How do I make my relationship with my son better?

[MomNeedsAdvice18]

I have a 17 year old boy who will be 18 in a few months.  He had a great childhood and was always happy.  He has a younger sister and 2 loving parents who have been married 20 years.  He is in his senior year and has been accepted to many colleges.  We have rules of the house he does not think he has to follow anymore.. He is very disrespectful and feels he does not have to answer to anyone.  We have tried talking to him to figure out what the problems are.  He does not communicate well.  I recently made him take a drug test and he tested positive for marijuana. He is also using a vape.  We have discussed this with him for years and I told him that it is unacceptable.  We took his car away from him.  He also has random drug testing at school and I'm nervous he will get in trouble.  He told us he can't wait to move out last year as he was dating a girl who totally turned him against us.  He is no longer dating her but still can't wait to move out.  He will be going away to school in September.  I believe that will help our relationship.  But as of now it is unbearable.  He will not sit with us at dinner nor eat anything I cook.  Refusing to talk to me or his father. He wants to come and go as he pleases. He only talks to his sister and his friends.  He still does sports and has a part time job. But doesn't see how well he is treated in this house.  We pay for his car insurance and we don't ask for much.  He does not do any chores.  We do family vacations every year. He does go to school and his grades are good. I just keep second guessing myself wondering if I should have done things differently when he was younger.  I don't know what to do now.  I want this to just be a phase and to have my boy back.  We are heartbroken.  Anyone have any advice?

[RockRose]

Hmmm.  This is called senioritis,  where I live.  The high school counselor,  at one of those FRPA meetings,  asked how many parents are experiencing seniors who are suddenly extremely difficult to live with,  to the point they want them out of the house s o o n?  A lot of parents laughed.  This is him trying to spread his wings,  and trying to lessen the pain of leaving.  He is cutting ties with you so it doesn't hurt so much next year.

It's no fun,  that's for sure.  But rest assured a LOT of kids do this.

[specialmom]

Ugh, I'm very sorry.  This is a tough situation.  In truth, he doesn't deserve all his freebies.  This includes his car insurance, extra curricular activities, spending money, money for food he chooses to eat when denying to be part of the family meal.  He sure has a sense of entitlement.  I would make that end.  

Who is paying for his college?  Even with academic scholarship there are always expenses.  If he has an expectation that you pay?  Well, guess what.. You will adhere to our rules and be respectful in the home.  That's it.  If he will not, tough love.  

This could wreck his future.  But he has control over it.  Where does he get the money to vape and buy drugs?  I know he has a part time job.  But I'd demand he contribute to things like extra food expenses as he is being difficult about dinner.  Once he turns 18, maybe he needs to start paying rent.  There very well will be push back from him on this because he has gotten his way these last couple of years--  and doesn't want that to end. Somehow he missed the lesson that it is because of YOU that he has what he has.  And you can take all that away.  

I'm sure you were the best parent you can be and were when he was younger.  We all make mistakes parenting.  And those mistakes can not be blamed for ill behavior of a too into himself teenager.  

He's at a tough age that is full of transition.  Almost adult but still dependent.  The still dependent part is what you need to focus on.  

Let me know what you think. And please know that I understand what I'm saying is hard.  You feel vulnerable to losing him completely.  But right now, he's pretty much gone without any life lessons from it.  Give him a life lesson to be grateful to those who care about you and understand that you are not omnipotent and need to conform in life to get somewhere.  What if he feels his boss is a jerk?  Is he gonna pull this stuff?  What if his wife gets on his nerves?  Is he going to be disrespectful to her?  He lives in a false reality under the security that you provide.  He needs a more accurate dose of reality.  Hopefully he'll come to his senses.  good luck