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Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) Community
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665960 tn?1253802904

I just need to vent!!!!!

I am new on this site... I have been looking for a while for something like this to help me cope with what I am going through... I have read alot of peoples questions, concerns, and answers for this particular topic (PCOD/S), so there is pretty much nothing that I can post as far as a question goes to get any different answers because they've already been asked or stated... I just feel the need to vent!!!!!!!!!!
I am 20 years old and just celebrated my 1 year anniversary with my husband of 2 years.  If you've looked at my profile, we don't have any kids yet and it's killing me inside... I know what most of you are thinking... oh your still young, you've got plenty of time to have babies, you've only been married a year, give it more time... your problem can be fixed!!!  blah blah blah... anything you try to tell me, I've already been told by EVERYONE!!!  
Almost 3 months ago, I went to the doctor for the second time (a different doctor) and asked her if she could do a blood test on me to make sure I was or wasn't pregnant... My last period was August 8th 2008, at the time I was 8 days late I took 5 pregnancy tests at home, got 2 positive and 3 negative, so I just needed to be sure.  So I went to this new doctor, might I add that I was a new patient there and had never met this doctor before that day.  As I waited in the examining room for about 10 minutes, the doctor finally walked in and introduced herself to me and sat down on her little stool.  She looked at me only after about 8 seconds of introducing herself and getting comfortable, she hadn't even examined me, touched me, took my blood pressure, or anything... she looked me square in the eyes and said, " well, from looking at your urine and blood test results, there is no way that you can be pregnant!"  I was ok with this, I just thought to myself," oh well better luck next time!"  But wait, theres more!!!!!!!  Still not have examined me yet... she looked down at her chart, which mostly consumed of my "new patient" papers I had to fill out when I first got there,  and looked at me again and said the phrase I was praying she wouldn't say... " I am fearful that you have Polycystic Ovarian Disease/ Syndrome" (whatever you wanna call it).  I tried so hard to hold back the tears,  I held them back until I got into my car and just fell to peices.  
I know alot of you sit here as your reading this and think, why is she taking this so hard?  There are medicines for this to help the condition.  I know this already... I think the hardest part about all of this mess, is that my dear sweet husband feels helpless for me.  He wants to talk about it and asks me all the time, what can I do to make you smile again?  What can I do to make you happy again?  I just cut him off and tell him to drop it and that I don't want to talk about it!  He is trying to being so strong for me and I almost don't know how to let him.  
I think I beat myself up about this so much because everytime someone comes up to me and Jason at a family function or even Wal-Mart, and say those dreadful words" When are ya'll going to have one?"  I just want to punch them in the face or runaway in anger!  I just don't understand it at all... I mean my mother didn't have any problems having me and my brother, no one in my family has had any problems having children... why did I get picked?  Why did I get choosen to pick the short straw?  I am 20 years old, and got diagnosed twice with PCOD and I have a progestrone problem... so if I were to get pregnant, I more than likely wouldn't be able to carry it to term.  
I feel so angry and hurt,  my family says they can tell I am depressed all the time,  but they just don't understand how I feel!!!  I have all new baby cousins and a new nephew all under the age of four months... everyone calls them the new generation of the Moellers.   There are twin boys Gray and Grant, another little boy Eli, a little girl Presley, and my baby nephew (and first grandbaby for my parents) Bragg.  As much as I love being around them... there are times where I have to just walk away and leave for the fear of just falling to peices in front of everyone.  It's hard to sit in a room full of your cousins and siblings that you grew up with from diapers to weddings and listen to them all talk about thier life as being mommys and daddys and I can't retaliate!!!!!  We were suppose to grow up and have babies together and watch them grow up and be close just like us!  
Everyone keeps telling me, Melissa, God has a plan for you!!! You are going to have babies one day and they are going to be beautiful and healthy!  I just can't help but think it won't happen... I am trying so hard to keep my faith where it needs to be and I know I fail sometimes but all I can do is try right?  The doctors told me to loose weight because the PCOD triggers weight gain, bad acne.... so on and so forth, so I decided to do something about it and got on a medical weight loss.  So far I have lost 30 lbs. or so in a matter of a month and I still haven't had a period since August 8, 2008, which makes me worry.  I don't have a job anymore, which means no more insurance... So I don't have the money to go back to the doctor and get closer to fixing my problems.  I just feel so useless and worthless!  
Oh yeah and my brother and sister in law live in Hattisburg with my nephew Bragg,  so I don't ever get to see him unless its a holiday or special occasion... and I feel that he's the only thing in this world that can make me smile and still makes my heart beat!  What's a girl to do?  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me,  I just can't vent to anyone else like this without having them tell me the same old stuff... "you'll have babies Missy, just stop worrying about it!"  It's easier said than done!  
Thank you for your time and consideration in listening to my side of the story...
10 Responses
215752 tn?1278008371
Dear MIssy i know perfectly how you feel. I too have PCO as many on this site and all over.Let me tell you my story. I'm 27 y and have been with my husband since 23.The first year i didn't want any baby cause i was not feeling ready for it and my husband even though he wante it badly never pushed me if i wasn't sure.The second year we started tryingbut i didn't know any better so i was going immediately to the bathroom to get cleaned. (Sorry) After 1 year and still nothing i started having some other health issues and i didn't go to a gyn but i was seeing other doctors for my other problem.Then i went to my regular gyn and she put me on clomit and i never ovulated even after 6 rounds. My gyn never did a sono she was seeing me only with blood work and temp chart.After almost 1 year i went to a Re and did a sono and told me that i have PCO.My period is almost regular at least 80% of it. I have no acne or thin hair, only a couple of lb overweight.She started treating me with clomit and injections. I did a combination of both. I told him that clomit didn't work for me and i wanted another route. The next route was injections but with our condition we tend to OHSS. So he put me on a combination of both for me not to OHSS. And we did timed BD. I got pregnant the very first cycle.But m/c on the fifith week.2 months later i got my period and started immediately a new cycle. Got pregnant again and m/c at 8 weeks after seeing a heartbeat. Same story with the third pregnancy but that one was worse a blighted ovum.We did different kind of test but everything was ok so the only explanation was the egg quality.I took some months off and this summer i went through my first ivf. It didn't work for me. Now i'm taking some months off i neede it cause my body has been through so much.
I have many friends and family around me and i'm the only one who has no kids. Every year there is someone getting pregnant except me. This year a friend of our got pregnant the very first time she had sex with the fiance and here i am trying for so long.I go to everyones birthday and bring gifts and i feel so bad when other ask me are you trying or not.Unfortunately PCo is a condition that you have for life.It's not enough to make you ovulate the egg should be the right quality. Women with Pco have less chance of getting pregnant and bigger chance of m/c.I understand perfectly how you feel. Lately i have been so deprest that i cannot even make love to my husband.Another side effect of Pco. If you have an Re i would suggest you start a treatment with him. There is no time to lose.If you want that baby get to bussines.I don't have insurance either and everything is payed out of my pocket. We have spend tousand of dollars the last 2 years with him. But i have no choice.You are not alone there are other like you. It's frustrating but this is the way fate give us. I to ask many times why me.Take care of you and let your husband comfort you and make you feel loved. If you need to talk i'm here. Jenny
Avatar universal
I know how you feel, but having pcos is not the end of the world. Alot of women who have it, go on to have babies in the future. I found out I have since last year, maybe I've had it longer but it was only discovered last year. I was put on bc pills and now im on metformin and lost 22lbs. My doctor says the more weight i lose, the better chances I have for getting pregnant in the future. So please, I dont want you to think this is the worse thing ever because its not. Its a good thing that you were told that you have it now, instead of 5 years later and hopefully you can get treated for it and have a baby in the future. Good luck.
Avatar universal
I'll vent with you. I'm 33 and have a 13 year old daughter. My then husband and I divorced. I was diagnosed w/ PCOS when I was about 27. I remarried in 2006. My husband had no children and wants them. I've been reluctant to try, because of my irregular hormones, ovaries, etc. But in October 2007 we concieved. We were excited! But kept it a secret. The plan was to tell everyone once we hit 3 months. On Christmas eve, I started spotting. January 3rd, I had a full miscarriage in the doctor's office. I'd had a miscarriage before, but it was much earlier- and not as tramaumatic.  The pathology of the baby showed he was a boy. (that's what we hoped for). I can honestly say, losing that baby was THE MOST horrible thing that has ever happened to me and now- although everyone tells me.. it won't happen again, or lots of people lose pregnancies and go on to have happy babies.. I can't help but think about all the people who go through the process flawlessly and have these wonderful pregnancies and babies.  I just feel in my heart that I am unable to carry a baby to term and because of that I am scared to try. I just can't go through another miscarriage.  So, when people tell you.. you're young.. you have time.. don't worry.. god has a purpose, etc..

I can see that it would fire you up.  No one can or has walked in your shoes. All I can do is tell you that your feelings are reasonable and the frustration is warranted.

I am sorry. I do wish you and your husband all the best.
659645 tn?1224734219
Wow, I feel as if you are telling my story.  I'm a lot older than you but going through the same exact thing.  I started trying to have a baby 10 years ago and had miscarriage after miscarriage (3 that I can account for).  It wasn't until my 3rd that I found out that I had PCOS.   I mad my doctor give me every test that she could because I needed to know why I was being punished.  I have a very large family and here I'm the oldest grandchild and all of my younger cousins had babies.  I kid you not, every family function we had I heard the same question "Tawana when are you going to have a baby"?  I just want to hide in a corner and cry sometimes because I see all of my younger cousins caring for their children and talking about all the new things that their kids are doing and I feel so hurt. I'm also tired of people who already have kids tell me oh you don't want to have a kid because it's a lot of work.  I'm tired of hearing that from people too.  After having the 3rd miscarriage I was still deteremined and my doctor put on on glucophage and once again I did become pregnant and my numbers were higher than they were in the past but I ended up having a ruptured tubal pregnancy which was something I don't want to experience ever again and I think that is why for the past couple of years I just stop trying.  But it dawned on me that I'm really getting up there in age and I want to experience motherhood.  I talked to my doctor sharing some of my concerns and she still tells me that it's still possible even though I have PCOS and am only working with one fallopian tube but it's going to take patients and a lot of work.  Also I will have to get back on glucophage to balance my insulin level so that I can carry to full term.  Right now I'm trying to lose a little more weight before I go down that path again.  I'm following the South Beach Diet because they say it's good for women with PCOS (I lost 21 pounds in 2 months and I want to lose another 20).  I can't give up right now and you shouldn't either.  
688022 tn?1275948489
Missy,

First of all:  THANK GOD that there is someone else out there who feels like I do!!!  My husband and I haven't been married for very long (only a few month), but we've been together for a very long time.  I'm young (22), like you, and I feel like screaming every day.  Richard and I have had 5 miscarriages now.  One of which, was twins.  After my last miscarriage (last christmas) I had a 6 months long period that ended with and emergency D&C.  Now, we've been trying for a baby for almost 4 months with no luck.  We've done the ovulation tests and I haven't even ovulated!  So I went to the doctor and she diagnosed me with PCOS only 2 days ago.  

For me, it was a relief.  It makes sense of what's been going on with me.  My doctor wants to wait until we get my insulin resistance tests back before she'll put me on Metformin.  I am so nervous.  We want a healthy baby so badly.  And, I'm scared.  I don't think I can survive another miscarriage.  It's too hard on my heart.

All the symptoms of PCOS that I have...I don't know why they didn't figure it out sooner.  Especially with my weight gain.  I've gained almost 75lbs in the last 18 months.  I hate it.  The hardest part for me is seeing EVERYONE around me with little babies, or with their big pregnant bellies.  People keep telling me that we're young and that we have plenty of time.  Or, my favorite, just enjoy the time with your husband!  I love my husband very much.  And we are so thankful to finally be together (he is a US Marine Corps Veteran).  But we want children.  And it's so hard not being able to get pregnant and STAY pregnant.  I feel like a failure as a woman for the most part.  And my poor husband feels so helpless all the time.  

Our first miscarriage was in August of 2005.  It's now November of 2008.  So for over 3 years, we've been searching for answers. And we're just now getting some. It's so frustrating.  

Missy, please feel free to email me ANY time.  I'm in the same boat.... I'm here for you!
***@****
439903 tn?1380141482
Melissa is FINALLY pregnant!!!!!! Just thought i would share since she has not been on here yet (surprisingly =) Hope everyone else has had a happy ending or soon will be too!!!!!
1007532 tn?1332771526
Hi ladies, U all have told my story over and over again. the worst thing about me right now is that I work in an OB/GYN office and all I se EVERY day are pregnant people and babies, some days I have to go to the bathroom to breathe just so I don't cry in front the patients, u guys are right NO one ever really understands how we feel and some may thing we are over reacting or whatever they think... don't know, its hard, but what can we really do?? I was taking metformin but stopped I think I got disgusted with all the meds and shots I was doing and gave up for a while.... right now I am only taking vitex its supposed to help regulate my menses... we will see! DH don't really understand how I feel , but who really does except us on here .... its nice to have ppl to vent to who actually knows what the other is going through and know that they know how you feel.. anyway .. a little about me No menses since April 2009 gained weight, hair in places where I don't even want to tell have PCOS, did 3 cycles of meds that cost me $4000 and didn't get knocked up  ...hair loss ALOT its so sad.... strech marks all over because of the yo yo weight I am experiencing ... but what can I do all I can do is move forward, oh well
Good luck to you ladies on your journey and hopefully we all get what we want SOON !!!
SSBD to all
xoxoxoxo
1436083 tn?1291468961
Spoilbabe, i feel you. My pcos was so bad that i had hair on my face, i put on so much weight, and the pimples/bumps on my face, neck and chests were HUGE!!! And it was hard to walk down the street or to go to the supermarket without having people look at me in funny ways, and im a tall woman! 5'11, so when there are stubles on my face, i looked like a man in drag!

DH and i started ttc over 6 yrs ago, and 4 yrs ago i was diagnosed with pcos. I started taking metformin, we tried lots of fertility treatment but nothing happened. We wanted to have an IVF done, but i was overweight, i needed to loose a lot of weight within a short time.. Then they said DH couldnt make me pregnant, something to do with sperm quality..

All of this was hanging over our heads, then they prescribed Xenical, to help with the weight. But i was told that Xenical plus Metformin will significantly reduce my chances of getting pregnant, and staying pregnant.

Then this year feb, aunt flo stopped, and i thought, well, here we go again.. Pcos playing up. Then i had a home prg trst done, and it was positive!!! I never had a bfp!!!

We had a scan done, and i was already 7 weeks into the pregnancy.. I felt nothing, no nausea, no morning sickness, loss of appetite, tiredness, nothing! And now im due in 12 days time.. My baby is happy, and by God's grace, very healthy..

Bottom line is keep the faith and keep trying.. God definitely answers prayers.. I had given up, and completey blanked my mind, that when aunt flo didnt show, pregnancy was the LAST thing on my mind.. But here i am..

Please hang in there, it will happen, by God's grace. All the best.. xxx
Avatar universal
I completly understand I'm very depressed I was diagnosed with pcos this year I went to differnt doctors nobody had a clue y I was getting facial hair acne gaining tons of weight and y I wasn't having periods for 4 to 6 months with tons of negative test. Finally I had this dr tell me I had pcos. I held back the tears. Then like u I cried all the way home. I want a baby so bad me and my husband have been trying for almost 3yrs I'm getting on up there in my twentys I'm 27 my husband is 28. Everytime we see a baby on tv at the store he tells me how bad he wants 1. I almost cry. I understand. I'm think well y should he not have a baby he can its all my fault. I think he should leave me and find a woman that can. Idk what to do. He tells me whatever it cost idc we will have 1. The dr put me on bc pills for 3months my last pill was august 24th that was also my last period. We tried after I got off the pill. I was late and excited couldn't wait to get a test I really thought I could be pregnant. Took a test he couldn't wait for the results. I waited the long 3 min. Then looked it was negative he come in there smiling and said well. I just started crying I said no. He looked so depressed. Y god have we been chosen there are these poor homeless drug addicts with 5 kids. I have all my ducks in a roll. Y us. But I haven't had a period since aug 24th 2010 3 negative test. I give up!
Avatar universal
Venting is good & doing it here where there are others who know exactly how you're feeling & what you're going thru is takes the load off.

I dont want to get into my story but I wanted to tell y'all to hang in there and believe. Relax & enjoy the "making baby" part. Stress won't help. I've been there. I'll gladly share my story if you think I'm not being sympathetic. I am. But we just have to believe in our hearts that God has our perfect babies waiting just for us at just the right time. And it may not be on our time table. Try to stay positive & keep your faith. It's hard. Trust me I know. Women are best at taking blame & feeling guilt. But anytime we get thru a difficult situation it only makes us stronger. Best of luck & I hope the tide turns for all of us soon!
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