We are here so you can vent when you need to and get a group of ladies who love you to listen and support you.  No doubt that today would be an important date and provide much to contemplate.  I so hope that getting back on the Avastin and possible removal of your nephrostomy gives you a better quality of life for you and your little guy.  I'm glad you are taking the present and fighting to make it better.

Hugs, Trudie