Is my mother Abusing Me?

[Coocoon]

From my knowledge I am the only one who cleans if i am not there for a week the cat litter won't be scooped the kitchen won't be cleaned, there are flies going aorund everywhere. I was oce away from home for about 2 weeks and when I came back there was mold growing on the counter because she wouldn't throw away and old canalope. Sometimes there's no good food in the house so i skip meals or I'll eat ramen for a few days in a row. a few days ago she wanted me to do her laundry at about 11:30 at night and I agreed as it's summer vacation and i was probably going to stay up late anyway. At midnight I went down to the second floor to switch the laundry (we live in an apartment) but the laundry card wasn't working. I went up and told her so but she told me to keep trying and to keep going until i got it. I tried for another hour before I came up again and told her it wasn't working. I told her I wasn't going to do it anymore. She got angry and we fought for a while. She said I don;t know what she does for me. that to know what it was like to get knowcked up at 18, that i have it great, that I should be more grateful. During the day, she works so I am alone for hours at a time and sometimes she'll go out at night with her boyfriend or something. Sometimes she'll be arguing with him at 3 o' clock in the morning. I told her i was lonely during the day and she yelled that i wasn't alone all the time but i sid that i was, and she raised a fist as if to hit me but she didn't. This is the first time she raised a fist but it's not the first time we've argued like this. I might just be over reacting but she has been getting more and more unrasonable as time goes on and it scares me sometimes. My grandmom tells me that when I was younger she was the same with the neglect.

Does this count as neglect or abuse or something? Should I tell someone? Am i overreacting? Should i just forget the entire thing as a fluke that'll never happen again? I'm really confused.

[worried159]

I def think you should seek theropy. But it sounds like she wouldn't go. R you able to pack up and move on your own. If you can i would have a heart to heart talk with her and tell her that she is hurting you emotionally. You dont mind cleaning up a little but not to be her maid. I had my daughter when i was 17 and we dont have  the relationship i wish we did but my childhood wasnt the best so i make it a point for her not to grow up like i did. maybe take the time to try and save money and get out of there. If she wants to be real mean then call the health dept on her for poor living conditions for the animals

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Coocoon,

It’s tough to know if it will happen again, but if it does, you should be prepared to draw the line. If it were me, I’d suggest to mother that we talk. If that doesn’t work, I’d suggest the two of you go to a third party, perhaps a counselor, to sort out your disagreements. But if she gets worse and becomes violent, I’d get out of there, and quickly, especially if she or her own mother has any history of violence..

Here’s my reasoning: it's unclear what’s going on with her. She’s certainly strung out somehow, as demonstrated by her not taking care of the house to a minimum degree. Perhaps she’s drinking. If so, maybe more recently. Maybe she has an emotional illness that’s getting worse as she gets older and more bitter, perhaps centering on losing her youth to her pregnancy at 18. Maybe things are getting worse because her relationship with her boyfriend isn’t working.

The question is whether she’s stable or getting worse. It seems like the latter from what you say (I don’t understand the last sentence of your first paragraph). It may also be that as you get older and threaten to go off and have your own life, she feels abandoned, worsening the situation.

I’m concerned that you’re scared by her sometimes. Perhaps this is telling you something, about your need to protect yourself, both physically and emotionally. Make a plan as to what you’d do if it were necessary to leave. With luck, you’ll never have to act on it. But plans are good to have, “just in case.”

I don’t know how old you are, but if you’re 18 or so, maybe she’s jealous of your freedom compared to her own at that age. So don’t throw anything in her face. Just ask for, and quietly demand, respect that any human being would be given. With luck, she’ll realize that she needs to handle her stresses in a way that does not include dumping on you.

One final thing: as to your loneliness during the day, you’ll need to figure out how much of this is her problem, versus your having to branch out into the world more, and solve it on your own. Just make sure that if you do, you don’t repeat your mother’s teenage experience!


Sincerely,

Dr. P.

P. S. Get back to me if there’s more to discuss.