Need a second opinion

[raniol]

I'm a 31 year old heterosexual male who has had a long dark relationship history.  I'm a recovering sex addict who has been married 3 times and always has to be in a relationship.  I just attended my first sex addict’s anonymous meeting.  I'm seeing a therapist once a week for this and among other things, and she seems to think I have a form of Attachment Disorder.  I'm currently in a relationship again, but I know that I shouldn't be in this and that I need to learn to be alone and love myself.  I'm so petrified of being alone though.  

Basically, I'm confused and would like to know if this is truly Attachment Disorder or something else?...Love addiction, co-dependency, ...etc...

My pattern is to go from one relationship to another, and I think I'm in love with the person, and never truly end up being in love with them, and then resort to destructive habits such as infidelity, drinking, lies, etc...

It's finally caught up with me and I'm starting to grow a conscience...It's time to change.

Any insight would be great.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Raniol,

I second the motion of the people in the community forum. Nice going on owning your issues, if you truly have. You apparently can see that going from one “loving” relationship to another suggests that you don't really know what a true attachment feels like. That's a big deal. Now, with enough work and a really good  therapist, it's only a matter of time before you're healthy. The addict meetings may help as well.

I also agree that this isn't a great time to get re-involved. There'll be lots of time for that. I wouldn't try to drive the car while it's up on the lift!

If you already are in a relationship, it's only fair to let the other person know about your problems. Maybe it will work, but if it doesn't, you won't feel like you've been deceptive again, and the woman won't feel ripped off.

The attachment disorder thing is problematic. In psychiatry these days, there's always a flavor of the month. Ten years ago it was borderline personality; five years ago it was ADD. Now attachment disorder. Notice in the definitions given, e.g. on the Wikipedia entry) that it encompasses many issues and behaviors. That's the mark of what I call a “garbage-can diagnosis.” it's not that it’s necessarily wrong or useless; it’s just that it’s over-inclusive. It could apply, in whole or in part, to so many people, only a few of which have the "pure" version of the problem and etiology.

So I wouldn't worry about the label. Instead, I'd put my energy into working the personal issues. After the fact the diagnosis becomes clear. That was certainly my personal experience, way back when.

Of course I hope you and your therapist are looking very hard and long at your early history, especially around attachment issues, and trying to see what went on. But even if you don't come up with much (unlikely) there'll be a lot to look at in that area, from more modern times. Often we can reconstruct the early years from the recent behavioral evidence, with a sense of validity, even if the data is inferential.

Just taking a flyer here: if I were working with you, I’d ask you to try to discover what's behind the fear of BOTH being alone AND being in a stable relationship. Obviously, both situations scare the stuffings out of you, but at this point  you're not sure why. When you're feeling the fears, what kind of words come to describe WHAT THE FEAR IS TELLING YOU; what kind of images come; what kind of dreams? WHAT COULD HAPPEN?

In any case, the message is to stay with it, and leverage the work you've done so far.  Absolutely refuse to sleaze out of any psychological work, or any straightforward involvement with another person. Do your therapy more seriously than you've ever seen anyone do it, more seriously than you've ever done anything in your life.

Like riding the rapids, you've got to ride the tough part, but afterwards, the river will be really sweet!

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[Richard4356]

Go for it, Ryan! I KNOW you can do the work and the learning. And you'll be the better man for it.

Regards,

Dr. P.

[raniol]

Thank you for the valuable insight.  I will definitely take those recommendations to heart and keep trying to make progress one day at a time.  :)

Once again, thank you for taking the time to respond back.

-Ryan

[raniol]

I have definitely gotten some good insight from the community board, but would still like your opinion from a medical standpoint if you don't mind.

Thanks,
R

[Richard4356]

Dear Raniol,

I see you've posted this email on the community board as well as mine. If you still need me after your community posting gets its responses, let me know.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.