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My family doesn't approve of my relationship! Help!
Hello, I have written on this board, and have gotten great advice that has REALLY helped my relationship. However, I do have another BIG hurdle that's causing me some anxiety. My family does not support my relationship with my partner. I am a 28 year old female, and he's a 31 year old male. He has NEVER disrespected any of my family members in the least, he's always gone to family functions and been present 99.9% of the time where my family is concerned! He treats me like gold, and I love him to death and want to marry him. Here's my issue, my parents have no basis for not liking him! Neither does my brother and his girlfriend. They all view him as this guy that just somehow isn't the guy for me, therefore they all SHUT DOWN on my whenever I bring him up in conversation, and then tension runs EXTREMELY high whenever he's around. They all could be chirping like birds to one another, and if I bring up my boyfriend everyone stops talking and either doesn't acknowledge what I said, or they answer with 1-2 word responses. I've explained to my family that it hurts my feelings, and that it's disrespecting me by behaving that way. And they just reply with "you can't force us to like him just because you're dating him." or "I don't want to talk about him." It hurts me so bad, and sometimes feel that it brings on minor depression with him. I live at home so there's no escaping it! I DO NOT want to end my relationship just because my family thinks I could do better, but I DO need to know how to handle this so that I can move past this all! How should I handle this? What is the right thing for me to do where my family is concerned, because I feel the way they react to him/my relationship is terrible. I just want to be 100% happy and comfortable with my man, and know exactly how to deal with my family in a healthy manner! I hate all of this, and I feel that no matter how many times I've told them how I feel they just don't care. It just worries me that this won't ever end!
My family is very critical of people outside of my family. Come to think of it, they are also critical of people that are a PART of my family. Both nuclear and extended. They said that my partner's soft-spoken nature comes off as too passive and wimpy. And his recent short-sale of his condo (that he purchased with his ex-fiance) is a sign that he's not financially responsible. I don't feel that their judgements are just, I feel that my family is way too hard on people and doesn't give people a chance. "Just different" translates to them that he uses different word choices than most would (he's very well-spoken, and speaks in an educated manner), that he's too easy going (not able to stick up for me/or himself), and that he's not gruff like men SHOULD be like (he seems like a bit of a wimp, too soft around the edges).
Now, my boyfriend is very rational with things he chooses to confront. He doesn't go around making waves, picking fights, or being confrontational over every little thing that happens. He feels that my family has their opinion about him, and that he's confident in who he is and that (to him) that's enough. He says that he doesn't have to prove or disprove himself to my family in order to straighten out their critical judgments. He likes who he is, and so do I. He also says that their judgments are terrible because there hasn't been a situation that has rised where he's had to stick up for himself or me, and that their opinion about his selling his condo is none of their business, and that they know nothing about the situation to even begin to pass judgment (which is true). My friends all have very positive things to say about him, and these are friends that I've known for 20+ years, and all whom are very open and honest. The only thing that has been said about him is that he has a quieter nature than me, but that it's not a negative thing. My friends all REALLY enjoy my boyfriend's company, and say that I have a really great guy in my life. My friends have also said (and this is without me asking), that my family is overly critical of people and that they should look into their issues.
My family always has something negative to say about people, and they're always judging people's choices, lifestyles, character, and spouses. I just hate that when I bring up his name, they act like I'm talking about something inappropriate. Or their whole demeanor/energy shifts from positive to negative/numb. It makes me feel bad when I want to share some really exciting news about my relationship or when I want to just plainly contribute to a conversation. I feel like they punish me all the time by constantly showing their distaste in my choice as a partner. It makes me feel like a stranger in my own house, and it makes me not want to be a part of any functions that go on. I honestly don't really like my family all that much, and I distance myself from them a lot. I've never had a real relationship with my brother (he doesn't have any interest in me), and my mother has been critical of me and my life as far back as I can remember. My dad is the only person I relate to and open up to, and he's the only one that treats my boyfriend with respect and asks about him from time to time.
I personally don't feel that I'm choosing my partner to rebel or differentiate. I truly am drawn to his kind, moral nature because I feel that I'm just like him. I've never identified with the dynamics of my family, and I've always felt somewhat like an outsider. My family is very negative and critical (of each other and others alike) and I've NEVER identified with that. I feel that my partner values the same life philosophy and it's wonderful.....I just wish my family could accept that, and see that I'm happy! What can I do to move past their disapproval? What can I do that'll help myself out when they're treating me differently because of my partner choice? I live at home, and I hate it. I am so much happier when I'm out of my house, and when I'm out with my friends and partner. I feel like a negative, depressed person when I'm in my household.
Now, my boyfriend is very rational with things he chooses to confront. He doesn't go around making waves, picking fights, or being confrontational over every little thing that happens. He feels that my family has their opinion about him, and that he's confident in who he is and that (to him) that's enough. He says that he doesn't have to prove or disprove himself to my family in order to straighten out their critical judgments. He likes who he is, and so do I. He also says that their judgments are terrible because there hasn't been a situation that has rised where he's had to stick up for himself or me, and that their opinion about his selling his condo is none of their business, and that they know nothing about the situation to even begin to pass judgment (which is true). My friends all have very positive things to say about him, and these are friends that I've known for 20+ years, and all whom are very open and honest. The only thing that has been said about him is that he has a quieter nature than me, but that it's not a negative thing. My friends all REALLY enjoy my boyfriend's company, and say that I have a really great guy in my life. My friends have also said (and this is without me asking), that my family is overly critical of people and that they should look into their issues.
My family always has something negative to say about people, and they're always judging people's choices, lifestyles, character, and spouses. I just hate that when I bring up his name, they act like I'm talking about something inappropriate. Or their whole demeanor/energy shifts from positive to negative/numb. It makes me feel bad when I want to share some really exciting news about my relationship or when I want to just plainly contribute to a conversation. I feel like they punish me all the time by constantly showing their distaste in my choice as a partner. It makes me feel like a stranger in my own house, and it makes me not want to be a part of any functions that go on. I honestly don't really like my family all that much, and I distance myself from them a lot. I've never had a real relationship with my brother (he doesn't have any interest in me), and my mother has been critical of me and my life as far back as I can remember. My dad is the only person I relate to and open up to, and he's the only one that treats my boyfriend with respect and asks about him from time to time.
I personally don't feel that I'm choosing my partner to rebel or differentiate. I truly am drawn to his kind, moral nature because I feel that I'm just like him. I've never identified with the dynamics of my family, and I've always felt somewhat like an outsider. My family is very negative and critical (of each other and others alike) and I've NEVER identified with that. I feel that my partner values the same life philosophy and it's wonderful.....I just wish my family could accept that, and see that I'm happy! What can I do to move past their disapproval? What can I do that'll help myself out when they're treating me differently because of my partner choice? I live at home, and I hate it. I am so much happier when I'm out of my house, and when I'm out with my friends and partner. I feel like a negative, depressed person when I'm in my household.
Dear Curious,
Frankly, what this boils down to is whether they're seeing something in the guy that you're not. I don't know him, and you have your understandable bias.
What I'd do is to test out your brother's "bit more crude" comment. Maybe it was just that, and maybe he really sees something you're missing. Perhaps he'd be willing to sit down with you and spell out his concerns, especially if he senses that you'll really listen and not just get defensive and nay-saying. Does "soft-spoken" code for passive, afraid, wimpy, etc.? Does "little boy" code for childish in a bad sense? What does "just different" really mean? What about "un-manly"? "Loser"?
If he won't deal, I would urge you to get feedback from mutual friends who know your man. You'll have to convince them to speak straight with you, as friends, especially female ones, are loathe to say anything negative, lest they lose the relationship with you. Nevertheless, straight feedback is critical in this case. And remember, friends will almost always tone down the criticism: "a little" means a fair amount; "pretty much" means "a lot" in friendspeak.
The family may of course be utterly wrong. This would especially be the case if they were normally a bunch of screamers; or usually very critical of people outside the family.
On your side, be aware that sometimes people choose, and marry, THE OPPOSITE of what their family of origin is like, to differentiate themselves, or to rebel.
Sometimes, this works for a lifetime. However, often in the long run it doesn't, and the person winds up with a nagging wish that they had chosen someone more like what they're used to, for the long run.
Cordially,
Dr. P.
Frankly, what this boils down to is whether they're seeing something in the guy that you're not. I don't know him, and you have your understandable bias.
What I'd do is to test out your brother's "bit more crude" comment. Maybe it was just that, and maybe he really sees something you're missing. Perhaps he'd be willing to sit down with you and spell out his concerns, especially if he senses that you'll really listen and not just get defensive and nay-saying. Does "soft-spoken" code for passive, afraid, wimpy, etc.? Does "little boy" code for childish in a bad sense? What does "just different" really mean? What about "un-manly"? "Loser"?
If he won't deal, I would urge you to get feedback from mutual friends who know your man. You'll have to convince them to speak straight with you, as friends, especially female ones, are loathe to say anything negative, lest they lose the relationship with you. Nevertheless, straight feedback is critical in this case. And remember, friends will almost always tone down the criticism: "a little" means a fair amount; "pretty much" means "a lot" in friendspeak.
The family may of course be utterly wrong. This would especially be the case if they were normally a bunch of screamers; or usually very critical of people outside the family.
On your side, be aware that sometimes people choose, and marry, THE OPPOSITE of what their family of origin is like, to differentiate themselves, or to rebel.
Sometimes, this works for a lifetime. However, often in the long run it doesn't, and the person winds up with a nagging wish that they had chosen someone more like what they're used to, for the long run.
Cordially,
Dr. P.
Hi Dr. P...
Thank you for your response, I took your advice and calmly sat down and talked with them. I didn't feel like their reasons are valid after speaking with them...what do you think?:
Here are their reasons for not approving of this relationship:
1. He's soft spoken and quiet, doesn't seem to be "like the family."
2. They see my "trying too hard" for the relationship (driving to his place, staying at his place...which is I feel is normal...we share the driving)
3. He went through a short sale with his condo that he purchased with a previous fiance...the mortgage was way more than he could afford. They feel he's financially irresponsible, when I feel by selling it he's doing the financially sound thing by getting rid of something he can't afford.
4. Because he's soft spoken, they don't see him emulating "strong manly qualities" that they say I need out of a man.
5. They say he's "just different," and can't explain what that means.
6. My brother was bit more crude and said, "He's a soft spoken little boy."
I explained to them that he's done nothing but nice things for me and my family, and that he's not all of those things that they're speaking about, and that they should get to know him. The only thing he IS out of all of those things is just that at times he can be a bit quiet, and my family is extremely loud. I think they don't like him because his personality doesn't "gel" perfectly with my family's personality! I do live at home, and there have been times in my relationship with him that we've argued or had a disagreement...and my Mom admitted to me that she listens to my conversations through my bedroom door! No privacy. All couples have arguements and disagreements! My relationship is no different!
I just feel at this point there's no giving with them, and I'm afraid of what that will spell out for my future with him (weddings, children, holidays....). I don't want there to be any unnecessary awkwardness! They think he's "different," and that "there are plenty of other men out there." So in essence, they feel he's strange, wrong for me, and a bit of a loser...when he's everything BUT all of those things. I've tried talking to my family about it, but I'm really at a loss. What do you think after this new info?
Thank you for your response, I took your advice and calmly sat down and talked with them. I didn't feel like their reasons are valid after speaking with them...what do you think?:
Here are their reasons for not approving of this relationship:
1. He's soft spoken and quiet, doesn't seem to be "like the family."
2. They see my "trying too hard" for the relationship (driving to his place, staying at his place...which is I feel is normal...we share the driving)
3. He went through a short sale with his condo that he purchased with a previous fiance...the mortgage was way more than he could afford. They feel he's financially irresponsible, when I feel by selling it he's doing the financially sound thing by getting rid of something he can't afford.
4. Because he's soft spoken, they don't see him emulating "strong manly qualities" that they say I need out of a man.
5. They say he's "just different," and can't explain what that means.
6. My brother was bit more crude and said, "He's a soft spoken little boy."
I explained to them that he's done nothing but nice things for me and my family, and that he's not all of those things that they're speaking about, and that they should get to know him. The only thing he IS out of all of those things is just that at times he can be a bit quiet, and my family is extremely loud. I think they don't like him because his personality doesn't "gel" perfectly with my family's personality! I do live at home, and there have been times in my relationship with him that we've argued or had a disagreement...and my Mom admitted to me that she listens to my conversations through my bedroom door! No privacy. All couples have arguements and disagreements! My relationship is no different!
I just feel at this point there's no giving with them, and I'm afraid of what that will spell out for my future with him (weddings, children, holidays....). I don't want there to be any unnecessary awkwardness! They think he's "different," and that "there are plenty of other men out there." So in essence, they feel he's strange, wrong for me, and a bit of a loser...when he's everything BUT all of those things. I've tried talking to my family about it, but I'm really at a loss. What do you think after this new info?
Dear Curious,
Good to speak with you again.
I think there are a number or strategic tacks we can take. However, we don't know what direction to go in until we know more about what's going on.
Your family shuts down. We don't know why. So the first thing is to quietly ask your family what their objection is to your man. Do they think he's strange? Ill? Wrong or bad for you? A loser? Something else? You don't know until they tell you. IF and when they tell you, we can assess the validity of what they're saying. Sometimes families will be negative if they feel a family member is threatened.
You'll have to communicate to them, in a quiet way, that you really want to know their objection. What do they see that you don't? Tell them you value their opinion. If they refuse, tell them you can't respond sensibly unless you know what their problem with your boyfriend is.
If they STILL refuse, we know that there's something more odd with THEM going on. What could that be? A longstanding grudge? Scapegoating within the family? Fear of you growing up and moving out? Something else we can't imagine right now? You'll need to back off (not get angry at them, cry and yell, etc) and assess what they're doing that's irrational. If it's something totally "off the charts" we'll have to consider the next move.
So: I understand you want to "handle" the situation, but first we need to find out what that situation really is. And we won't know till we know!
Cordially,
Dr. P
Good to speak with you again.
I think there are a number or strategic tacks we can take. However, we don't know what direction to go in until we know more about what's going on.
Your family shuts down. We don't know why. So the first thing is to quietly ask your family what their objection is to your man. Do they think he's strange? Ill? Wrong or bad for you? A loser? Something else? You don't know until they tell you. IF and when they tell you, we can assess the validity of what they're saying. Sometimes families will be negative if they feel a family member is threatened.
You'll have to communicate to them, in a quiet way, that you really want to know their objection. What do they see that you don't? Tell them you value their opinion. If they refuse, tell them you can't respond sensibly unless you know what their problem with your boyfriend is.
If they STILL refuse, we know that there's something more odd with THEM going on. What could that be? A longstanding grudge? Scapegoating within the family? Fear of you growing up and moving out? Something else we can't imagine right now? You'll need to back off (not get angry at them, cry and yell, etc) and assess what they're doing that's irrational. If it's something totally "off the charts" we'll have to consider the next move.
So: I understand you want to "handle" the situation, but first we need to find out what that situation really is. And we won't know till we know!
Cordially,
Dr. P
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