Aa
Marriage
Hi there I am new here, My question is I am no longer in love with my husband we have been married for 20 years, have 2 children one is a 17 yr old daughter, who is pregnant and is living with her boyfriend,going to get married soon and I also have an 8 year old son, my husband has deteriated in health in th last 5 years, he has problems with his back, nerve damage, he is on prescriptions to ease his pain and discomforts, he is depressesed and angry all the time, he does have some good days though. I find that I cannot deal with it anymore, I've suggested counciling,but he says I need it , not him, he thinks i have a problem. My son and daughter don't get along with him well, they have told me that he is to angry all the time, could you please help with suggestions. thank you
ok thank you for your input Regards Sandy
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Sandy,
I think that's a question for you and your therapist to discuss in advance. It may make sense to defuse the situation immediately by having the kids in, or, conversely, to develop and plan strategy concerning all family members, beforehand. That includes the question about taking them/him to a child therapist.
Sincerely,
Dr.P.
I think that's a question for you and your therapist to discuss in advance. It may make sense to defuse the situation immediately by having the kids in, or, conversely, to develop and plan strategy concerning all family members, beforehand. That includes the question about taking them/him to a child therapist.
Sincerely,
Dr.P.
should I take my kids with me to my therapist, or should I go by myself, my son is 8 and my daughter is 17, my son is really mad about this, or should I take him to A child, Therapist. My daughter doesn't live with me anymore she is with her fiance.
Regards Sandy
Regards Sandy
Iwant to thank you for everything, can't wait to see my therapist, looking forward to it, I will let you know what happens in a couple of weeks.In the meantime I will do what I can for now I WILL SURVIVE through this, with all the support from everyone on here Regards Sandy
wow you go girl. you have a Dr. giving you some great advise in this column.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Netgal,
I understand that all of this is very painful. I’m delighted that you are getting help for yourself. You very much need this, for support, for strategizing, and for specific tactics. This is work for your therapist, so I won’t go into details. He or she will be much better able to do this, knowing you better and in person. I’ll just make a few comments.
It may be better to deal with your husband on the basis of his pain, whether or not that’s the cause of his depression and anger. Certainly, chronic pain can cause these! My reasoning is that some people, men especially, may feel more weakened than strengthened by dealing with feelings overtly.
Importantly, talking with him in these terms will help you put emotional distance between your own anger at him and his at the whole world. I think you probably need to educate your kids about this tack, as well. Deal with him as an impaired person, as if you were a professional nurse or doctor. These folks survive and flourish by keeping this piece of distance. To do so doesn’t mean you’re a bad wife, or a bad person. And take the good moments with him for what they are. Just don’t expect them to continue. And let your husband know that you know his crummy behavior is from the pain. You won’t hold it against him, but you won’t succumb to it, either.
2. Does he need a new doctor? A fresh meds consult? Anything except using you as a doormat.
3. You need a very empathic therapist, the opposite of what you’re getting at home. Also, don’t limit yourself to support. Work with your therapist to develop strategies for ALL the family problems. The idea is for you to deal with things well, but make sure you don’t get ground up or used up in the process. That doesn’t help anyone.
4. If it’s gotten to the point of you becoming depressed and/or dysfunctional yourself, consider some short-term medication.
That’s all I have for now. Let me know if there’s anything more to consider. Otherwise, best luck with husband and therapist.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
I understand that all of this is very painful. I’m delighted that you are getting help for yourself. You very much need this, for support, for strategizing, and for specific tactics. This is work for your therapist, so I won’t go into details. He or she will be much better able to do this, knowing you better and in person. I’ll just make a few comments.
It may be better to deal with your husband on the basis of his pain, whether or not that’s the cause of his depression and anger. Certainly, chronic pain can cause these! My reasoning is that some people, men especially, may feel more weakened than strengthened by dealing with feelings overtly.
Importantly, talking with him in these terms will help you put emotional distance between your own anger at him and his at the whole world. I think you probably need to educate your kids about this tack, as well. Deal with him as an impaired person, as if you were a professional nurse or doctor. These folks survive and flourish by keeping this piece of distance. To do so doesn’t mean you’re a bad wife, or a bad person. And take the good moments with him for what they are. Just don’t expect them to continue. And let your husband know that you know his crummy behavior is from the pain. You won’t hold it against him, but you won’t succumb to it, either.
2. Does he need a new doctor? A fresh meds consult? Anything except using you as a doormat.
3. You need a very empathic therapist, the opposite of what you’re getting at home. Also, don’t limit yourself to support. Work with your therapist to develop strategies for ALL the family problems. The idea is for you to deal with things well, but make sure you don’t get ground up or used up in the process. That doesn’t help anyone.
4. If it’s gotten to the point of you becoming depressed and/or dysfunctional yourself, consider some short-term medication.
That’s all I have for now. Let me know if there’s anything more to consider. Otherwise, best luck with husband and therapist.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
I just don't know what to do anymore,I am going to get help for myself, My husband has got really bad depression also all this on me is hard on me and my family,I have actually left my job because of all of this, can't think straight anymore, so I have taken time off of work to see if I can take care of this. I am there for him when I can be, but it is hard to support him if he is angry or depressed what can I do help
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Netgal,
I see you've been talking to the community through this expert forum. Let me know if you need more input.
--Dr. P.
I see you've been talking to the community through this expert forum. Let me know if you need more input.
--Dr. P.
thank you for the advice, I will try that,appreciate your concern, I will let u know how its going. Regards Sandy
I think the anger is from the pain he is in constantly. Maybe you sould try some couseling for yourself and you son it might help giving you some ideas on how to handle to situation better. Maybe join a group of others that are in the same situation as you and your family. I hate to see you throw away 20 years. I see your son is 8 i know that i was in the same situation when my son was 12. I left his dad but he would not go with me. it has taked over 10years for him to even talk to me. Honestly it was the biggest mistake i ever mad in my life was to leave. the grass is not always greener. So maybe before you make your decision you could talk to your kids and see where they stand? just a thought.Good luck with your decision
angie
angie
Thank you for the info I could give it a try, to see if it works , I will keep you informed thanks again, got plans to go out camping in a week,maybe that will help . Regards Sandy
well, if u not in love with him, thats no point u bein in the relationship i mean u married thats kinda hard because is a lot responsibilities, but in same time when u not in love with the person is hard to go on every day trust me i know, i never been married though but i been in love and at some point ive thought i rather be with someone that i am in love with and love me back for who i am then bein misirable all the time, but i suggest you maybe try and work it out,ya both go on vocation for a while maybe u feel love again,
i hope i help-
i hope i help-
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