OT: Don't know how to deal with DH's family.

[NicoleW09]

So basically my SIL & I have never got along. When DH and  started dating she had already married DH's brother and they had a child. We had started dating in Feb and everytime I saw SIL I told Dh how uncomfortable she made me bc she was always seeming to flirt with him. He said it was in my head and all that. Well SIL and DH's Brother were always fighting and screaming obscenities at each other, but getting on fb and saying how blessed they were to have each other (neurotic, much?). She would haul off and hit him in front of their daughter who was maybe 2 or 3 at the time icr. By October SIL was supposed to take their dd to the dr for constipation and my mother in law drove by their house to drop something off, but didn't call beforehand bc she was in a hurry. She pulled up to moving vans in their driveway and saw SIL and her family cleaning BIL out. She even took the food in the fridge and all of the silverware. MIL called her to ask what was going on and she said she was getting ready to take dd to the dr. MIL called BIL and he came home. She told him he was abusive and she didn't want to be with him.

A week later SIL has a new man an is locking dd out of her room in her apt so she can bd with her boyfriend. Did I mention the night before she left BIL she slept with him? Her leaving seemed to shock everyone but everytime I saw her she would tell me in front of DH's family that I should never marry bc divorces cost $800 when both parties agree to separate. WTH?!

DH's aunt died and SIL's bf went back to his wife so she came home in Feb and stopped the divorce. I tried hard to give her chance, but she kept rubbing me raw. She would bug me asking if BIL had slept with anyone while they were separated and all I could think was that after what she did to him, I hoped he had. She got hers...so he should have too (yeah, yeah I know it's wrong).

DH and I got married and after my m/c SIL and I got into a huge fight and so her DH steps in and calls my phone an cusses me like a yard dog. My DH just told me not to speak to either of them. Really? SIL started the entire thing and lied about what happened to her DH and yet no one wants to defend me? We didn't talk again for 6 months when I got pg with Lexi and needed the # to her OB. Then suddenly she acts like she's my bff and says she hasn't been on bc for 5 months an if an "accident" happens then it's okay. I went to my ultrasound at 18w and a few days later SIL's pregnant an she tells everyone she's 9 weeks and it's a boy (remember when I said neurotic?). Her BIL lost his job, they can't pay pills, and she tells my MIL that it was her first month off of bc an they couldn't afford it that month. Riiight. Naturally...I sorta went into my pregnancy wanting the attention to be on DH and I bc it's our first baby and it was supposed to be a happy time. She totally put a bitter taste in my mouth.

As you know Lexi will be 5 months in 9 days and she weighs 13lbs 12oz. Her birth weight was 7lbs even. She's 25.5" long. SIL's dd outed that SIL had been talking about Lexi an said she was ugly, couldn't be my DH's child, and that she was fat. I came unglued...DH didn't seem to care. Oh, maybe I should mention SIL is pleasantly plump and her 5yo DD is 100 pounds. But Lexi is fat and ugly. Maybe I shouldn't let her bother me, but from the time she got pregnant...she copied everything I did...everything I bought, she bought it. Now her baby is here and it has reflux too. Really? Maybe I should be like DH and not care...but I can't.

Her dd's bday party was today and DH went by himself bc I didn't want to be around her and my brother is staying with us since the tornadoes we had earlier in the week knocked out their power. I didn't wanna leave him alone in our apt bc I don't feel like that's being a good host to someone. So, she gets on fb an says, "I hate childish people! I dont care if you have issues with me but you could put that aside for like one second!!" Maybe I am being childish, but I have no desire to go to a party with my child where I feel like they're all sitting in a corner talking about my child. Personally I sorta wish she'd fall off a cliff. Idk how to deal with this bc everyone overlooks her heinous behavior and she gets away with everything. If I could punch her in the mouth...well...I would have MONTHS ago.

How do I deal with this? I'm trying to be the bigger person here, but the more she stirs the pot, the more agitated I get. It's hard for me to ignore it.

[Neisha82]

Speaking as a mom who has 3 girls ages 10, 11, and 12 yrs old, and a 3 yrs old son, and working in the public (hospital), I've learned very quickly how to read and deal with people individually.  Everyone do not fit into one category or another and they need to be treated as such.  I am a very busy person and do not have time to participate in games.  I give you a chance I will sit you aside and tell you what my issues are with you.  Usually I am very calm, quiet and polite about this.  It's only after I have done this and that person decides to continue with BS is when I will confront you with a more firm voice ( and yes I still believe in pulling someone to the side as I did with my MIL, FIL, and SIL).  They may have not like what I said to them, (which was nothing inappropriate, or unintelligent) but they did finally realize their boundaries, and kept to my wishes.  I do not care whether or not someone talks about me or do not like me, but you will not say or opinions in from of my children, because my girls are old enough to correct you and then tell me about it.  My children are very sweet, loyal, emotional, and passionate children (who also likes to listen for the sake of listening).  Once you say something about their parents or them, they no longer want to be anywhere around you.  So for my family to stay drama free I MOM and WIFE has set up the rules and regulations to limit me and my children from drama.  I have enough drama as is with 3 girls going into puberty.

As a I said before, Everyone and their situations are different.  Which is why you're gonna have to find your own way to deal with your in laws.  At this time of your life you need peace. Everyone finds peace in their own way and unfortunately, you will not be able to please everyone.  I hope you are to find a way to obtain that peace for you and Lexi.  Good luck with everything.

[mamaof4410]

WOW. Really some people just don't "grow" up.
This is me.. I would sit her down and tell her very politely that if she has a problem with you that is one thing but bringing up your DD and saying those things is not right. She's a child and has absolutely nothing to do with whatever has gone on between you and her. Leave it at that. Don't call her, take her off your friend's list on FB. Just leave it alone. I know thats hard when someone is talking negatively about you but really where is it getting you? No where but being mad all the time. '
DH ignores it because he's a guy. My DH does the same thing. I really don't communicate with my in-laws other than family events and get togethers. I don't have a problem with any of them but I feel it's easier to keep the peace if Im not around. My other SIL's are always together but me I stay at home. SO when they get drunk and act stupid I just get to hear about it. Stay away, best way to keep things light and drama free!!

[Neisha82]

You know what you will not be able to please everyone.  You seem to be a non-confrontational person.  Because your DH and his family knows this, they are going to continue to put you at a higher standard.  Unfortunately I think that it's going to come to a point to where you're gonna have to stand up for yourself and confront her.  The only reason why I say this is because I had to do the same thing.  My sister in law has a problem for me because my DH won't put her before me and our children.  This ....person is only 3 months older than me with 3 boys by different baby daddies married and divorce more times than I can count and we're only 28.  She needs to be surrounded by drama and run my house at the same time.  I had to set her , my MIL, and FIL, strait.  My DH wasn't happy about it, but it came to a point to where I told them that if you want to spend time with my DH it will be over their house and not mine.  As I told my DH, " you're priorty change when you have children and they are to come before everyone.  And you let your family openly talk about your children to you or any other social network, then do not get upset with me for defending my children.  It is not okay to let you family say anything they want to me.  I am not a door mat and I will not be disrespected by anyone.  If you don't like it, tough.  But it will not happen again."  I just got fed up with my DH not backing me up and I was fed up with his family disrespecting me.  I don't even let my children go over there unless I am dropping him off over there and the children are in the car.  I also make sure that the children always has other plans so that his family only my children through the car and speaks to them no more than five minutes at a time.  Life so far has been better for me so far which is good since I'm 11weeks pregnant and no they do not know I'm pregnant either.  

I'm not saying that you have to do what I did, just that you are not going to please everyone and in the end you need to do what right for you and Lexi.  After awhile children do pick up on adults feelings and emotions.  They also have a nack for hearing things at the wrong time and no child wants to hear anyone talk about there mom.  Whatever you do, don't wait too long.

[NicoleW09]

It is too much drama. I tried to give her a chance, I've tried til I'm blue in the face and I'm over it. DH and I keep arguing about it bc he thinks I'm just being moody and over reacting. But I'm over hearing about things she's said about me and my child. I want to cut ties, but DH and BIL are close and it seems like DH never backs me up on anything. He just stays out of it.

I'm trying not to start anything. I haven't said a word to her since I found out what she said and she calls me childish on fb when I've not done or said anything. At holidays idk what to do bc we all get together at DH's moms house. I told him Lexi and I wouldn't go and he got pissed at me. If I try to do what I feel is best for me and Lexi...either way someone is going to be hurt and mad at me.

[vmvnpv]

This is too much drama for me.  I would stop talking to both of them and MYOB.  Concentrate on your family and let them figure out their drama on their own.

[ketona31479]

I'm in sorta the same situation as you with my SIL and BIL but its More BIL *i think* than SIL. Anyways I just advoid them, I am never around. Seriously my MIL and GF-IL (grandfather in law) gave DH a Bday party last month and i didnt go because of SIL and BIL and DH KNOWS how i feel about them they talk about me everytime they have been around me (which has been twice in the past 5 years DH and i have been married) thay talk about me IN FRONT of me. last time they did it I was 5 months prego and VERY Hormonal, needless to say I came Unglued on them and so did DH. they havent called for DH to drink with them sense. personally I NEVER EVER want to have anything to do with them, but thats what I want....

Just do what you think is right for you and Lexi, people that talk about any child  doesnt deserve to be around or see them. its not good for either of you.

[JoyRenee]

Seriously - stop talking to them (SIL and BIL). It is unhealthy and a toxic environment. And you can't please everyone. Just cut ties.