Death of a baby, and being pregnant again...

[Canada1609]

I had a baby last December and he had problems and unfortunately, he didn't make it...we were told we could try again after a few months, and first try, I was pregnant again. I was relaxed and fine, then I had an ultrasound this morning - now I am worried like crazy. Even though all was "normal" - (nasal bone found, nuchal 1.7) I'm not counting on it. The last one was "completely normal", and my blood work was under the "cut off", but I demanded an amnio because I had a gut feeling.  I was right. There were defects. And we lost him, but we believe that everything happens for a reason, and we never once played the "why us?" card.

This morning, at the ultrasound, I started to cry when we saw the baby, and then so did my husband. We want to be happy and excited, but we are so aprehensive; and my husband is really nervous about the amnio, but we decided to do it again. Anyone been through this? How did you cope? We have been SO strong through everything, and I don't want to fall apart now. I have 4 weeks to wait and wonder and worry...any suggestions?

[adgal]

I am so incredibly sorry for what you have been through.  I cannot even imagine how difficult it must have been for you, and your anxiety now is completely understandable.  My situation is not exactly the same, and I will not even pretend that is was as difficult as yours, however there are some similarities in how we felt, so perhaps I can help a little.  I had 5 m/c in a row. Now, they were all first trimester, so very different from what you experienced, but I was devestated nonetheless.  When I got pregnant the 6th time, I completely expected it to go the same route.  As time progressed and things seemed ok, I still could not believe it.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.  After he was born, tiny but healthy, I became a total mess.  I was obsessed with his breathing, and could not sleep or do anything but watch him like a hawk.  It was like I was waiting for something bad to happen.  It's an awful way to live.  I finally talked to my Dr. and he sent me to a physciatrist.  I am on anti anxiety medication combined with therapy and feel a thousand times better.  I am finally able to relax and enjoy.  My point in telling you all this is that I desperatly wish I had sought help during my pregnancy.  It is such a special time, and I feel like I missed so much because I was so anxious all the time.

Your situation is about 100 times worse then my experience, and I would be surprised if you did not feel anxious.  I strongly urge you to seek help.  It does not mean there is anything wrong with you and there is no shame in it.  But you do not have to live this way, and should be able to enjoy that beautiful life growing inside of you.

I wish you peace and congrats to you on your pregnancy!

[LosingMyMindInGA]

Would you either post or send me the link please, I'd love to check out the page!

[rdh1981]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I have walked a mile in your shoes! In June 2008, I gave birth to my beautiful son Cooper. He was born with a heart condition called HLHS his condition had been discovered at my routine 18wk check-up. Immediately after Cooper was born he had open-heart surgery. My little trooper fought hard for seven weeks until his body could handle no more.  I miss him dearly and my heart still aches for him everyday.  

Cooper did bless us with his little brother Cruz a year later. At every prenatal appt for Cruz I was nervous wreck, worried that something would be wrong again. All test came out clear and my little 10 month old is crawling all over the floor as I type!

Just put your trust in God and your little Angel! I found going to a counselor and a support group really help me get control over my feelings. I wish you the best and I am here if you need to talk!

I can also send you the link to my MH page I started called Baby Angels!

Rachel

[LosingMyMindInGA]

You take it one day at a time.  We lost our first son to a cord accident at 38 weeks.  It was completely unexpected.  I went into labor and we went to the hospital expecting to meet our son soon only to be told he had died.  A year later I got pregnant again and we were complete nervous wrecks.  Fortunately we had doctors that were very sympathetic and did everythign they could to ensure us the baby was fine, including any tests we wanted, multiple ultrasounds, more frequent appts, etc.  The further along I got the more scared we were.  There was nothing I found that relieved our apprehension and fear until we were holding our daughter. Even then it took awhile to realize that she was ok and I could walk away from her for a few minutes.  At first I was hovering over her constantly.  

I do agree with DoulaSummer that a support group is a great idea.  I never had that opportunity becuaes we were stationed overseas.  Good luck and if you need to talk please feel free to pm me.  Keep us posted!

[babydust2009]

Yes Im fighting with Mother Nature as I type this. I was hoping for a BFP this month, but for some reason God does not want me to be pregnant just yet.. Maybe you can take a youga class for relaxing..  I know it's not easy.. I have been going through the ttw for months now.. You can do it..Mary...

[Canada1609]

Yes, I do believe that you can't pick a fight with Mother Nature and win; that is just the way it is, and we have ALWAYS accepted that. I'm just needing to figure out a way to relax for the next 6 weeks. Nothing worse than waiting, eh?

[babydust2009]

I will be praying for you, and your family.. Try to relax , and I would agree with Doula to get into a support group.. I am ttc as well. My mom tell me that it's in God's hands, and to trust in him. So that's what I do alot of praying ... Mary...

[DoulaSummer]

Have you been to a support group or a counselor that works with parents who have lost a child?  I would strongly suggest you find something in your area.  It is very important to know you are not invisible and the support will greatly help you.  If you have a doula in your area that you are familiar with she will be a great source for you and be able to refer you and your husband to people who will be able to further help you understand what happened in the first pregnancy, help you cope with your loss, and help you enjoy and embrace your current pregnancy.

Best wishes!