I'm afraid I'll be a bad mother

[afraidtobeamom]

After a lifetime telling people that I don't want children, I find myself questioning this decision.  While searching the 'net for a place to figure out what's up with me, I stumbled here.  I thought this might be a good place to ask...

So, a brief history...  My mother abandoned my brother and I when we were very young.  I use the term "abandon" loosely.  My parents divorced when I was 2, and I lived with my father while my mother lived/traveled around the US.  I didn't really re-establish a relationship with my mother until I was in middle school.  It wasn't until college that I grappled with the insecurities left by being "abandoned".  

Now, I'm wondering if my "decision" to not have children was more of a "default" and less of a real decision.  Now, I'm starting to question if my apprehension is due to my abandonement issues (jeez, won't I ever move past it???!!!).  

I've been married to my wonderful husband for almost eight years, and later this year, I'll turn 35 years old.  We've always said we don't want children, except maybe when we're older, we might like to be foster parents.  

Now, my husband and I are talking every few weeks about maybe reconsidering.

Does any of this make sense?  Can I still be scarred by something that happened over 30 years ago?  I  know I probably need professional help, but I'd like to kind of put out a "feeler" to see what might be up with me.  

I'm terried that I'm going to turn into my mother, but I already am!!!  How can I parent differently than my own mother?

I'm also on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication that is NOT safe for pregnant women.  I'm terrified of going off my meds!  

[AnnieBrooke]

Dr. Laura also has a book called "Bad Childhood, Good Life" or something like that, and it might help.  I've seen a couple of her other books and they can be kind of flip and don't answer things in huge depth, but it might be a place to start.  

You are NOT stuck repeating bad patterns, but you do have to be aware, and to be open to learning what good parenting habits are.  Just doing what comes naturally isn't necessarily the best advice for parenting, because too often what "comes naturally" is based on modeling what our parents did, so you're only as good (if you use that approach) as your parents were.  (And of course, in your case, that is pretty bad.)  But you are not prohibited from learning what to do better.  I really liked the "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen and Listen So Your Children Will Talk" books for their smart take on emotional connectedness to your kids, and I went on from there using recommendations from those books and others.  Good luck, you can learn, and do it right.  

[afraidtobeamom]

I'm really glad I came out of hiding to ask!  You all have given me some great things to think about as my hubby and I continue to discuss and make this very HUGE decision!

Today, I'm leaning more towards having a child than not.  I don't know about tomorrow.  :)

[lynda544]

Hi. Your post caught my eye because I too had very similar questions. I basically was abandoned by both parents very early on. Dad was an alcoholic and never in my life. Mom divorced when I was 2 weeks old and had a "secret" affair with the same man for 35 years. Her children never came first and we learned to survive by not making noise and being "good".I always thought children were not in my future. Somehow I ended up dating and marrying a man with young children. I guess this allowed me to practice without making a true commitment to motherhood. I found that I loved children, and it gave true purpose to my life.
Interestingly enough, once we decided to have children of our own, I developed anxiety once my pregnancy was confirmed. I have always worked in the medical field so I sought out professional help. With the help of a therapist, I continued my pregnancy without anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. I did have issues with post-partum depressions which was once again easily controlled with support. I guess what I am trying to say is.....If you truly want to be a parent, all these things can be worked out. You can be a wonderful Mother despite your history!!! The joy and personnel growth my children have allowed me to experience is something I cannot put into words.

[mamom15]

My husband had a very similar childood to yours.  He was kind of abandoned by his mother when he was 3 and his father had sole custody of him since then.  She continued to periodically show up in his life for a while until he was 10, when something happened and since then there is a resttraining order against her and she cannot initiate contact.  This happened almost 30 years ago.  Even committing to marriage was a huge deal for him and he had to go through counselling for that.  At the time of marriage he made it very clear that we were never going to have kids.  After 7 years of marriage last year we decided to try.  I am now 38 weeks pregnant and have had a very stressfull pregnancy.  He has been by my side thru all of this, never missed a single Dr's appointment.  He has been a rock.  His face lights up when he talks about the baby girl we are expecting and he has every u/s picture in his wallet and not shy about sharing it with compleet strangers.  Like you he had a lot of fears about committment and being a bad parent and learn't to over come.  I am sure you will make a wonderful mother despite your hesitation.  Maybe a better mother than a lot of other woman out there.  So go ahead give it a try and everything will be fine  

[melimeli]

I love this question when put to dr. laura... she says when we are little we seem to think there are only two ways to be.. like our mother or like our father.. but there is always a third way.. that is what you have to focus on.  

The other favorite quote I love of hers is....

You have 2 chances for a mother child relationship in your life... one where you are the child and the other when you are the mother..   You have the chance to right that wrong being the mother you always wanted...

[adgal]

Absolutely you can be a great mom.  You are aware of your possible issues and that is a huge step in the right direction.  See a therapist..heck most of us could use a bit of therapy from time to time and there is no shame in it.  And talk to your Dr. about meds that are safe.  I wasn't on anything while pregnant, but I am on meds now for post partum depression and am still nursing.  There are many safe options available and your Dr. is the best person to advise you.  Good luck to you!!

[KarenDiane]

Hello! Yes, you can still be scarred by your mother all these years later. I would strongly suggest counseling to help you work out your feelings. And, depending on your particular meds and the dosage you are on, you may not have to stop taking them. I am 21 weeks pregnant and currently take 50mg. of zoloft daily. I was worried about the meds as well, but my midwives all insisted it was fine and I've heard from others who took zoloft during pregnancy without ill effects. Good Luck.