Three and a half months since miscarriage

[slmcgaughey]

I have been having such a hard time lately.  We have been trying again and I know it hasn 't been very long but the only thing that keeps me from just curling up in the corner and pulling the carpet over my head is hoping for another miracle.  Then I get my period and it is like losing the baby all over again.  I see babies and pregnant women everytime I turn around.  My younger sister in pregnant with her fourth in five years and is due the same day I was, a week before Christmas.  I am having trouble sleeping, and when i do sleep, I dream I have a little baby girl and then I wake up and she's gone. I went to my nephews birthday a few weeks ago and just seeing my sister's belly, I had to go in the bathroom and sit and cry for like a half hour.  Everyone says "Don't worry. It will happen again."   But they don't get it.  What if it doesn't.  DH wasn't supposed to be able to have kids EVER because of medical issues.  What if this was our only chance.  I can't talk to him.  He was so hurt, he just says "I don't want to hear it.  You just have to get over it. It gone."  He doesn't want to hear the word baby, or doctors, or ovulation or fertility monitor.  He says he wants to try for another one, but he says "just tell me when you need me, but I don't want to know anything else."  I feel this huge empty hole in my chest and I know nothing will fill it but having a baby and if we can't I want to know why God did this to me in the first place, then I just want to stop breathing and go hold my baby in heaven.  Sorry to vent, but it is so hard.

[adgal]

I just hurt so badly for you.  I understand, I really really do. I have been there and I too had a very hard time working through it.  It took some time and a lot of support (the wonderful ladies here really helped me through the tough times).  The only thing I can tell you is that it does get better.  I still have "moments".  August 20th would have been my first babies 1 year birthday...I think about it and still mourn sometimes.  It's ok to have these feelings.  I did find that I had to get some professional help for a bit.  There is no shame in it and it helped me deal with some of the feelings I had.  In addition to the emotional pain of losing a much wanted and desired baby, I think many women (myself included) go through almost a sense of shame.  Pregnancy is supposed to be such a natural thing, so why can't we do it?  Try not to think of it as your only chance.  Allow yourself to mourn and to work through this in your own time.  When you are ready, go ahead and try again.  If there is a medical issue, and you really believe it is unlikely to get pregnant again on your own, talk to your Dr. to explore other options (if you want to of course).  All those things helped me and gave me hope.  And feel free to lean on us.  Sadly many of us have been where you are but there are many happy endings here and I hope the same becomes true for you.  Sending you a hug and prayers.  Take care.  Amanda

[40smama]

You're going through so much right now and it sounds like you're having to cope w/all of this alone - bless your heart!  I believe your husband's grieving too in his own way - it's just too bad that he seems to be pulling away but I also believe that that too will get better.  But in the meantime, lean on us!  So many of us have been through m/c's - I've been through two - and it was just heartbreaking.  With the 2nd one, I got some counseling and it helped put things so much better in perspective plus it helped me to really grieve w/a person trained in listening.  that makes so much difference!  It might even help you to understand your husband's reaction and cope with it.

Think about it anyway - Amanda's right - don't try to think that this will be your only chance of pregnancy - try not to go down this road.  This is where counseling is really a useful tool.  I hope this helps!  Remember to vent ANYTIME you need to! - jen

[MarieB43]

I had a similar experience in that my DH was not really happy about the pregnancy and was actually relieved after my m/c.  I had to stuff a lot of feelings.  Then, a friend announced her pregnancy to me not knowing I had been pregnant and m/c.  Her due date was around when I would have been due.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  You have to let yourself feel them and find someone who can listen to you talk things out.  This forum is a good one.  It takes time, but eventually the pain lessens.  

[slmcgaughey]

Thank you all for your feedback.  It helps.  I really do believe that DH really wanted this baby and is just afraid of going through the same thing again. His mother was told when he was very little that because of a medical condition that he had at birth that he would never be able to father a child.  He is very good with other peoples kids, and you  can just see in his eyes the "I wish" and then for a few weeks his wish came true.  When the doctor first said "See that flicker. That's the heartbeat."  he literally collapsed on the office floor in tears.  But we ordered a fertility monitor which should arrrive sometime this week and I am temping and doing everything I can.  Today  we went to the County Fair and we ran in to an old neighbor. She had a little girl in June and she was just cute as a bug. I asked to hold her. Then spent about a half hour snugglin and kissin and trying to soak up all the baby dust I could get.  This is the second baby I have held since, (both named Riley, go figure) and both times it was really very calming and soothing to hold a little one, so I have to believe it will happen.   Thanks for listening.

[prevatt77]

Yes, you do have to believe that it will happen and it will happen.  I gave birth to my son on my birthday in December and I was 41.  He was a struggle, but I was not going to give up.  I had 5 miscarriges prior to him and it was hard; very hard.  But I went to an RE after the 4th one and he told me " don't give up, this is just bad luck and you will get a healthy egg and go on to have a healthy baby" and sure enough I did and I was so glad that I had a doctor that encouraged me and stood by me and helped me along, if it wasn't for him I probably would have given up.  After my 4th MC I went out and bough a feritility monitor as well and that seemed to work a lot easier.

I wish you the best and it will happen for you just give it time and believe in your dream and it will happen.

Good Luck ~ Debbie

[usuk]

All of your feelings have been felt my those of us here who have had MCs. You are not alone or unstable. When they are unexplained MCs it is a tiny bit harder, because you feel singled out, cursed or unlucky. But there other side of that coin is that as of now, there is nothing permanent in your body that is causing this, and so you have to try again. But first you have to come out on the other side of this hurt. Sounds like you are not there yet. Give it time. Still try to make a baby just know that it is not a race to fill a whole in your heart. That only creates stress. Good luck and stay in touch.

PS. My doc gave same advice. Bad egg and just keep trying.