Sad but Emotionless after 2nd miscarriage

[ovaz129]

Well, some of you were aware that I was pregnant.  I went to the hospital on Thursday evening because I had bright red spotting when I went to the bathroom.  While there, they did blood work and discovered that my hCG levels were only at 4,800.  I was supposed to have been 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  They then performed an ultrasound and only found fluid in my uterus... no sign of a fetus.  Although early, the docs were not sure if they weren't seeing anything in my uterus since it was so early, or if I was going through a miscarriage.  So, I was sent home.  I made an appt. on Friday to see my doctor.  I had an appt. at 11:30am.  She did an internal and said that my cervix was completely closed, but my uterus felt a bit swollen.  She did not seem concerned with my swollen uterus, as hCG can make the uterus swell.  She didn't draw blood, instead wanted my levels to be checked on Sat.  (48 hours after the 1st hCG test)  Well, by the time I got home from the doctors office, I began having very intense cramping.  I laid down for about a 1/2 hour and the cramps were only increasing.  I thought that I had begun bleeding, but when I went to the restroom it looked like I had peed myself.  But, once I sat down, my miscarriage began.  I am still bleeding, but the cramps and the blood flow has gotten more managable.  

This is my 2nd miscarriage, but 1st spontaneous one.  I had a d & c in sept. when I was 15 weeks and was devistated.  I don't know what is wrong with me, but I am just taking this one in stride.  I am attributing my feelings to the fact that I was only 6 weeks, and I never totally felt pregnant.  I wasn't sick, I wasn't tired... really, I only had sore boobs.  (The ultrasound showed my uterus measuring at 5 weeks 3 days.)  Yes, I am sad, but I don't have that overwhelming feeling of sadness like I had before.  I feel so guilty for not feeling as sad as I did before.

I guess, I just want to know if anyone else has gone through more than one miscarriage and felt the way I do?  Or maybe you didn't feel the way I do... either way, just looking for some support.  Thanks....

[leighanne143]

i posted a pretty similar post last week.  I just had my 2nd MC within the last 5 months and i am just beside myself.  i had one in oct 07 and one in feb 08, both had to be d and c's too.  my first i was 11 weeks along but the baby stopped growing and my secodn was very similar to yours, there was just an empty sac and i was suppsoed to have been 6 or 7 weeks along.  My doctor is going to start running some test this thursday but i just feel hopeless.  I wish i had something to say that will help but i honestly do not.  All we can do is take it one day at a time and know that our day will come and hopefully it will be soon.

[JoyRenee]

It is not unusual for you to feel detached. You probably subconsciously did not allow yourself to become attached because of your previous loss. Also, that's part of the grieving process (denial). Just take things one day at a time and don't feel guilty if you aren't crying or upset. Everyone is different and reacts differently. I have only had one m/c and it broke my heart. If I were to ever have another, I'd probably be numb and detached from it.

[KellyA74]

I'm sorry for all of your losses!  It's a tough thing to go thru...I've only had one missed M/C of twins that ended in a D&C in Dec., but I can understand what you are saying about basically being numb this time around....I'm so scared to get pregnant again as well...Don't feel guilty for feeling that way....It's your coping mechanism and that's something that everyone needs at a time like this......Best wishes.

[AnitaRFrith]

I have been pregnant twice but had 3 miscarriages.  The first time I was pregnant with twins.  I lost the first one in the first 3 weeks.  And the 2nd one at 20 weeks.  I had spotting just like you did an aches from the start.  I went to the er in horrible pain.  They took me to the back and did a ultra sound.  Then they took me back into the room an a tech put that thing on my stomach and I heard her heart beat.  ( So I'm thinking thing are going to be ok.)  As the tech went to close the door behind her I sat up in the bed and my water broke.  They then came in and cleaned me up and did a pelvic exam.  By then they could see my babies head.  They rushed me to the labor room where I gave birth to her.  I was heart broken... we put her to rest in our family's cemetery.   We named her Natalie Grace DeVall.  I was on anti depressants for about 6 months after that.  Then I got pregnant a year later.  I was SO happy.  I just knew that every thing would be ok this time.  Five days after finding out that I was pregnant I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible pain in my right side.  ( Labor pain were nothing compared to that.)  I woke up my husband, its about 3am, and told him that we have to go to the ER.  To make a long story short I was pregnant in my right tube.  They did a ultra sound and found that I had to go to surgery ASAP.  It was about 4:15 am when they took me to surgery.  They removed my right tube.  I had stitches in my belly button, and staples from one hip all the way to the other.  They send me home 3 days later.  I was home about 2 or 3 days an I got VERY high fevers,   When I went back to the ER it was 106.0.  ( It felt like my eyes were cooking inside my head.)  My stomach was full of infection and was pulling against the staples.  They came in and pulled out the staples with no pain killer at all.  When  they got to the last one my stomach popped open and brown infection gushed out onto the floor.  They came in twice a day and stuck their hands in my stomach and scrubbed.  I was in there for 2 weeks... it took a week to get the fever to break. I had the long cuffs on my legs that would fill with air on my legs to keep blood flow in my legs.  And a womb vacuum that pumped out infection.   I had cellulites and a womb infection.  Once I got out of the hospital I had to go to physical therapy every day for 2 months.  They never closed the incision.  I had a tube in my stomach that pumped out the blood and infection.  I had to carry a machine that looked like a purse. I had friends that had their babies both times i was pregnant.  I see their kids today and wonder what my babies would had looked like.   So needless to say I understand what you are feeling.  If you need to talk my email is ***@****.  I'm praying for you.  Anita

[mzzgirl]

No I understand how you feel...I was exactly the same way. I wasn't really sad either. I was pissed off at the universe for making me have another miscarriage..I felt like I'm a good person why is this happening to me. Your feeling disconnected is totally normal. Perhaps because of your first experience you were more guarded and didn't have as many expectations as with the first. I was like that, so when I had the 2nd miscarriage, I didn't feel how everyone was expecting me to feel..I was just angry. Nothing wrong with feeling how you are. Don't beat yourself up over it, we all feel different things, I don't think you should have to feel one certain way.

[depressed748]

I know how you feel because my misscarriage in Dec 07 happened after 8 years so I thought that it was my time but apprently God had other ideas. I thought that I could not get pregnant again and when it finally happened it was gone. I wanted my baby so bad so I do know how you feel. I just have to wait until God blesses me with that miracle so be strong.

[ovaz129]

No, I haven't lost hope.  I guess I just didn't accept that I was pregnant because I didn't want to be let down.  Obviously, I was let down again.  So, maybe this is why I just feel disconnected to this loss?  I just really don't know... I go back to my OB on Monday (tomorrow) and plan on telling her how I feel.  I am expecting her to say that "everyone deals with things differently", or "ohh... that's normal".  I just feel guilty for not feeling horrible about loosing another pregnancy.  I am just really pissed.  Sorry to be so blunt, but truely, I feel more angry than sad.  

[mzzgirl]

I'm sorry for your loss...I also had two miscarriages..one at 6 weeks and the other at 4 weeks..All hope is not lost. I'm 27 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby, 3 months after my last miscarriage. Most women go on to have healthy babies in their life. Think of it this way...your miscarriage was nature's way of telling you that this baby wasn't meant to be..it was your body's way of preventing something that would not be healthy..that is what my obgyn always used to tell me. I understand you feeling emotionless, but all hope is not lost. It will happen at the right time. I wish you the best.

[depressed748]

I am sorry for you lose....I went through two misscarriages one at five months and the other at 7 weeks. I wanted both of my babies but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Just try to get yourself back together and healthy, and then take one day at a time. It will happen for the both of us when the time is right. I am not sure why you are emotionless but I guess everyone reacts diffinitely. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers