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Coming to terms
I was getting ready to make a post and try to describe what I have been going through the last several weeks and why I haven't been around. Now I am asking myself why. In the last half hour, I have come to realize that there is nothing that should be keeping me away from the people that mean the most to me. Because no matter how or what I am feeling, you all will understand. And if anyone can help me through it, it is the very people that I have shied away from.
The holidays are an especially rough time for many of us. I thought I was doing just fine. But then I realized I was doing too fine. It began to dawn on me that I was almost in a denial of some kind. I spent over a week running here and there, acting like I used to. Nothing could get me down. Then it hit me that after 3 years I was denying to myself that I had cancer. I was telling myself that I was just fine and pushing myself like I was. After putting a lot of thought into it, I think that was why I let myself get all caught up in preparations for Christmas, more than normal. I was kidding myself that there was nothing wrong with me. When I finally realized what I was doing, it then hit me like a ton of bricks. I have spent the past week in lots of thought, trying to make myself understand just what I was doing. To be truthful, I still do not really know. In looking back on the last month, I think that I was becoming more depressed than I realized and that was my way of dealing with it, don't deal with it. I told myself everyday that I was going to get on my computer and get back in real life mode again, but I could not bring myself to do it. Until today. And I am so glad that I did. In learning of Paula's passing, I realized that no matter what I think, I cannot run from it. I have to continue to be the person I have always been. Deal with it and fight it with all that I have. Pretending will not make it go away.
Also while I was living in my little fantasy world there for the last month, I did not return the notes and messages from anyone of my dear friends here. I now wonder how I could have been so stupid. So many of you sent me notes and messages expressing your concern and well wishes. I have been a fool to not reply. All of you here are my second family. You have been there for me through it all. I have come to know so many of you very closely. Some I have known longer than others, but we all still share a common bond that no one can take away from us. Though I was not around, I thought of all of you on a daily basis, as I always have. I now know that I could never do anything that would cause me to lose track of any of you. We were all brought together for a reason, no matter how long or short that time may be, there is still a reason. I love you all. And to each of you: Helen, Rita, Jen, Gia, Colleen, Dawnlyn, Terrin, Meg, Flicka, Kasie, Jamianne, angi, Sharon, Paula, westajul, marlenbeez, Jan, Lori, Marty, Fran, Ronni, Deandra, Tybear, ireneo, Pink, Joanne, Teresa, and any one else that I may have missed, please know just how much your notes and messages mean to me. I don't know if I will ever get caught up, but I promise to never let that happen again. I have come to realize just how much each and every one of you mean to me. And I want to thank you all for being there for me. I will continue to do the same for all of you, my sisters across the world.
Here is to 2009 and to friendships that will last forever.
Love Chris
The holidays are an especially rough time for many of us. I thought I was doing just fine. But then I realized I was doing too fine. It began to dawn on me that I was almost in a denial of some kind. I spent over a week running here and there, acting like I used to. Nothing could get me down. Then it hit me that after 3 years I was denying to myself that I had cancer. I was telling myself that I was just fine and pushing myself like I was. After putting a lot of thought into it, I think that was why I let myself get all caught up in preparations for Christmas, more than normal. I was kidding myself that there was nothing wrong with me. When I finally realized what I was doing, it then hit me like a ton of bricks. I have spent the past week in lots of thought, trying to make myself understand just what I was doing. To be truthful, I still do not really know. In looking back on the last month, I think that I was becoming more depressed than I realized and that was my way of dealing with it, don't deal with it. I told myself everyday that I was going to get on my computer and get back in real life mode again, but I could not bring myself to do it. Until today. And I am so glad that I did. In learning of Paula's passing, I realized that no matter what I think, I cannot run from it. I have to continue to be the person I have always been. Deal with it and fight it with all that I have. Pretending will not make it go away.
Also while I was living in my little fantasy world there for the last month, I did not return the notes and messages from anyone of my dear friends here. I now wonder how I could have been so stupid. So many of you sent me notes and messages expressing your concern and well wishes. I have been a fool to not reply. All of you here are my second family. You have been there for me through it all. I have come to know so many of you very closely. Some I have known longer than others, but we all still share a common bond that no one can take away from us. Though I was not around, I thought of all of you on a daily basis, as I always have. I now know that I could never do anything that would cause me to lose track of any of you. We were all brought together for a reason, no matter how long or short that time may be, there is still a reason. I love you all. And to each of you: Helen, Rita, Jen, Gia, Colleen, Dawnlyn, Terrin, Meg, Flicka, Kasie, Jamianne, angi, Sharon, Paula, westajul, marlenbeez, Jan, Lori, Marty, Fran, Ronni, Deandra, Tybear, ireneo, Pink, Joanne, Teresa, and any one else that I may have missed, please know just how much your notes and messages mean to me. I don't know if I will ever get caught up, but I promise to never let that happen again. I have come to realize just how much each and every one of you mean to me. And I want to thank you all for being there for me. I will continue to do the same for all of you, my sisters across the world.
Here is to 2009 and to friendships that will last forever.
Love Chris
Good for you! How unselfish of you to think of others and get them educated on oc, I always felt there was not enough awareness about it.
I never even heard of it until my mom got it in 1995. I wish you the best and send you lots of prayers as you go through your journey. Also, in reply to your orignal post...don't beat yourself up for the time you took alone, you're a very positive person and you're human, from what I see on this forum, you've helped so many already....pat yourself on the back instead, there's better days ahead.
I never even heard of it until my mom got it in 1995. I wish you the best and send you lots of prayers as you go through your journey. Also, in reply to your orignal post...don't beat yourself up for the time you took alone, you're a very positive person and you're human, from what I see on this forum, you've helped so many already....pat yourself on the back instead, there's better days ahead.
Once again you have all showed my exactly why I love you all so much.
I am feeling a lot better about things. I guess I just needed a little "play" time or something.
I did speak with my Dr yesterday about the concerns I was having and it did help. I have known that this thing could take off on its own at anytime, but just really didn't want to think about it. He was very optomistic though and has come up with several options should the need arise. He also told me (and I can hear many of you saying "I told you so") that he was not going to read a whole lot into the numbers. Since I am not full of big tumors, basically I am still in good shape. Even with my numbers as high as they are, I am in excellent shape compared to what I was when I was dx. Though it is hard not to, I am not going to worry a whole lot until he tells me that I should.
On another note, I am currently in the process of joining a program that goes around and talks to medical students about ovarian cancer. It is in the early stages still, but I have talked to a psyco-oncologist and an awaiting a call from a woman in New York. I will let you all know more about this as it progresses. So the fight is still on!
Love Chris
I am feeling a lot better about things. I guess I just needed a little "play" time or something.
I did speak with my Dr yesterday about the concerns I was having and it did help. I have known that this thing could take off on its own at anytime, but just really didn't want to think about it. He was very optomistic though and has come up with several options should the need arise. He also told me (and I can hear many of you saying "I told you so") that he was not going to read a whole lot into the numbers. Since I am not full of big tumors, basically I am still in good shape. Even with my numbers as high as they are, I am in excellent shape compared to what I was when I was dx. Though it is hard not to, I am not going to worry a whole lot until he tells me that I should.
On another note, I am currently in the process of joining a program that goes around and talks to medical students about ovarian cancer. It is in the early stages still, but I have talked to a psyco-oncologist and an awaiting a call from a woman in New York. I will let you all know more about this as it progresses. So the fight is still on!
Love Chris
Hi Chris:
I am fairly new to this forum, but I have found it very helpful when I have been so discouraged. I too, like you, delved into Christmas & the festivities as if I was like the old Sandee. It was lots of fun and I enjoyed it. Now it is back to reality for me. My CA-125 has tripled. I am scheduled to have my lymph nodes(adominal) out on Jan 14th @OSU followed by 6 more months of chemo. My tissue is going to be matched for the most efficacious chemo. I did all this one yr ago but my surgeon did not remove my lymph nodes. I am Stage IIIC. Please keep in touch and I hope the New Year brings you Love, Hope, Peace and Better Health.
Sandee
Chris - Even though I dont post as often as I used to..Please know that you are always in my thoughts and my prayers....I care a great deal about you and all the women on here..I have come to the point now where I feel being here and offering advise is not what I should be doing...all I can do is offer my support and prayers for all of you...Gia
Hey there, kid, I'll not say I am glad you are back because you never really left! You just needed a break....you took it, and now things are back to the way they were. The word "normal" covers a very wide range of behavior and yours definately fits ......just out of curiosity check it out in the dictionary.
I hope your Holidays were wonderful....you know, this might sound silly to you, but for many years now....even before I had cancer......when I began putting the holiday decorations away I wondered if anyone would know where they are if I am not here next Christmas. It didn't take cancer to make me think that way. So, every year I go about Christmas like a mad woman.....just like you did. I think that is okay. It's fun....nothing wrong with that.... Having fun doesn't mean you are in denial......celebrating life in the moment is always a good thing! If what you call "denial" is the tool you use to allow yourself to live in and celebrate th moment you are in....well, don't put it away.
I, for one, am smiling and happy for you.....you know how to live.
I hope the new year brings you lots of love, laughter, and always improving health!
Peace.
dian
I hope your Holidays were wonderful....you know, this might sound silly to you, but for many years now....even before I had cancer......when I began putting the holiday decorations away I wondered if anyone would know where they are if I am not here next Christmas. It didn't take cancer to make me think that way. So, every year I go about Christmas like a mad woman.....just like you did. I think that is okay. It's fun....nothing wrong with that.... Having fun doesn't mean you are in denial......celebrating life in the moment is always a good thing! If what you call "denial" is the tool you use to allow yourself to live in and celebrate th moment you are in....well, don't put it away.
I, for one, am smiling and happy for you.....you know how to live.
I hope the new year brings you lots of love, laughter, and always improving health!
Peace.
dian
Chris,
I think all of us understand that sometimes you need to be in denial....especially when you have been fighting as long as you have. I think most of us would give almost anything to go back to the way things were before we were diagnosed with OVCA. You have been fighting a long time. I have said this before...but all of you who have been fighting the battle for years are my heroes. The strength and fight that you show are an inspiration to me. I have only been fighting this battle a few months and the thought that this battle may last years is very daunting. I am grateful for the support and love from the second family we have become. Chris, we understand how hard this battle is and the toll it takes on you. I know I can speak for your friends in that we are here for you and anything you need just ask. It is great to hear from you and we will always be here for you. May the new year bring good news and health. Love Julie
I think all of us understand that sometimes you need to be in denial....especially when you have been fighting as long as you have. I think most of us would give almost anything to go back to the way things were before we were diagnosed with OVCA. You have been fighting a long time. I have said this before...but all of you who have been fighting the battle for years are my heroes. The strength and fight that you show are an inspiration to me. I have only been fighting this battle a few months and the thought that this battle may last years is very daunting. I am grateful for the support and love from the second family we have become. Chris, we understand how hard this battle is and the toll it takes on you. I know I can speak for your friends in that we are here for you and anything you need just ask. It is great to hear from you and we will always be here for you. May the new year bring good news and health. Love Julie
Hi! Chris,
I'm so sorry that your not feeling well.My son goes back to school today,if you want to talk,you have my number and can call me if you want to.I do know how you all feel.After watching my mom struggle with this disease,I almost felt like I had cancer,too.It makes me in some way feel closer to my mom,getting to know some of you.If you need anything you know how to reach me.Don't give up!Lots Of Love,Jen
I'm so sorry that your not feeling well.My son goes back to school today,if you want to talk,you have my number and can call me if you want to.I do know how you all feel.After watching my mom struggle with this disease,I almost felt like I had cancer,too.It makes me in some way feel closer to my mom,getting to know some of you.If you need anything you know how to reach me.Don't give up!Lots Of Love,Jen
Hi Chris,
Taking care of yourself -- whatever that is to you -- should be your first priority and you shouldn't apologize for it. Of all the people in the world, you know this is the group that most understands what you are going through. Sometimes denial can be a very good thing. After 3.5 years, it still hits me funny to tell someone "I have cancer." How could we ever get used to saying that? Take time for yourself and know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. Do whatever you have to make it. Just promise me you won't give up.
Kelly
Taking care of yourself -- whatever that is to you -- should be your first priority and you shouldn't apologize for it. Of all the people in the world, you know this is the group that most understands what you are going through. Sometimes denial can be a very good thing. After 3.5 years, it still hits me funny to tell someone "I have cancer." How could we ever get used to saying that? Take time for yourself and know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. Do whatever you have to make it. Just promise me you won't give up.
Kelly
It is great to hear your voice again, I like Lori and the others above just want to say as our sister we understand. I love you......
Thanks for being you.......
Love,
Dawnlyn
Thanks for being you.......
Love,
Dawnlyn
I echo the no apology or explanation necessary but glad you got to vent your frustrations. I am happy that you were physically up to putting your energies into Christmas. Take care, Trudie
Chris,
Wonderful to hear from you and completely understandable that you haven't been on here for awhile. I think the nice thing about this forum is that all the women on here are compassionate, caring and understanding. Just know that we all love you, are always thinking about you and are here when you need us. Love and hugs, Colleen
Wonderful to hear from you and completely understandable that you haven't been on here for awhile. I think the nice thing about this forum is that all the women on here are compassionate, caring and understanding. Just know that we all love you, are always thinking about you and are here when you need us. Love and hugs, Colleen
Hi Chris. You do not ever have to be sorry for taking some downtime for yourself. I love you so much and knew that when you were ready, you would be back on. I am glad that you got things sorted out and I hope you are feeling better. Just know that we love you so much and are here for you. Love you, kasie
Denial with regard to this whole ovca is probably the only way I can get through the days. So many of my friends and family WANT me to fall apart...they're waiting and perversely, wanting me to do that so they can pick me up place me in glass and talk in hushed tones around me. I have to constantly tell my people "I want to do normal" My mom told me "Normal is just a setting on the dryer" What the h*ll does that mean? For now I feel good so denial is pretty easy. But I know the chemo is not working.
Yes, reality sometimes kicks in and I cry and feel overwhelmed but I know that if I DO fall apart especially in front of my family, I may not ever pull myself up. So going about my business as much as I can is good...denial is good...the alternative is curling up in a corner rocking back and forth.
The one thing that I find helps me is turning to this forum. Reading the posts, and encouragement you all give each other makes me believe there is hope and support. Today's posts make me sad...reading about the loss of Paula, a woman I never "met", but whose life was snatched by this ovca.... I'm so sorry for all of her friends. That is part of the reality of what we face with this cancer. An awful dose of reality.
So for those of you that have unfortunately been dealing with this cancer for a while, please know that there are those of us that are just now reluctantly starting down that same road and your experience and kind words really help us all. I'm scared and need someplace to go to (i.e. this forum) where I can find others going down the same road.
I'm not looking here for a cheerleading squad...I want the good, the bad and the ugly. This cancer is not all pink stardust and rainbows. Don't only want to hear when things are going well (though that is very uplifting) but when things are hard also. I can relate to both.
Denial is a good coping mechanism but reality is here and it smacks us all in the face when we don't want it to. Sorry to ramble on.
Teresa/Doicat
Yes, reality sometimes kicks in and I cry and feel overwhelmed but I know that if I DO fall apart especially in front of my family, I may not ever pull myself up. So going about my business as much as I can is good...denial is good...the alternative is curling up in a corner rocking back and forth.
The one thing that I find helps me is turning to this forum. Reading the posts, and encouragement you all give each other makes me believe there is hope and support. Today's posts make me sad...reading about the loss of Paula, a woman I never "met", but whose life was snatched by this ovca.... I'm so sorry for all of her friends. That is part of the reality of what we face with this cancer. An awful dose of reality.
So for those of you that have unfortunately been dealing with this cancer for a while, please know that there are those of us that are just now reluctantly starting down that same road and your experience and kind words really help us all. I'm scared and need someplace to go to (i.e. this forum) where I can find others going down the same road.
I'm not looking here for a cheerleading squad...I want the good, the bad and the ugly. This cancer is not all pink stardust and rainbows. Don't only want to hear when things are going well (though that is very uplifting) but when things are hard also. I can relate to both.
Denial is a good coping mechanism but reality is here and it smacks us all in the face when we don't want it to. Sorry to ramble on.
Teresa/Doicat
Chris.... I'm just so glad to "hear" your voice again. .. And no need to apologize for one thing .. everyone need some space and "re charge" time. Hope 2009 brings better health to you and everyone on this forum. Good to see your name !!
Love,
Sandy
Love,
Sandy
Chris.... I'm just so glad to "hear" your voice again. .. And no need to apologize for one thing .. everyone need some space and "re charge" time. Hope 2009 brings better health to you and everyone on this forum. Good to see your name !!
Love,
Sandy
Love,
Sandy
Dear Chris , please know that you are loved so much here . I have so much admiration and respect for you and some of the other ladies on here , to take the time when you may not be feeling good to help others makes you very special people. Never apologise for not returning notes to me , if I haven,t seen you on the forum for a while I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and I care .
Love and hugs to you
Angie
Love and hugs to you
Angie
Everyone needs their time alone. Don't apologize for that. It's a great thing to do to sort out your thoughts and feelings. It's wonderful to reach out to others but it's OK to treat yourself to a little TLC now and then. We won't run out of hugs while you're gone. See . . . here are a few more just for you ((((HUGS)))) Irene
Honey, Lori is right. No explanation is necessary unless you feel that you need to sort it out in your own mind. We are all in denial about something. I did just the opposite. I quit living and acted like I was already dead. I didn't want to upset anyone anymore than I had to, but I was foolish to think that being off of here for a few months would make it any easier for you all when I am gone. See, how dumb was that? We all have our own way of dealing with things sweetie and sometimes the way we deal is to not deal at all. You are doing just fine and we have not forgotten you and we never will no matter how often you take a break from the forum, but I hope you won't do it too often.
Love ya,
Jan
Love ya,
Jan
Chris...I love you...no explanation is necessary.
Love ya...
Love ya...
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