The right time? long story

[elenaruiz21]

I have a son who's 5 me and his biological father broke up when he was 2 months . He never ever came to see him again since then etc I meet this fantastic man when my son was 1 year and 2 months we got married in January 2014, and I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant with bby girl. We suggested that he would adopt my son andrei and was over the moon with this idea +that my son had his bio father surname too we still in the process to get the adoption it's been over a year now the big questions is when to tell my son about his bio dad? I feel so bad It's so frustrating idea don't even know how he will cope Idk how to start can't just be like oh dear you know u have another daddy that would be heartbreaking plus I don't want him to find out from other people as he's in school and his teacher calls his "bio father surname " and when the adoption will finish we will change his surname probably he would find it strange ? So damn gard situation any suggestions?

[elenaruiz21]

Got you. yeah you're right

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't put a lot of store in someone having a bio father near him who is violent and uninterested, you don't want him to suffer for not having him near?  Please.  And he has a loving and caring father near him right now.  Please don't insult the love his stepdad offers by acting like it is somehow inferior to having some a-.hole nearby who just happens to have a genetic connection.  I'm sorry you didn't give the child YOUR last name when he was born, at least now he could be Andrei [Your Name] Ruiz.  It sounds like his stepdad is a great man, and his genetic donor is a jerk, so drop the silly idea that you owe anything to the jerk, for the sake of the great man. You owe the sperm donor a thank you for the sperm and nothing else.

[elenaruiz21]

I don't want him to suffer because I got another partner and he doesn't have his bio father next to him .. It ***** but I had no choise I wouldn't mind leaving his surname how it is but his dad doesn't deserve it he never paid a nappy ne never came see him he doesn't contact him at all plus when we were together he was so violent to me he's so useless and he has another boy which obvs its not with his mum either

[elenaruiz21]

He says sometimes my name is andrei Lupu ,ruiz (Lupu his bio bather surname )and (ruiz his step.daddy surname ) as he heard in the house so he thinks he has both .. sometimes I do say no andrei ur name is just andrei ruiz but he's like noo and Lupu aswell idk if idk do smthg bad saying this too him ?!

[bump2015]

I would wait til he asked about it. I'm sure he realizes his name is different and understands that it's going to change when the process is final but until then, just follow his cues. Your husband obviously loves him as his own and drawing attention to the whole thing might make it feel like a bigger deal than it is (it is a big deal though in a good way, I just mean it might make him feel like it's a bad thing)
I like the suggestion of talking to the school about calling him by his soon to be last name too, it'll help him to adjust. And when he does ask, try to keep the answer she appropriate and try not to bash bio dad. The older he gets the more straight forward honest answers he'll be able to digest.

I feel like I might have started rambling and began sounding like a crazy woman.

[elenaruiz21]

Thanks ladies means alot by the way he doesn't know this surname is his bio father he doesn't have a clue. He knows what's his step daddy surname but he's too young to ask why different names tho? I will see what I can do with school and stuff. Wish me luck x

[Ferny1111]

I would go ahead and tell him children now days are more intelligent than we think and they can cope with things better than we can .....just sit him down and tell him that he has two dads one that help create him( which you don't have to tell him how lol) and one who helps raise him and loves him very much he won't make a big deal about it cause he is still young but at least you will be able to tell him the truth ... Two of my nefews one from my brother and one from my brother in law are taking care of kids that aren't there's and the kids know that they are not there real dads but don't seem to care cause they love them like they are one of them is always saying he wants his last name to be changed like his step dads ....

[AnnieBrooke]

Your son doesn't have quote-unquote "another daddy," he has a sperm donor, so don't open the door to the possibility of interpreting it any other way if you talk to your son about it (if your son ever were to want to know).  I would take the line with everyone that he had a sperm donor for a bio dad but that your husband is his dad. Your son does not need to know that you and the bio dad had a relationship if the guy was not even in your life since your child was 2 months old.  

When you enroll him in school, talk to the principal and point out that the adoption is proceeding and ask if your son can be called by just your husband's last name.  It might not be legally possible to list him on rosters by any other name but his legal name, but it is certainly possible for the teacher to pencil out the wrong name and write the correct one, on class lists.  The principal, the school secretary, and the teacher will be your allies on this.

[bebbi2005]

Going from personal experience; the sooner the better. Be honest with him and answer his questions. The longer you wait the harder it will be. I grew up with a step dad and he didn't treat me any different than his two bio kids but my parents were always honest with me and when I was old enough I made the decision to contact my bio dad whom I'd never met. He ended up being a huge disappointment but it was better for me to find out on my own. And I never felt like my parents lied to me. I had my last name changed to my step dad's when I was 13 per my own request :)

[AnnieBrooke]

I assume he knows his surname now, and that it is his bio father's surname?  If so, how does he explain that it is different than your name and your husband's name, if he doesn't know he has a different bio dad?  Or are you saying he has both your husband's and the bio dad's surnames?  (if the latter, it would not be a big deal to drop the bio dad's surname, a 5-year-old is not going to be too bugged by that.)

[elenaruiz21]

Teacher calla him *