Sounds like you strongly favor your younger son. I'm sure being 9-10 years old isn't easy for your older son and he's going to be a teen before you know it. Maybe he'd enjoy a team sport? You could set aside dedicated time to spend together each week to go for a walk, go fishing, or spend quality time getting to know him? Maybe he would learn a lot caring for and being responsible for a pet such as a dog. Try not to close your heart and mind to loving your older son or at least treating him the same as your younger one. Good luck and don't give up on him when he needs you most.
Go get counseling, sweetheart. Your son might have some mild autistic tendencies and the counselor would be able to help recognize that if so. If you are seriously wondering if this is your son, do a DNA test. But get counseling right now. It will help you so much.
You're not a terrible mom. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. You are just being honest about your feelings towards a very difficult child. It's easy to "love" a pleasant, agreeable, easygoing child. It's hard to "love" a difficult, needy child. Difficult children wear you out, give you headaches, leave you exhausted, angry and feeling unable to cope with nothing left to give. You are human.
Many parents have difficult children. It's our job to figure out how to help the difficult child so they can grow up to be happy, healthy, loving adults. I have kids, nieces and nephews. Believe me...most parents have difficult or demanding children, in one way or another. Parenting is much harder than we ever thought it would be. And we don't have all the answers. We cry, panic, get depressed, blame ourselves, feel stupid, wish we had parented differently. And the thought of having to learn new techniques to teach the difficult child is also daunting. But you do need some form of help to give you the tools to help your son. Maybe someone on this site knows who to go to for help, where to start. I wanted to respond to your question because I know how you feel. Each child is different in strengths and weaknesses. Each child has different experiences. Each child has different genetics and brain chemistry. Each child has a different road to travel. Our job as parents is to help them, and love them unconditionally, whether the kid is a warm fuzzy or cold prickly. Hang in there.
Definetly go get counseling. Family counseling maybe a bit later. I would also recommend taking your son to a behavioral specialist or behavioral therapy. They may be able to help identify medical factors that might play a role in his behavior. It's best to get help now while his brain is still developing rather than wait until he is a teen or older. I hope you find something that works for everyone. Good luck, and don't think you are a bad mom! You're a good mom in a hard situation!
I think it's possible he is brushed with a variety of difficulties, but I also think it's possible he has a little attachment (sometimes called detachment) disorder.
Your disdain for him is dismaying to me. It just makes me sad. To not want pictures of him on your phone, to not even want to share your ice cream with him, must come across loud and clear to him, and he must feel completely abandoned. I know you could say you don't let on how you feel about him, but it must come across in spades when he sees how you feel about his brother.
Children react very badly to complete rejection by their mothers. Even if he would be a handful with a very loving and attentive mother, he's worse for having a mother who can't stand him.
It sounds like his grandparents, and your boyfriend don't feel as you do about him.
I would suggest seeking trauma focused counseling for him, and counseling for yourself with the goal of discovering why your feelings about him run so deep. A lot of moms have children with ADHD, autism, bipolar disorder, adopted kids with oppositional disorder, and they are able to love and nurture their children.
This isn't fair for your son, to be subjected to this, ConfusedAsh, and I think it's your job to make it right before it's too late and he's all grown up and damaged.
It's courageous for you to be able to put your story out in that naked bluntness, but now it's time to act and make his life better.
You seem to favor your youngest over your oldest. It seems that because your oldest spent so much time around his grandparents rather than is actual parents he never got time to be taught certain behaviors and i will not hold that against you because you had to leave him with his grandparents in order for you to go to work in order to keep the lights on in the house. My parents showed me harsh love once i was able to figure out wrong from right, i got spanking with the hand and belt and some people say it is traumatizing, yes when i hear a belt buckle or pair of keys i get scared but i've always hated the sound of keys and belt buckles clinking. I think it is time to start the harsh punishment, belt spankings, smacks on the hand if you are in public and he is rude NEVER ANYWHERE ELSE IN PUBLIC, make him stand up at a wall if he is rude make him stand there for about 30 minutes depending on the offense, but no more than 2 hours because that is around the time his legs will hurt and he will be tempted to walk away. If he is rude to you, take away is Xbox,ps3, and all the fun things he has to teach him a lesson because with harsh punishment he will learn to behave, he will learn discipline, and he will thank you later in life, but NEVER GIVE UP ON HIM, because that is your baby that you gave birth to, get counseling for yourself, stop deleting photos of him it will make you resent him more, be nice to him and if he is not nice back, or he gives you attitude, take away his little toy gadgets.
And let him sit down and watch tv if he continues to be rude send him to his room without tv, if he says stuff after that send him to the wall for 10 minutes, and if he persists, a few hard slaps on his but or hand will do the trick, and if he continues, belt spankings are in order to set him straight.
Because trust me, when i was a child i got that kind of punishment and look at me today, went to college and got a degree and i am successful so he will thank you later.
Go to your son's school and ask them to help you. He probably needs an assessment to see if he has a disability. They can also direct you to community services, such as in-home behavioral therapy for your son (and family), counseling etc. Please get help! You will regret your feelings and actions later in life--it's a terrible guilt that you can prevent NOW. Your feelings are probably more obvious to your children than you know. It will drive a nasty contempt between your sons and eventually, you and your sons. For both of your children and yourself, please get help! Your oldest son sounds depressed. It's actually more common for depressed children to act out and appear to not care than to cry, etc. please, please, please get help! You will be supported, he will be supported, and a more healthy family dynamic can replace the current pattern. I am a mental health service provider.