How bad is this? Advice please.

[windyMae]

I'm 23w4d and I still haven't told my daughter. She is five years old. I haven't told her yet because the situation is complicated, the father of the baby is not her dad and there is also the fact I know she'll tell her grandma and she will tell her son my ex. My ex husband is a crazy bi polar ***. We were married almost 10 years. Things got so bad I had to get a restraining order against him. The thing im worried about is if he finds out before the divorce papers are signed he will think I want the divorce more than him and try n use it as leverage to get half custody of our daughter 'not that he wants it for her he just thinks that would get him out of court ordered child support, and he also has nothing to do with her now' I know how dumb that is and I know it wouldnt go down that way, but I do know the way he thinks and it would just complicate and hold up the divorce.. Should I just say extra stress n complications be damned and tell my daughter anyway, or try in get the divorce done ASAP and hope it doesn't take really long? Ultimately my kid is the one who matters.. I just want to know if any of you think me telling her so late in the pregnancy would be bad for her? Sorry this is so long, and I hope it makes sense.. My brain is all scrambled right nows thanks to midterms.. Any advice is appreciated.

[windyMae]

Thank you all for your insight

[jwilliams81]

My husband filed papers himself in the county for his divorce everything took about 8 weeks. I would get on it ASAP skip a day of class if you need to. Your daughter should know before too much longer give her a chance to be excited

[Nayfly25]

Well if you do decide to tell her then just prepare yourself for the worst on his family's part...that way it should be no surprise. At least you know when she's with her grandma she is at least safe. Also I got to thinking, I'm almost positive when I filled out my divorce papers there was a question in there that asked if I was pregnant. Hopefully once you talk to legal aid you can have more clear answers. I hope all works out with your situation, and I'm sure once this passes your daughter will be super excited to be a big sister :-) congrats on your pregnancy!!!

[windyMae]

Thank you for your advice, and yes she still sees her grandmother on a regular basis ' her fathers mother' and she is just as crazy as her son, but her grandmother lives with her mother 'my daughters nana' I have never said anything bad about them to my daughter or her father for that matter. My daughter has been through so much already and I can't bring myself to take away her nana visits even though it usually kills me cause their whole family is nuts, but I do know she is safe when she visits and they do put on the kid gloves for her while she's there. To my daughter they are just her grandmothers..

[Nayfly25]

I live in Ohio, here, it takes forever it seems to get a divorce finalized. Like babyonboard said, if you are still married then they will make you put him on the birth certificate, at least it's like that in Ohio. I would get those papers filled ASAP! Unless you have a very quick judicial system where you live you may not even have your divorce finalized before the end of your pregnancy...it would be great if you could get the divorce thing settled then tell your daughter , but it seems like it would be too late to tell her then. Maybe you should focus on how you could tell her now, I'm just worried that 1 you would be almost to delivery point or 2 already delivered if you waited to tell her. It will help you in the end probably if you tell your daughter bc then it will allow you to share your excitement with her. Plus the more she's involved now, the better chances you have of her adjusting to another sibling well. Does your daughter still see her grandmother on a regular basis (her dads mom)?

[babyonboard24]

Once you talk to the legal aid i think you'll feel a lil better because they'll tell you all your options,an you can get the ball rolling on things.dont let all your stresses bury you,everything will work out in the end an you'll tell her when your ready.

[windyMae]

I'm not positve how long a divorce takes. I have the forms, and I need to go see legal aid so they can help me fill them out correctly. I do think I can request to have the waiting period waived, but not sure.. It's just a big mess n I'm stressed.. Im also a full time student at the local college here, so all this plus everything thing else going on in my life well, my plate is full.. I think maybe I'm also kinda chicken to tell her I don't know why I can't really describe it.. Thank you for your response. I forgot about the whole still married baby father legal drama..

[babyonboard24]

Im a ftm so i hope someone with kids can give you better imput. BUMPPPPPPP :-)

[babyonboard24]

How soon will the divorce papers be signed because you dont wanna wait till your about to pop to tell her,you'll wanna get her involved an use to the idea of a new baby i assume.on the other hand in the eye of the courts if your married an have another child with someone else its presumed the child is the husband so maybe he'll hurry up an sign so hes not on the hook esp since he doesnt wanna pay for his daughter anyways. Good luck!

[windyMae]

Bump please