Why is it so hard?

[SimplyStar]

You ladies have always answered all my questions before, I have a big one now, why is so hard for me to hear about Helen?  I had never seen her face, heard her voice, but I felt so connected to her.  Do you think it is because I am so scared of losing Leslee?  I cannot imagine a world without her.  Or do you think it is some other reason?  Some of you on here I do feel a connection too,  could that be the reason?   The internet only came into my life about 10 years ago, and through it I have made friends that I will probaly never meet face to face.  Are internet friends that different from friends I see and hear all the time?  Maybe you think I am thinking too deeply,  but I am trying to figure this out and I have no clear answers.  Could it be that because of my age that I feel guilty?   Marty

[StillFighting]

I dont know if this will help or not, but I have lost a child as well. Not to cancer or anything and at 6 weeks old just woke up one morning and he was gone.
I was not lucky enough to have all those years you got to spend with your daughter.
Cherish every moment you have and know that when her time comes that she will no longer have cancer and she will be in a much better place waiting for her loved ones. Thats how i've gotten through.

Loosing a child is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. You can bury parents and grandparents and even though you love them, the pain is nothing compared to loosing a child because it violates the natural law of death. As parents we expect for our children to grow up and bury us. When we are forced to deal with the death of a child and break out of that cycle its devistating.

I do not envy you what you will one day have to go through, but know that if you ever need to talk I'm all ears.

Until then you and leslee make every day count.

[gma718]

You are truly a wonderful woman..Compassionate, caring and above all a wonderful mother to Leslee and the rest of your children. You have showed Leslee so much strength and you have showed all of us so much strength...When I needed that kick in the butt you were there to give it to me LOL!!  You have such wisdom and such determination and you have researched and dedicated all you have to helping your daughter in addition to helping everyone here..I didnt know Helen personally but I felt terrible when I heard she passed..everytime I hear about another wonderful person who gets this diagnosis ...i want to scream!! All I can say to you is you are a BIG part of this forum and all you have done does not go unnoticed..I wish I could take away your pain..But I cant ....but I can offer you support, love, strength and prayers for you and Leslee.  Take care and stay strong! Love, Gia :)

[gah_70]

Marty, there really isn't anything I can add to what the ladies have so wonderfully stated above.  One of the great things about this site is that when one of us hurts, we all rally around to help the one who hurts.  We may not be able to that in person, but this virtual world created here is real.  When one of us becomes and OvCa angel, I mourn along with the rest of you.  But, I have to say hearing about Helen yesterday sent me for a loop, too.  I don't know if it's the feeling of helplessness catching up with me, or what.  Anyway, I could go on all night.  What I really wanted to say is that I am truly sorry for the loss of your friend.....our friend.  I pray for Leslee and for you.  God's plan is hard to figure out, but I am confident he knows what He's doing.  Take care of yourself, and allow yourself time to mourn this loss.  

Love,
Gail

[justscore]

When I came here in 2007 I was TERRIFIED, confused and felt like I was going crazy!  So many WONDERFUL, STRONG ladies held my virtual hand and walked me through all of my craziness and I was lucky to come out of my surgeries void of OVCA.  Although I can't pretend to know what you all are going through, I still feel connected somehow.  I come to this site everyday to check on all the ladies I have come to admire the last year and 1/2.  When you have set backs, I cry along w/you and when I hear great news, I do a little happy dance along w/you.  When I read another angel has been taken, I get ANGRY along w/you too.  

Marty, you are one of the first ladies to help me when I came here and I feel like I know you and your precious Leslee.  I remember when you had that terrible accident and Leslee was giving us updates on you and how you were feeling.  The 2 of you are an awesome team and I know you are feeling such a range of emotions now.  Losing people, knowing them or not, is so hard and devastating............  


I am hoping you are taking care of you and know that everyone is thinking of you ....


Heidi

[etaxitpo]

It is about Ms. Helen and your daughter and anyone else who becomes an angel.  It hits so close to home. It is unfathomable to have a life without the ones you love.  I get it.  I feel the same way about my mom.

Hugs to Marty--I know you are going through something right now.  I have been praying for you and your daughter daily.

[JC145]

Nothing much to add to all of the sentiments above.  When the reality of cancer hits, it hurts.  Stay strong for Leslee and try to let everything else go.  Judy

[TrudieC]

The friends on here are real and we all feel sorrow and hurt when our friends are hurting.  I did not know Helen and still her passing brought me to tears.  I can't imagine how hard it is when you have been close to that person and are supporting your own daughter with that disease.  You have every right to feel what you feel and to share it with us all.

God bless, Trudie

[lvfrogs]

Marty,
Everyone has said such truthful and good things about how you are feeling. I can't really add to that except to say that I too feel a bond with many of the women on here, I pray daily for everyone, and even though I didn't "know" Helen like I know my friends that I see or talk to everyday, she was still a friend and mourning her loss is normal. There are those on here who share a closer bond maybe because of cancer or are caregivers, like you are to Leslee,(and especially being her Mom)  and I would imagine it would affect you deeply. You are an incredible Mom to her and Leslee will always have that. Sending prayers and hugs your way, Colleen

[nyc lady]

Marty - It's about Helen, it's about Leslee and about everyone else.  We have all formed a bond, a family in many ways.  And it is also a group of people that we bare our souls too, we don't hold back....we talk about things here that we would not talk to our loved ones about.  The internet has changed the world and the meaning of friendships.  We all do care about eachother...it has been years that many of us have been communicating....when we lose someone, we are losing a family member.  Also, hearing of a lose always puts things in perspective for all of us, for ourselves and for our loved ones.
Sending you lots of hugs (real ones if I could).
Love,
Pam

[cirella]

Dear Marty,
I think it is about Helen but it's also about Leslee.  They share a common bond as do a lot of the people you've met here on MH.  When someone loses their battle it is just too much of a mirror to the fear you have.  I don't think it matters one bit whether or not you've met face to face.  You interacted and that is nearly the same.  Sometimes even more so b/c you are able to be so honest about your emotions here.  

Even though I don't have OC, I have met more people who do, here.  Some I've only talked to and some I've met face to face but either way it doesn't change the fact that we've met.  Meeting the women I met in Springfield hit me hard b/c now there is a face to the disease and that makes it difficult but just b/c I haven't met some of them doesn't mean I don't care.  I do!  

Jan is correct when she says that you can just let it all out here.  You are able to say things that really worry you when you would never say those words out loud to anyone but God.  I'm hugging you right now...through this modern machine.  ((hugs))

Love

[Hazel30]

Marty, this is a very hard time for you being that Leslee is going through so much and on top of that loosing a dear friend is a lot to deal with.  Helen has touched my heart as well and yesterday I realy felt down because I lost a friend.  I think when you loose someone that had a place in your heart, friend-friend or internet friend, you will feel that pain and sadness.  Because Helen and your doughter both have this disease it makes it so much more realistic when you find out that Helen has passed.  I know because thats how I feel right now.  My Mother is going through a 2nd recurrence and once again I am frightened and worried and sad.  I think you feel all the right things as a mother and as a friend would.  I cant even imagine to know that feeling of seeing your child in pain, and as us moms not being able to help and heal them.  Its painful, I understand.  You have a right to feel everything your feeling.  I hope Leslee gets better and her doctors come up with a good treatment for her.

Fiana

[Jan214]

The friendships we form here are sometimes even more real than our "real life" friends.  We talk about stuff on here that a lot of us don't talk about with others.  Look at the things you tell us that I am sure you don't tell Leslee.  I think the loss you are feeling is about Helen and I am not sure why that surprises you.  You have been upset for others on here and it wasn't about Leslee.  Yes, when we see one person die it makes us think of the others that may follow, but it doesn't lessen the pain we feel for that particular person.  You and Helen were close and I know a lot of people think the emotions, laughter and love we share here can't possibly be real, but it is more real than a lot of other things in our lives.
There is no reason for you to feel guilty.  If you had some control over life and death than maybe you might have a reason to feel that way, but you don't.  God decides whose time is up not us, so no, none of us should feel guilty that it was someone else instead of us & I know we have a tendency to feel that way.
Don't overthink this Marty.  You were very fond of Helen and she is gone.  That is enough reason to feel bad. She was a real person and a real friend, even if you never saw her face.  Her essence, her personality came through on this forum and that is how we all become so close; by allowing people to "see" us through our words and actions towards each other.
Take care of you Marty.  It sounds like you need a little break.
Love,
Jan

[vegas2cr]

Marty it is not only about Helen.  It is about Leslee and all your friends here on this forum.. Because we all come together with the same problem when one becomes an angel it gets closer to home for you.. As a Mom myself nothing is worse than the hurt we feel for our children... you hurt and rightly so... I know you are a woman of faith.  Draw on that faith that the good Lord knows what he is doing.  
It is a terrifying experience to think of losing your child.. You say why not me instead but you also know that G-d does not bargain with us...You feel helpless... But you love and give and that is what your entire family will think of remember you for..I pray that Leslee improves and that the journey for you becomes easier... Ronni

[Mary 53]

Star,

I cannot adress the question you ended with... Oh...do you mean, why are you allowed to live when others have been taken away? Not sure if that is the correct interpretation on my part. I will call on my Mom (in what I know of as Heaven) who had little to no time for guilt. But, gosh, what a life! She lived life to the fullest... she was a nurse, like you, she was madly in love with her spouse (like you were) and she was giving and caring (like you) and she was the best Mom ever (like you).

Who ever would have guessed all those years ago that such strong bonds would be created on the internet. Was it like this with Pen Pals? Maybe?  But, this is ever deeper. We shared similar topics and interests and we answer each other in minutes and not days. It is different, but man, it is real. It is very real to me. I am still stunned at how I do feel so close to others I have met through this medium. So, I don't think you are at all alone in that regard (although my 23 year old is still a bit surprised at all this...but has been more accepting. I mean, this thing is not just for kids!!!!!)

Losing Leslee? It is late.... . If I go too deeply into this I will be here for hours. And, others can say things better than I can at times like these.

To speak like the Day Treatment kids I work with.... Death *****. I have lost both parents and a brother. I know I did not lose a child.... I lost one of my two dogs to Cancer last week.

I cannot say I know what  you are going through. But you know that you have showed that daughter of yours love...care...Concern...devotion...on and on and on....she can count on you. Think of the families where people do not even talk to one another. I know that does not help.... I am channeling my Mom right now, remember ?  She would say to just do what you do.... and to pray ( I hope that no one is offened by that... again... thinking of the comforting words my Mom would say). We do not know the future....But you have given Leslee quite a spectacular past and you are always there for her in the present. Just like a Mom.

Love, Mary

[Sharon2714]

dear marty i dont think so ... i think that whatever u feel for anyone, whether face to face or keyboard to keyboard, is real ... you are going to feel no matter how u know a person or a situation ... did u ever cry over an article in the paper or on the news ??  That was real too ... feeling for someone else will not ever take away the genuine feeling u have for ur daughter (it will always be special and different from any other kind of love in the whole world) ... it wasnt easy for me to click on about helen either ... i have a new connection by disease to some that i am only starting to come to grips with ... and i had never known helen ... i hope i been of soe help and if not just know i pray for u and ur daughter
love
sharon