OT: separation anxiety--how to deal?

[mom2ariana]

what is your method of dealing with separation anxiety?

i believe ariana is *starting* to get it. the other day i put her in the swing for a nap, and sat there in front of her talking and singing. then i *started* to leave the room (as in, i stood up) and she started crying. i sat back down and talked to her some more, and attempted to leave again. she cried even harder.

she's done this a few times now, and i think she may be starting to get a touch of that separation anxiety they get around her age. a friend of mine has a 1 year old that screams and cries everytime she leaves the room. she follows her EVERYWHERE. and if she even thinks about putting her down or letting someone else hold her, she regrets it. i'm the only other person olivia will let hold her while tiffany leaves the room... for some crazy reason.

how do i deal with the separation anxiety? i am sure as she gets a little bit older that it will only get worse; at least thats what im expecting. what is your method? i want to make it better. i dont want her to be miserable and crying 24/7, but im also not going to entertain these fits every time she has them.

what are your suggestions??

[Ashelen]

I would personally agree with Clysta...I'm not a huge fan of hand-smacking but I won't lie,I'm not perfect, I've done it before. But I would say if it's what you want to do, I would wait until closer to 2-3 years because then they can learn the connection between consequence and action. At this stage all they know is "I was playing, mommy hurt me, I'm scared"....because while, yes, we don't give credit to little ones as to how much they know and understand, they really DO only understand a certain amount. NO matter how smart your baby is, there's going to be a limit to how much she can comprehend, based on sheer math of the fact that she hasn't been here that long. So...past 2 years IMO. We did it with my daughter before then. Now that I'm older, wiser, and on baby #2...I wish I hadn't. There are a lot of mistakes I made with my daughter that I wish I hadn't done, and ones that I plan to correct with my son.....but from what I hear, this is entirely normal with baby #1.

Anyway sorry for the tangent. Past 2 years, if you want my honest advice on it, is what I would recommend...based on my experience. Before Kahlan was 2 and we slapped her hand for something, I always assumed "she understands, she's just being recalcitrant" but...as she got older I realized..."no, she really DIDN'T know...she's really just a baby on toddler legs". Until 2 years at the very least, that's really what they are, and even though they may walk and talk like an older kid..they're still babies in so many ways.

That's my 2 cents on it :-)

[mom2ariana]

oh no i hate when people don't babyproof their homes too.. i had an old post complaining about a friend of mine who didn't, it drove me nuts.. her response to me asking "what happens if he falls down the stairs" was "well then he'll never do it again" i was so mad. he could get seriously hurt falling down a flight of stairs!! at the time he was only 9/10 months old!!!! ridiculous.
i plan to babyproof soon. right now shes only army crawling and its easy for me to keep up with her. shes only really in one spot of our den. as soon as she crawls on her hands and knees (or pulls up which might happen cause she did it last night) ill babyproof things.

[30something13]

yep when they are able to understand "no" which is around 15-18 months of age

before that you say no but Distract, Distract, Distract and keep a clse eye out.

i do not believe in spanking, but i have smacked, in the hey sto way not that you hurt me way when they did something that would very bbad hurt them or someone else only. i did it right away too. under a year is learning but they do not have the capacity to know consequences, which is what a smack should be! So if done before your little one learns that all they learn is "mommy hurt me" and what they did is not in thier mind, and would not put two and two together! There are some kids that take longer then 18 months to understand this!!

If you yell they hear yelling, but then look for IE the cord and have no clue why you are yelling. There is nothing you can do but distract and baby safe the home and baby area. I can't stand when I see homes that aren't and they just smack the baby and then put it back in  the saame spot. Dumb people! Not that you will do this, just poped in my head.


At any age they can learn distraction or you can:) and then time out...

[Clysta]

I believe it should be done when the baby is of an age where they can grab things and knowingly understand stuff. When they're first starting to walk and grab stuff it might be too early because they're just grabbing for support. I think I was 2 or 3 when they started with me and I learned quite fast not to touch things on tables.

[mom2ariana]

thanks yall!!! when i said entertain her fits mainly i just meant run and scoop her up everytime she cries.
but as far as ariana having other people to bond with, i think she has really bonded with my mom & dad. we live with them and they babysit sometimes for us, so she recognizes them and is perfectly fine with them to replace me / DH. i think that will help in the longrun, so she will have someone that comforts her when i need to get out of the house or something like that.

also for those of you who spank, when did you start "slapping" your babies hand? i believe this needs to be done so that they know what they can and cannot get into, but how old should it start? i tend to lean along the lines of when they are mobile and playing with cords, matches, etc... what do yall think? and when i say slapping i dont mean hurting the baby i just mean making it known that they shouldn't be playing with that .. some of yall will completley disagree with this method, and thats okay, im mainly just asking those who believe in spanking what age the hand popping should begin.

[30something13]

LOVE how you wrote that about going to pee!!!! I laughed out loud! TO fuuny and I think we have all been there! If only you could be in your childs head when we talk like that to see waht they are thinking of us!!! hahaha love it:)

[tiredbuthappy]

How long it lasts depends on the child. I had many siblings, all but me very independent as little ones. I clung to Mom's legs until past 3. I was old enough to still have memories of crying hysterically for her. It's not that I didn't know she was coming back. I was just sad, couldn't cope. I was treated the same as my siblings, so it's not like anything she did or didn't do with me changed things.

my little ones started around ariana's age, and I handled it as 30something described. Peek-a-boos, talking from across the room, gradually from outside the room, etc... gradually got them used to the idea. I also dragged them along with me to most places in the home. Privacy went out the window when I had kids, but I suspect that's why they started to use the potty so early!! Both moved past it pretty quickly. They know that someone is always there for them. Plus, once they started crawling, they were able to crawl away from me, and naturally started to put more of a distance between me and them. This really helped them get used to it. Also, once she is mobile, she will be more able to entertain herself, which will help lessen the anxiety and dependency.
I know your friend's baby shows a lot of separation anxiety, but it's good that there is at least one other person she is willing to go to. You may want to work on having Ariana build a bond with someone other than mom or dad, as this can be a helpful step in the long run.

[bluegenie2003]

I know I'm basically saying the same thing, but I also agree that at this point she really needs reassurance.  I know there are a lot of theories on this, but I tend to agree with the one in which you will have a happier, more independent child if they KNOW you're going to be there. For the same reason, I dont' believe in the "cry it out" approach to sleeping. If you let her cry, then she's going to "learn" that you don't come when she needs you. If she knows that even when you leave the room, you always come back, then that would reduce the anxiety in the long run.

[JoyRenee]

I totally agree with the first commenter. Your little one needs reassurance during this critical time. They will NOT always be like this even though it seems as though they will. It is not coddling or spoiling to comfort and soothe a scared child. Imagine your only safety net or superhero leaving you in the middle of the unknown, in the dark, alone without any means of helping or defending yourself and it might give you an idea of what a young child thinks when their momma leaves. I use peek-a-boo with Zoë and talk to her as I leave but most of the time I just let her follow me or bring her with me. If I'm doing something she can't be around for I put up the safety gate and she plays where she can still see me but can't get into dangerous things.

[Ashelen]

Well separation anxiety actually peaks at a year so it's not all that uncommon for a 1-year-old to still have it, and very often it will be at it's worst before it starts to get better.

If she's crying because you're gone most likely she IS afraid, unless she's the sort of baby to cry to get whatever she wants. You have to base it on her personality. If she's not normally a cry-for-attention-and-to-get-what-I-want sort of baby, then you're going to want to move very carefully with teaching her about separation.

The more you're patient with her and reassure her in this stage, the more independent she will become because she will have the confidence instilled by reassuring her. That's not to say she doesn't need to learn to be apart from you, she does. Even my daughter who has rarely been away from me in the 2+ years of her life was taught that sometimes she's just going to have to be alone for a minute or two. I did that by doing exactly what 30something suggested. I would also slowly back away, smiling and making soothing gestures and saying "It's okay baby, I'm just going to pee. it's okay. you're fine, you're safe, nothing's wrong, I'll be right back" and as I was peeing I would soothe her verbally from the bathroom, then come back out and make no big deal about it "See you were just fine, you're such a big girl to be by yourself!"

And yeah once she started to walk she would just follow me into the rooms I was going into. But teaching her independence carefully is the key. you're not exactly "entertaining her fits" by reassuring her, but neither should you rush over and scoop her up every time she cries as you very well know :-). it's a fine line, one of many you'll start to walk as a mom. It's where you start to learn the balance between providing your child with her needs and spoiling..some parents never learn the line and go to one extreme or the other, but this is when the lesson starts and it really kicks into full gear at 1 year when they start to learn that they can manipulate you through their actions.

Just take it slowly. some kids don't get bad separation anxiety at all, it depends a lot on personality. my daughter had it for about a month..and then it was gone never to return, although I'm sure it will recur when she goes to school. Grey couldn't care less if I'm there or not, he's very mellow and independent. He's about to turn 6 months though so it's hard to say what the future will hold.

Just remember to take it easy on Ariana and that she doesn't know any better..give her a break for being little and scared, but don't be a pushover, and you'll be just fine :-).

[mom2ariana]

thanks! i have toys in the main two rooms i hang out in... i dont think she has it full blown yet. she just is starting to exhibit signs of it. idk about the walking thing though .. she hasn't crawled yet full blown.

the friend i have doesn't let her cry long. she very much entertains the fits and her daughter has had separation anxiety almost as long as ive known her. she's 1 year and still has it.

[30something13]

Playing peek a boo from around a corner and constently talking to her, leaving for a few secs at a time and working your way up and actually getting to do things while you are in the other room is a good thing while always talking to her. Once she crys say "Mommy is coming" everytime, so they remember that and when you are in another room and say it when they cry they will stop.

The thing about this is that they need reasureance, it is a processs of growing up and that REALLY need to know you are still there and they are OK. It is a phase and will last LONGER if you just let them cry every time and leave!!! I wore mine and you might want to keep a bouncer, playmat, bumbo or playpen in different rooms where she can be with you but you can still put her down. I even have one in the bathroom for when I am in there, my little ones go with me everywhere. They learn so much by watching wahtever you are doing! Putting clothes away, doing dishes, making the bed, getting dressed etc... As they become more independandt and mobile they will venture out away from you on there own, they will get comfortable in their own invironment. I suggest that you take her with you and just get through the phase, she is almost 8 months now right? She will be up and walking in just a short time! It is not entertaining a fit to do this! She is not throwing a fit but is really scared!!! Many studies ahve shown this and it is just a part of her growing up and learning more emotions!