What to do!!?!?!?!?!?!

[motherinneed1975]

My Ex husband and I have been separated for 3 yrs and divorced for 1 yr. My son is 9 yrs old and he lives w/ his dad in California and visits me in Utah for the summer and other holidays. My relationship w/ my ex was not very good. We argued alot and insulted each other most of the time infront of my son.About a year and 1/2 or so, my son has pooped in his pants. Morning, thru out the day, and night time. Last summer my new husband and my son did not get along. My husband did not like the way my son treated me. And so, that caused a grudge between them. My son came w/ a very negative attitude that summer. I spaked,punished, had my sister talk to him, I sat and talked to him and we got nowhere. He was also pooping that summer.  I've tried to tell my ex about the problem and he feels that taking him to church and having someone there talk to him is going to help my son. He tells me that my son is doing better @ home (in california) That he'll still poop in his pants but only when his nervous. Since my son has been here w/ me(this summer 2008) he has pooped every day. Iv'e tried to see if he is in a nervous situation and to be honest w/ you I really don't think so. My husband and I are trying very hard to make him feel @ home. They are getting along and we are doing fun stuff in the weekends. But there are days were I get so frusted about him pooping that I don't know what to do!!! He smears poop on the rug, he throws poop into the bathtub or bathroom sink(Not all over just into the drain) I would like to take him to a specialist. To see what he/she recommends. Where can I go?!?!?! What can i do to help my son?!?!?!? I live in WVC, Utah. Please advice

[Erika Madison, PhD]

Encopresis (which is difficulty controlling bowel movements in previously toilet-trained children) is a frustrating problem for parents and an embarrassing one for children.  Any indications of chronic encopresis are cause for concern and would warrant and evauation and treatment.  As you indicated, children with encopresis tend to have more accidents when they are anxious and behaviors such as feces smearing can be indicative of anger.  

The first step in addressing the problem is taking your son to a pediatrician to rule-out physical causes for his bowel control problems.  If they do not find a phsyical issue that accounts for the problem, you should seek a psychological evauation from a licensed psychologist. They can assess your son's intellectual capability and his emotional state. Testing can provide information about a child's current emotional state and how they manage their emotions. It will help you determine the best way to address his encopresis and provide him alternate ways to express any anxiety or anger that may contribute to the problem.  

The psychologist conducting the evaluation will make treatment recommedations. Indiviudal therapy can help your son understand his behavior and express himself more effectively and family could help you and your husband support positve behavior and respond effectively when he has an accident.

You can find psychologists through your insurance provider, your city or county's mental health services or at the following address:  http://locator.apa.org

[motherinneed1975]

My Ex husband does not want to take my son to a psychologist. It's against his believes, he feels and thinks that all they are going to do is recommend drugs and keep my son on them for the rest of his life. How can I convience him that that is not the case and that my son needs help.