Many of my memories are still repressed, I have some vague memories but they leave me in a mental state I can not tolerate. Many nights when I try to sleep I am up for hours, horrible thoughts run through my head and I can not control them, I cry for hours sometimes. I do think if I fully remember I would go insane. I was very young around 6 and my mom use to let me go down this creepy ally by myself to some strangers house who she thought was absolutely insane because the mom tried to give her her baby and they stole our cat. I soon after started having nightmares and believe I saw people getting hurt, I became obsessed with blood and rap and have vague memories of blood and can remember what i was feeling. When I was younger I had eating disorders, cut myself, suicide attempts, later drug abuse.... eventually i learned these coping techniques only dug a deeper hole and helping people worked much better, I do not hurt myself anymore but still can not sleep, I do not want to take a bunch of meds, I want to be free, I dont want this to have ever happened to me, it has screwed so much of my life up, I have sadistic nightmares and sometimes delusions which I can recognize from my childhood traumas and not believe them (delusions like i can not trust ANYONE, and every man will sexually assault their children or is evil, I feel those way sometimes but know it is not true for everyone so work through it). Since I have overcome many of the negatives and just have trouble sleeping and sometimes cry and scream for a few hours straight at a time (thats not too often usually real bad after giving birth, in which I found allowing myself to hurt for hours like that and not hurt myself at the end, I do feel love) I feel I could counsel counselors, and I have told some of my ex relationships bits and pieces I can not even recall now, they tell me it is best to leave, that they have wanted to repress it and it is something better not said (I do feel I will go mentally insane if I remember everything), I just wish I knew how I could sleep, how I could not have subconscious messed up thoughts, how I could trust people... counselors are a joke, they havent figured out how to survive extremely stressful life situations, they do not know what it is like, how can they help me? I just wish I had a connection with some sort of god source that could help me be at ease and take away some of this pain