Hormones or not? (venting)

[smjmekg]

As some of you know I'm in FL for my brother's wedding which is (thankfully!!!) this Saturday. I'm getting more and more irritated the closer it gets, not with my brother more my mom and the whole situation. My mom is making this big huge deal about everything, going crazy, and driving everyone crazy. What's really starting to get to me is how she keeps saying she wants everything right for "my son's wedding" and "my son's groom cake" and her son this and her son that...He's been handed everything on a silver platter and my mom doesn't care how much it costs, she's getting him whatever, and he doesn't even care about all of it that much. I couldn't tell you how many times she's asked him how he wants something and he says he doesn't care, he just wants to show up get it done and be through with it.

DH and I got married almost three years ago, in a courthouse. We were both in school for the Army still, and we were in AZ away from both sides of our family. We really wanted to do a ceremony when he got out of school (his was longer than mine), but I ended up pregnant with DS and he got stationed in Korea. SO now that we're back form Korea, we were thinking about it again, obviously not around my brother's wedding's timeframe, but sometime. I have always wanted to do the big wedding, white dress...all the stuff little girls dream about. BUT now that I've seen what my mom's been doing with my brother's wedding I really don't even want a ceremony at all. When DH and I got married, we didn't get much more than a congratulations from anyone, but my brother now has a kitchen full of whatever he needs, mostly supplied by my parents. DH and I have bought every piece of furniture, dish, silverware, bedding, you name an item in a house and we've bought it...with the exception of ONE set of five knives that we just got because we just bought a house.

My mom had the biggest fit and breakdown last weekend over the bridal shower, which she gave...she was a complete b*tch the next day because she had been "so busy" with the shower (in reality she went to one store the day before and got a bag of confetti and balloons). I reserved the location, ordered the cake, and helped her put together the games and gift bags...with my baby shower, it was planned way ahead of time, she gave it to me, and was thrown together last minute.

I guess my point to all this ranting and raving is that I don't get why my mom has been so obsessed with my brother's wedding to the point that I don't even want to do a ceremony because I don't feel like it would ever be how I want it to just because she's been so obsessed with my brother she's already told me she's happy I got married in a courthouse instead of doing a ceremony. She said she never wants to do this again. I know I shouldn't let my mom ruin the ceremony I've always wanted, BUT I really don't feel like I even want to anymore. I'm p*ssed off that my wedding, even if it wasn't with everyone there and how I wanted it, has been pushed to the side and forgotten, and that my mom has done more for her daughter-in-law than she has for her first grandchild. Am I just being jealous? Do I have a right to be mad? Of course I'm not saying any of this to anyone besides you ladies here because I don't want to ruin my brother's day or be arguing with my mom about it or anything.

[NicoleW09]

I know how you feel about the mom and brother thing. My brother has always been my mother's favorite, he's the oldest and I've never felt close to her.  At my wedding, my distant cousin had gotten married four months before, and she felt like she had to out-do my cousin. She felt that she had to give me the same wedding on a much smaller budget, which isn't what I wanted. I wanted a small wedding with close family and friends, and I wanted a dress and a small reception. This psychotic woman bought a freaking swan ice sculpture mold!!!! There was no room for a table with this stupid a$$ swan when she had invited so many people to MY wedding that they had to sit in chairs with no table and even stand up at my reception. She complained that my dad (theyre divorced) showed up late and left early. She was mad that the ribbon on my cake was a shade darker than it was supposed to be. She was annoyed that it took so long to take pictures. The list goes on and on. I got a wedding I didn't want because she felt she had something to prove. It was terrible. :( She never once asked me what I wanted, she just did what she wanted and told me to suck it up. For every birthday I've had, I have to share my cake with my aunt and grandma b/c our days are within a week of each other. My uncle and brother's birthdays fall the same, and they always get separate cakes b/c my brother, "the prince" can't share a cake. His birthday we end up at an expensive restaurant with a huge birthday cake he can't possibly eat within a week, and I get either a cupcake or a cake I have to share with a balloon and homecooked meal b/c she can't be bothered. In the end, I have to deal with it because I feel like confronting her about how I really feel would only cause more issues, and I want to avoid her psychotic drama as much as possible. This is the lady that threw her shoes at me when I moved out of her house a month before I got married. In the end, do what is going to make you happy and not worry about her. All you can do is learn from her mistakes and give your babies everything that you didn't have. Do your own thing and eventually she'll realize what she's missing out on.

[Spiket77]

I feel you on this. I'm the baby actually. I didn't get the treatment your brother did though. haha. My parents were in the throws of a nasty divorce when I got married. My sister had a huge wedding...the princess kind. That's not really my style but they really did it up for her. My brother had a big weeding too...which my parents financed because his wife's father had passed away. I'm not really  jealous of what they 'got' ...I was just more hurt that they couldn't get on board with our wedding. Too much of their own drama.

In the end, my husband and I financed our own wedding. It was so much fun and I didn't feel like I had to compromise with my parents at all. They just showed up. We rented a Summer Camp for an entire weekend and it was so much fun. Very inexpensive too.

I'm sorry your Mom is being this way. She is making it more about herself. I would look into doing your own thing and not worrying about her drama. Wear your big white dress, drink champagne, and toast to your happy marriage!

[Limonada]

I don't think it's fair....but as someone else said, every family has its dysfunctional side!!   I would just grin and bear until the wedding's over - as someone who had some drama at her wedding because of family members not trying to keep the peace, I can tell you that, despite how beautiful our day was, there's the slightest of shadows cast over it because of that drama....and you wouldn't want to be the cause or any bad memories for your brother or soon-to-be SIL.  So....I'd wait to speak more openly with your mom until after the wedding.

As for you not having a big ceremony and all of the hoopla of a wedding, Because you've already been married for 3 years and you're not exactly "newlyweds" anymore, I'd suggest a vow renewal when you've been married for 5 or 10 years.....or even just a reception (or just call it a party) to celebrate.  

[smjmekg]

I try to make subtle hints and comments about it because I don't want to come right out and say it because it would hurt her feelings. Yeah, it's her first grandchild, and I'm now pregnant with the second one.

[AnxiousGurl]

Well, isnt she dramatic! I would tell her how you feel....uppfront.
"Ma are you not happy for me, that I want to have a wedding, I know your tired and stressed out from baby bro's wedding but I thought you'd atleast act a lil happy for me." Something to let her know that your hurt... ANY mother should be happy for their child when they want to get married or even have a celebration for after the fact..... Is her first grandchild your son?  My bf's parents are planning a big christening celebration for my son, their first grandchild bc they are so excited they want to make it really special......My bf's mom definately favors her younger son over my BF and its wrong.....it really is,,of course she doesn't believe it or see it, but I certainly do..... Your mom is just messed upp.....or doesn't realize, idk?  I know my grandmother played favorites with her children for the longest time.....it took YEARS for her to wake up a little bit, but thats only since my mom's health has gotten worse.....and that shouldn't be the case......you should love and feel the same way about all your children unconditionally......but thats not always the case and it sux! but you can tell her how you feel........do you think she'd care to listen?

[smjmekg]

Thanks! My brother is the baby and I don't know if it's just that or what...we don't think my older sister will ever get married, and my mom has pretty much said she doesn't want to ever do anything with weddings again. It's not even like she's doing much. She showed up to the wedding shower, put up a few balloons, and put some confetti on the table, I was really the one who did most of it. I got the games ready and she helped with some of it, but I did most of the planning. She told everyone the date time and place, through e-mail. All she has to do with the wedding is show up, she ordered a groom's cake but it's being delivered with the wedding cake because it's from the same place. So really, she's not doing a lot but she's making such a big deal over it. I mean I've talked about ceremony plans for three years now, and I've seen her more excited about getting rain than she has been about me doing a ceremony...

[AnxiousGurl]

I think this comes with every family.....some sort of favoritism or what not, and it is so dysfunctional.....but your right you shouldn't let the way your mom makes you feel stop you from celebrating your life with your hubby, if I were you, I would tell her that your THINKING of planning a wedding, and then when you decide you want to do it you set it up all on your own..... I would even pick out the location and decorations and everything without her and tell her that you picked everything out AFTER the fact, and tell her when it will be, of course she can be apart of the wedding, but she doesn't HAVE to be apart of the planning. I think it's normal to be jealous, dont feel bad for that....just hang in there.....smile and get thru it and before you know it you'll be planning one of the most special times of your life..........goodluck! we;re here for youu:)