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Avatar universal

I can't stand my child anymore

My oldest son is almost 10. I didn't find out I was pregnant until 8 months along. I had him 3 weeks after I found out. I'm still with his father but we were rough back then. We had a pretty hateful relationship. We're good now though.

Anyway, I had my son through emergency csection. I didn't breast feed. I didn't see him until he was about 4 hours old.

I really thought I loved him and I was going to take such good care of him. I was only 20. I worked third shift so my dad and his girlfriend took my son through the night. They fed him junk the whole time. They never told him no. They took him anywhere he wanted to go. He was spoiled. He'd come home and be a brat. Nothing we did was ever good enough. He wanted non-stop attention. By the time he was 2, he bounced and played and ran and yelled from 6am until at least 11pm each day. No naps, no moment of peace unless I turned on the tv. He'd watch it all day long if I let him. But I didn't let him. I took him places, played with him, cooked with him, took walks, played playground etc. But it didn't matter, he'd cry while he was there. He would cry when we left. He'd say we never did anything for him. He cried at bedtime every night. When he was about 2.5, I started staying at home with him until he was 4. Then I went back to work and he stayed home with daddy or with either grandparent. His behavior stayed bad. He has an I don't care attitude. Consequences don't work.
He started kindergarten a couple months before he was six. His first day he went and punched boys in their privates. He tried getting on the wrong bus. From then on he was an absolute nightmare at school. I had several calls and meetings each week with his teacher and principal. One teacher quit his job and I'm sure it was because of my son.

A few months before he started kindergartens, our second son was born. He is 4 now and the complete opposite of his brother. He's sweet and cuddly. Has a super attention span. My oldest son hasn't given us a hug since he was 3.

Anyway, we've been a little hard on our oldest son, punishing him by having him sit on his bed or a spanking when he's really bad. Like when he pushed a small girl out of her chair.

Fast forward to today. He's 9, almost 10. He's lazy, careless and mean. He does every thing in a hurry just to get it done. He's unpleasant.

I guess the point of my post is that I'm not sure I can handle him anymore. I HATE being around him. All he does is complain no matter what we're doing. We signed him up for martial arts but decided he doesn't like it because the instructor makes him do the moves correctly. I don't like him. I don't even think I love him. He smells bad to me. I don't like how he looks or talks. The same noises over and over. He won't learn. I have one rule for his room and that's to have no dirty clothes in there. He breaks the rules everyday. He is awful to his brother. Constantly taking things from him, putting his body on him. He walks with his shoulders hunched forward with that I don't care attitude. All he cares about is tv and Xbox but he won't even play a game for 5 minutes before changing it.

Sometimes I think he got switched at the hospital. He looks nothing like his dad and I wasn't with anyone else. My youngest looks identical to his dad (he has an adult daughter who looks identical as well). But I've never felt like he was actually mine. I feel no bond, no attachment and no motherly instinct, which is completely opposite of my youngest who I feel unconditional love and protection for.

It sounds harsh but I don't want to share anything with him. His father and I aren't married but when we talk about it, he says when our sons carry the rings down the aisle. And I almost scowl because I don't want that kid to be a part of my special day. I don't like sharing our ice cream with him. I don't want to take him to the children's museum. I don't even want to sit through his sports games and take pictures. I look through my phone at pictures of our youngest son and I feel so much love and pride and then I see him and my heart drops that he's in my phone and I'd feel guilty deleting the photo.

I'm thinking I need counseling or something. There's so much more than what I've put here. I just can't take it anymore. I can't be happy when he's around. When he goes to his grandparents house for the day I am so happy and I literally get sick to my stomach when he comes back. Because he's around me and because he comes back meaner and worse than ever.

Any advice? Other than me being a terrible mom...
7 Responses
Avatar universal
Sounds like you strongly favor your younger son. I'm sure being 9-10 years old isn't easy for your older son and he's going to be a teen before you know it. Maybe he'd enjoy a team sport? You could set aside dedicated time to spend together each week to go for a walk, go fishing, or spend quality time getting to know him? Maybe he would learn a lot caring for and being responsible for a pet such as a dog. Try not to close your heart and mind to loving your older son or at least treating him the same as your younger one. Good luck and don't give up on him when he needs you most.
134578 tn?1602101550
Go get counseling, sweetheart.  Your son might have some mild autistic tendencies and the counselor would be able to help recognize that if so.  If you are seriously wondering if this is your son, do a DNA test.  But get counseling right now.  It will help you so much.
Avatar universal
You're not a terrible mom.  There's no such thing as a perfect parent.  You are just being honest about your feelings towards a very difficult child.  It's easy to "love" a pleasant, agreeable, easygoing child.  It's hard to "love" a difficult, needy child.  Difficult children wear you out, give you headaches, leave you exhausted, angry and feeling unable to cope with nothing left to give.  You are human.  
Many parents have difficult children.  It's our job to figure out how to help the difficult child so they can grow up to be happy, healthy, loving adults.  I have kids, nieces and nephews.  Believe me...most parents have difficult or demanding children, in one way or another.  Parenting is much harder than we ever thought it would be.  And we don't have all the answers. We cry, panic, get depressed, blame ourselves, feel stupid, wish we had parented differently.  And the thought of having to learn new techniques to teach the difficult child is also daunting. But you do need some form of help to give you the tools to help your son.  Maybe someone on this site knows who to go to for help, where to start.  I wanted to respond to your question because I know how you feel.  Each child is different in strengths and weaknesses.  Each child has different experiences.  Each child has different genetics and brain chemistry.  Each child has a different road to travel.  Our job as parents is to help them, and love them unconditionally, whether the kid is a warm fuzzy or cold prickly.  Hang in there.
Avatar universal
Definetly go get counseling. Family counseling maybe a bit later. I would also recommend taking your son to a behavioral specialist or behavioral therapy. They may be able to help identify medical factors that might play a role in his behavior. It's best to get help now while his brain is still developing rather than wait until he is a teen or older. I hope you find something that works for everyone. Good luck, and don't think you are a bad mom! You're a good mom in a hard situation!
13167 tn?1327194124
I think it's possible he is brushed with a variety of difficulties,  but I also think it's possible he has a little attachment (sometimes called detachment) disorder.

Your disdain for him is dismaying to me.  It just makes me sad.  To not want pictures of him on your phone,  to not even want to share your ice cream with him,  must come across loud and clear to him,  and he must feel completely abandoned.  I know you could say you don't let on how you feel about him,  but it must come across in spades when he sees how you feel about his brother.

Children react very badly to complete rejection by their mothers.  Even if he would be a handful with a very loving and attentive mother,  he's worse for having a mother who can't stand him.

It sounds like his grandparents,  and your boyfriend don't feel as you do about him.  

I would suggest seeking trauma focused counseling for him,   and counseling for yourself with the goal of discovering why your feelings about him run so deep.  A lot of moms have children with ADHD,  autism, bipolar disorder,  adopted kids with oppositional disorder,  and they are able to love and nurture their children.  

This isn't fair for your son,  to be subjected to this,  ConfusedAsh,  and I think it's your job to make it right before it's too  late and he's all grown up and damaged.

It's courageous for you to be able to put your story out in that naked bluntness,  but now it's time to act and make his life better.
19104607 tn?1472367169
You seem to favor your youngest over your oldest. It seems that because your oldest spent so much time around his grandparents rather than is actual parents he never got time to be taught certain behaviors and i will not hold that against you because you had to leave him with his grandparents in order for you to go to work in order to keep the lights on in the house. My parents showed me harsh love once i was able to figure out wrong from right, i got spanking with the hand and belt and some people say it is traumatizing, yes when i hear a belt buckle or pair of keys i get scared but i've always hated the sound of keys and belt buckles clinking. I think it is time to start the harsh punishment, belt spankings, smacks on the hand if you are in public and he is rude NEVER ANYWHERE ELSE IN PUBLIC, make him stand up at a wall if he is rude make him stand there for about 30 minutes depending on the offense, but no more than 2 hours because that is around the time his legs will hurt and he will be tempted to walk away. If he is rude to you, take away is Xbox,ps3, and all the fun things he has to teach him a lesson because with harsh punishment he will learn to behave, he will learn discipline, and he will thank you later in life, but NEVER GIVE UP ON HIM, because that is your baby that you gave birth to, get counseling for yourself, stop deleting photos of him it will make you resent him more, be nice to him and if he is not nice back, or he gives you attitude, take away his little toy gadgets.
And let him sit down and watch tv if he continues to be rude send him to his room without tv, if he says stuff after that send him to the wall for 10 minutes, and if he persists, a few hard slaps on his but or hand will do the trick, and if he continues, belt spankings are in order to set him straight.
Because trust me, when i was a child i got that kind of punishment and look at me today, went to college and got a degree and i am successful so he will thank you later.
And im sorry if this is harsh but, what you do with not sharing the icecream deleting photos and all that mean stuff os just not right as a parent. You need to stop because he will notice it and it will cause him to behaving EVEN worse as a result, do not do that because as a parent that is 100% wrong of you. On every single level as a parent who is SUPPOSED to love their child.
Avatar universal
Go to your son's school and ask them to help you. He probably needs an assessment to see if he has a disability. They can also direct you to community services, such as in-home behavioral therapy for your son (and family), counseling etc. Please get help! You will regret your feelings and actions later in life--it's a terrible guilt that you can prevent NOW. Your feelings are probably more obvious to your children than you know. It will drive a nasty contempt between your sons and eventually, you and your sons. For both of your children and yourself, please get help! Your oldest son sounds depressed. It's actually more common for depressed children to act out and appear to not care than to cry, etc. please, please, please get help! You will be supported, he will be supported, and a more healthy family dynamic can replace the current pattern.  I am a mental health service provider.
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13167 tn?1327194124
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