Mom and Stepdad argue over 9yr old behavior

[Allan2306]

My wife and I argue alot over our 9 yr old  sons behavior. In school he does very well grade and behavior wise,however at home things change for the wrost. His mother sets alot of his punishments though not to effective.When I step in without her knowing she gets very upset. Yes I'm his Father/Stepfather But I feel I'm walking on egg shells. Mom wants me to be the father, but dont punish. We have a 3 yr old together with no problems in parenting. My wife lost her husband when the 9 yr ols was 4, for some reason I feel that she is protecting/sheltering him for that that fact. Any words??

[specialmom]

It is okay, we ALL have issues.  We learn from our mistakes and improve upon ourselves and that is how life gets better.  

Call your wife and tell her that you do not want to fight with her about her son.  You love him (even if you are working on this) and just want to be a team with her.  You will help her and if that means stepping back at times, you'll do it.  Whatever she needs to help this child be the best he can be.  This will start the walls coming down.  And try to see if from her point of view and this boys.  Give yourself a time out if you feel this resentment building and you are about to blow and realize you can not control everything.  This may ease the tension and things might get better.

And sorry never hurts!  Good luck and I am impressed with your willingness to take responsibility.  That means things WILL get better here!  Take care.

[Allan2306]

last night my wife and I had a huge blow up over this issue. In result I slept on the couch in another room. As of today Saturday I have not talked to her, as I'm at work. I'm not to sure she wants to talk to me as well. I belive I have some big issues.

[Allan2306]

Thank you for your words. I know I really need help in being a better stepfather. I guess I find it hard to just sit back and see things hear things and not  able to just step in. I hate to say this, but the more he tends to get away with, the more I resent.

[specialmom]

I answered in another forum too, but I just wanted to add that she may be protecting him.  That really is okay.  I think this is what it is.  Right now, your feelings about the boys behavior have made your wife defensive and protective.  That is not a bad thing for a mom to do.  I am not telling you to not be this boys father as he needs one.  But ask her how you can help her with discipline vs sneaking and doing it when you know she will be mad.  Your negative feelings have created the perfect storm here.  She feels she must protect her child from your dislike/discipline.  Undo that.  Or it will always be tense.  And by the way,  think if (heaven forbid) you were to pass away now and in 5 years your wife is living with a new man who really didn't approve of your son.  It would hurt.  Don't kid yourself.  Good luck-----  you seem like you are trying.  Just soften the tone and you may get somewhere.