I think I have ptsd but I've never been diagnosed.

[Angel_Mom88]

I think I may be suffering from ptsd, but I'm to afraid to go see my dr to confirm. I was sexually assaulted when I was 17. This lead to my isolating myself and not trusting anyone for a long time. I got to the point where I was cutting just to feel like I was still alive. I'd gone so numb that I needed the pain to remind me that I was still alive. I started having nightmares and waking up screaming and in a cold sweat.  I started dating again at 19. I met a guy at church, of all places, and felt I could trust him enough to tell him what happened to me. Within 3 months of our relationship starting, he started with emotional and verbal abuse. Though I didn't know at the time that's what it was. It escalated to physical abuse and also to sexual abuse. This went on for a year. The nightmares came back in full force. I just wanted to die to get away from the pain. But I was so afraid of him. Finally after a very long abusive year, I found the strength to leave him. After a year or so, the nightmares calmed down some. And now, 5 years later, I still have anxiety attacks often. If I have to talk to someone, in detail, about what happened to me, I shake. And it's not little shakes. It's my whole body shaking uncontrollably. I still have the nightmares and wake up screaming or crying with my husband (who has been nothing but loving and supportive) wrapped around me. I go to work nervous every day, thinking one of those men will walk in the door of the store and send me into an anxiety attack. I avoid certain places just to make sure I don't run into them. I hate that I blame myself for what happened to me but I do. I feel like it's my fault for not stopping it all. And now because of all of it, I think I'm suffering from ptsd. Can anyone help me?

[TheLightSeeker]

Yes, you're probably right, as there wouldn't be too many things that would help you at this point, until YOU make that critical decision, to take that one
step forward...

And this is such a difficult & monumental effort for you, since it probably feels unsafe, perhaps even futile to  attempt anything!

And since you expressed that you are concerned with potential birth defects, if taking antidepressants, perhaps you should also consider therapy for yourself, as the effects of your unresolved psychological trauma
may constitute a negative factor in the the family (planned) dynamic,
with potential damaging consequences to your children's development.

I have come from a place like that, having gone through my own battles
with pain and suffering, however, I took that impossible step forward
and plunged into what seemed at first the Abyss.
Things eventually got better and better and then one day, I realized I had
the power to take control of my Life, which I did, in every single aspect!
I NEVER looked back.

You CAN do it. And if you feel you can't, just remove yourself from the situation and do it for the people in your life who love you!
Do it for your husband, your parents and your children you will bring to this world!

Love & Light
Niko

[Angel_Mom88]

I did look at her web page and I just don't think it's for me. But thank you.

[TheLightSeeker]

Angel, you must forgive the ignorance of people like your co-worker, as he has NO idea what you are going through!

You are fragile and vulnerable so you need to protect yourself.

Please consider the suggestions I offered you in my original reply.

Blessings
Niko

[Angel_Mom88]

So today at work, the best friend (not sure if he still is or not) of my ex that abused me for a year, came into the store. He's nice but it brought back a flood of bad memories. I was shaking by the time he left. And to top it all off, one of the jerks I work with decided it would be funny to scare the living daylights out of me during closing! I wanted to kill him in between trying to breath again! :-/

[TheLightSeeker]

Hi Angel.

As a successful survivor of PTSD- very different circumstances than yours-
I must tell you from the bottom of my heart, that your life can be as beautiful as it can be, when you make that big decision, just like the one one to leave your abusive relationship, to come out and deal with the emotional stuff you have bottled up inside you over the last few years.
The truth shall let you free!
You are a kind and caring soul, and you know there's a better plan for you!

And now, you are blessed to be married and planning to have children
and I commend you for staying away from such drugs!

I have background in Spiritual Psychotherapy, one of the most effective modalities in Therapy and I definitely feel, this could facilitate the type of transformation in your life, as I mentioned above.

One of my greatest spiritual teachers is Sonia Choquette , who has helped change the course of many people's lives for ever including mine!

Please do a search under her name and if you like what you see, what you listen to and what you read, I would love to chat with you !

Blessings!
Niko

[Angel_Mom88]

I'm glad you have been clean for so long. And I don't think I want to attempt anti depressants cause my husband and I are trying to start a family. I take xanax prn but haven't been taking them cause I know they can cause birth defects

[drifter0213]

your not alone I believe you have PTSD im glad you had the strength to leave that toxic realationship I had toxic people around me I abused alcohol and drugs I been clean for almost three years please see a doctor they treat ptsd with anti depressants I take Zoloft for anxiety hope this helps :)