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Donor eggs
My husband and I have decided to use donor eggs. Now, here's my question: For those who have used donor eggs, or sperm, ARE YOU PLANNING ON TELLING YOUR CHILD THAT THEY ARE NOT YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD. If so, or not, then WHY? My husband and I are going around and around with this. My doctor seems to think that these days there is no need to tell a child, but my husband says we will tell them.
Plus, biologically this kid has the egg donor's DNAs!!! Healthwise it makes more sense to let them know the truth. I would also tell everyone that my kid has two mothers, just to train the community to get used to this kind of pregnancies but I guess still there will be some conservative people that I will hide!!!!
Tell the truth!!! When they get older, there will be a lot of kids like them, the world is changing. Just tell him/her that everyone comes to this world differently and he/she has two mothers.
I am 45 and trying to get pregnant with IVF, my best bet is to use a donor egg. I am thinking to tell my kid the truth cause we have to be honest in our lives. In a very young age but without hurting her/him. My friend used sperm donor and starting from 6 months old, she told her that everybody comes to this world different!!! Two mothers, two fathers, now father, no mother etc etc... So, kid is now 4 years old and she never feels strange that she doesn't have a father. She thinks that everybody has something different anyways.. Ideally I would love my kid gets in touch with the real mother later in life.. So having joy of having two mothers :) There is nothing to be afraid of, the world is changing so fast and when they get older, there will be a lot of human like them produced by donor eggs and sperm!!! Tell the truth!!!
I think you should tell the child ~ and not for anything other than if there is a medical issue in the future, GOD FORBID, you would want them to know ahead of time instead of finding out in the hospital when your specific donor items are not compatible to the child's ~ it would be WAY less traumatic ~
Elizabeth...
I just want to weigh in on this as well. Utimately, we are just voicing our opinions...at least I am...you are your own person and have to have peace within yourself on what it right for YOU & your FAMILY. It is however unfortunate that your husband is so adament in revealing the information when you aren't...hopefully you all will come to a shared agreement.
My understanding(I don't have donor eggs) is this...although the eggs are not yours, but the sperm is your husbands, why is this even an issue? You are caring your husbands biological (if we are being technical) child, but it is your baby because you and your husband are one...at least that is my understanding. Meaning one in Spirit & Flesh. I am not preaching, but the two shall become one flesh. In other words the baby will be both of yours...not good to single out one bio parent over another. I think adoption is totally different...the baby isn't either parents biologically and therefore maybe inform that child at some point. It is all up to you & your family, but me personally...I would not tell my child unless it was absolutely necessary and definitely not until they are at an age of understanding. I pray that no matter what is decided that it will be the best decision for all involved. Mega Baby Dust Lady.
Savanha~
I just want to weigh in on this as well. Utimately, we are just voicing our opinions...at least I am...you are your own person and have to have peace within yourself on what it right for YOU & your FAMILY. It is however unfortunate that your husband is so adament in revealing the information when you aren't...hopefully you all will come to a shared agreement.
My understanding(I don't have donor eggs) is this...although the eggs are not yours, but the sperm is your husbands, why is this even an issue? You are caring your husbands biological (if we are being technical) child, but it is your baby because you and your husband are one...at least that is my understanding. Meaning one in Spirit & Flesh. I am not preaching, but the two shall become one flesh. In other words the baby will be both of yours...not good to single out one bio parent over another. I think adoption is totally different...the baby isn't either parents biologically and therefore maybe inform that child at some point. It is all up to you & your family, but me personally...I would not tell my child unless it was absolutely necessary and definitely not until they are at an age of understanding. I pray that no matter what is decided that it will be the best decision for all involved. Mega Baby Dust Lady.
Savanha~
ok, I like dr laura (me hero) don't think you should tell things that are of no benefit to the child to know... she's yours.. thats all that matters...
I guess I'm on the other side of this from a lot of ya'll, Kathryn's been with us for 3.5 years. Seriously, we don't even think about her being conceived any other way than normal, since I birthed her. And haven't even thought about it since, well since she was conceived.
Should it come up, we would probably tell her. But right now....??? I guess we're all just glad she's here. No one holds it against us for going that route, and certainly not against Kathryn. Nor do they treat her any differently from Lauren (who was a natural conception, weird as it is).
Maybe in a few more years when she starts figuring stuff out about babies and such, we'll answer her questions as honestly as she can understand. Haven't really thought about the future in those terms, but we'll probably disclose all when she is old enough to understand.
Should it come up, we would probably tell her. But right now....??? I guess we're all just glad she's here. No one holds it against us for going that route, and certainly not against Kathryn. Nor do they treat her any differently from Lauren (who was a natural conception, weird as it is).
Maybe in a few more years when she starts figuring stuff out about babies and such, we'll answer her questions as honestly as she can understand. Haven't really thought about the future in those terms, but we'll probably disclose all when she is old enough to understand.
I'm 32 weeks pg w/the help of donor eggs & i do plan on being honest w/my baby about the situation. Our re encouraged us to make the decision of whether or not to tell the child before the procedure. Of course it won't be any time soon-LOL. I just don't want the burden of keeping a secret like this plus I want the donor's medical history made available if needed. I'm very happy that we used donor eggs so I have no problem letting him know the 'circumstances' if you will of his conception - just as I would if he were adopted.
I would be up front with the child and let them know just how special they are and all the work mom and dad did to have them.
No child will ever hate you for that. they would fill that much more special and loved. and you will fill so much better he or she knowing just so you wont have that guilt of not telling.
God for bid later them to find out. No telling how they would fill. YOU CANT GO WRONG WITH HONESTY...
good luck that would be tough.. but I say good for you..I wish you and your husband the best.. congratulations..I hope it all works out for the best with you.
No child will ever hate you for that. they would fill that much more special and loved. and you will fill so much better he or she knowing just so you wont have that guilt of not telling.
God for bid later them to find out. No telling how they would fill. YOU CANT GO WRONG WITH HONESTY...
good luck that would be tough.. but I say good for you..I wish you and your husband the best.. congratulations..I hope it all works out for the best with you.
My husband and I, like flygirl, were required to see a psychologist before our donor transfer. The psychologist highly recommended telling the child the truth from a very young age. My husband and I have very mixed feelings about the whole issue. We have two biological boys and my husband has 3 grown boys from a previous marriage (stepchildren to me). It all gets very complicated. We are still unsure of what the best course of action should be. We don't want her to feel different or betrayed. I'm 14 weeks now and I feel exactly the same as I did with my "homemade" children. Best of luck to you.
My husband and I could not conceive the old fashioned way and used donor eggs. The agency we picked recommended that we see a psychologist to discuss our feelings regarding this process. Both my husband and I agreed that secrets are really bad and if the child found out later, it could turn into a huge emotional scene and issue. (It happened to friend of mine, who was 25 and found out she was adopted...she was devastated). There are many books on how to discuss this with your child and immediate family, but you don't have to tell everyone you come across. That's at least as to what were going to do. It's kinda like adoption except, your blood is running through this childs veins but not your genetic makeup. I'm 19weeks and already feel a bond with this child! In my case, I just don't think I could live with myself if I kept it a secret that this wonderful women un-selfishly donated her eggs so that myself and husband could have this amazing baby. Legally, we can only contact the donor for medical emergency purposes. Like a said, you should seek a professional and talk about your fears. It really helped us. Good luck!
We used donor sperm for our first child and finally decided it didn't matter a bit. She's our child.
We did discuss it at length when we started the process. And just stopped discussing it, because it gave us a headache. There's no right or wrong answer. And now, I don't think either of us ever thinks about it.
Now, should something medical happen where family history does matter, then we would disclose that to her pediatrician and probably to her. But until that day, she's a product of us regardless of how we got her there. And it may never come up. If it does, we'll handle it then, but it still won't take away her being our daughter. Same goes for you guys. Regardless of whether or not your child knows or finds out, the end result is that is your child. You just had to have a little assistance.
Oh, and our families knew we used donors. Frankly 3 years later, I don't think anyone remembers or even cares. Her paternal grandma thinks she's the spitting image of her daddy at that age. I say "take a look at my pics and you'll see she's ALL me!". It'll be that way probably forever. :)
Congrats on the decision, I know it's a hard one to make. Best of luck to you!
PS...have you heard about the woman who used IVF, implanted 1 so they wouldn't have multiples and had 3 identical triplets? I'm so amazed!
We did discuss it at length when we started the process. And just stopped discussing it, because it gave us a headache. There's no right or wrong answer. And now, I don't think either of us ever thinks about it.
Now, should something medical happen where family history does matter, then we would disclose that to her pediatrician and probably to her. But until that day, she's a product of us regardless of how we got her there. And it may never come up. If it does, we'll handle it then, but it still won't take away her being our daughter. Same goes for you guys. Regardless of whether or not your child knows or finds out, the end result is that is your child. You just had to have a little assistance.
Oh, and our families knew we used donors. Frankly 3 years later, I don't think anyone remembers or even cares. Her paternal grandma thinks she's the spitting image of her daddy at that age. I say "take a look at my pics and you'll see she's ALL me!". It'll be that way probably forever. :)
Congrats on the decision, I know it's a hard one to make. Best of luck to you!
PS...have you heard about the woman who used IVF, implanted 1 so they wouldn't have multiples and had 3 identical triplets? I'm so amazed!
Hi, I havent used any donation proceedures, but I have a friend who's a donor and she checks on her paperwork that she wouldn't mind being contacted in the future if the child ever wanted to know her. That's a hard one though. Personally I wouldnt tell; only b/c if I'm carring that child whether he/she was a product of my overies or not I'm still mommy and daddy is still daddy and really (unless health issues arose) there's no need to say anything. Good luck with your decision!
if you decide not to tell. and I don't think you should just because you don't need to burden your child with that... if you decide not to don't tell ANYONE you are using donor eggs... no one... you don't want it to slip out later and have her feel she is the only one that didn't know. You have to ask yourself what is the benefit of the child knowing... I would say none.. since there is no way for her to later find the donor there is no reason at all... just could hurt that bond you have as mother during teen years... she will be yours just leave it at that
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