Aa
Need some advice, PLEASE
I have been dating this guy for about 2 months. He is a good guy. He is great with my daughter. But for the past week, I have been calling him a lot, but he really does not call me. Yesterday, we got into an argument over something stupid (it was stupid to me) Lately, we have been arguing a lot. I must be honest that i have trust issues and has made some accusations when he does not call or answer his phone. I just want him to be up front with me. When I ask him what the problem was, why doesn't he call me like he used to, he just says, because your at work and so on, but he used to call me at work all on my cell all the time.
Last night, he told me that he was not happy. I am trying to hold on and work it out because I feel he is a good guy. But it seems like it is over. He does like seeing me everyday, but I feel like it is over. I am a good person, but I do have some baggage from the past. He also has some controlling issues (I think, I am still trying to figure this out). I really do like him a lot.
Should I leave it alone and move on? Or should I stay and see how it goes? In my hearts of hearts, I know that I really am not ready for a relationship, but I do want someone in my life. Is this relationship already destroyed? Or do you think that it is possible to redeem it? I would appreciate sincere advice.
Last night, he told me that he was not happy. I am trying to hold on and work it out because I feel he is a good guy. But it seems like it is over. He does like seeing me everyday, but I feel like it is over. I am a good person, but I do have some baggage from the past. He also has some controlling issues (I think, I am still trying to figure this out). I really do like him a lot.
Should I leave it alone and move on? Or should I stay and see how it goes? In my hearts of hearts, I know that I really am not ready for a relationship, but I do want someone in my life. Is this relationship already destroyed? Or do you think that it is possible to redeem it? I would appreciate sincere advice.
Dear Key,
Ok. Your man is no longer in the picture. So we’re talking about your problem more as a general issue.
Notice that you say you don’t know where your issue with trust came from, and then shortly thereafter you tell me that your dad wasn’t around (I don’t buy the idea that he was irrelevant) and that your mother calls you dumb and stupid, is very judgmental, and is someone you can’t talk to. You really don’t know??
I’ll lay you odds you then went on to select someone for a relationship (and a child!) and then the recent boyfriend, that repeated that pattern. We all do it, quite unconsciously, FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL REPEAT THE PERSONALITIES AND/OR KEY UNRESOLVED ISSUES OF OUR LIVES. Why? It’s the mind’s attempt to work free, just like a splinter in your finger.
You’re probably right about not being ready for a relationship. You probably haven’t healed yet.
There are SOME good guys. But you have to be ready for them, and be “good” (ready for a trusting relationship) yourself, or they won’t appear.
So what to do?
It’s going to take some time, but the more you work at it, the quicker you’ll be in a good place.
My first suggestion is that you get into a therapy relationship with an experienced, warm, female therapist. It’s pretty obvious why. You really do need to see what a trustworthy person, preferably a woman but a man is ok too) is like. And what it’s like to share your experience and feelings. With this work, you’ll also find your sense of worth becoming restored. The people referred to in your emails have clearly left you thinking of yourself as not very valuable.
The second idea is useless without the first. It concerns judging who is a good guy, and who is not. For a while into the future, your ability to make good evaluations about such matters will be compromised, because of your experiences. I suggest you take a look at my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com. There I spell out the different areas you need to look at in particular, in order to not get blindsided by ANYONE. And how to do this work. One of those is your own personal blind spots, as above. But there are others. Cover the several of them and the odds are that you’ll increase your ability to find good people, many-fold.
Also, be careful in your choices (including friends; I haven’t forgotten the bath girl). Folks of your description understandably look to stay safe in relationships. But this sometimes leads them to find men who are utterly rejectable, so that they can keep them at a distance, wimpy men who they can dominate (you’d get that model from your mother), or men whose habit it was to disappear. Good relationships are relationships are stable, and on an equal footing. That will take work in your therapy, good judgments, and careful experience to put into play.
You’re hurting, and I feel for you. But, I urge you to get going on something close to the above plan NOW, while you’re young and strong. Please resist the temptation to lick your wounds for the next several years, and avoid the work mentioned. It’s easy to do, especially with a child who needs your attention. Kids can be a convenient means of avoidance. And avoidance is a highway to nowhere.
Go for it, and I’d lay you BIG odds that you’ll come out of this just fine.
All best,
Ok. Your man is no longer in the picture. So we’re talking about your problem more as a general issue.
Notice that you say you don’t know where your issue with trust came from, and then shortly thereafter you tell me that your dad wasn’t around (I don’t buy the idea that he was irrelevant) and that your mother calls you dumb and stupid, is very judgmental, and is someone you can’t talk to. You really don’t know??
I’ll lay you odds you then went on to select someone for a relationship (and a child!) and then the recent boyfriend, that repeated that pattern. We all do it, quite unconsciously, FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL REPEAT THE PERSONALITIES AND/OR KEY UNRESOLVED ISSUES OF OUR LIVES. Why? It’s the mind’s attempt to work free, just like a splinter in your finger.
You’re probably right about not being ready for a relationship. You probably haven’t healed yet.
There are SOME good guys. But you have to be ready for them, and be “good” (ready for a trusting relationship) yourself, or they won’t appear.
So what to do?
It’s going to take some time, but the more you work at it, the quicker you’ll be in a good place.
My first suggestion is that you get into a therapy relationship with an experienced, warm, female therapist. It’s pretty obvious why. You really do need to see what a trustworthy person, preferably a woman but a man is ok too) is like. And what it’s like to share your experience and feelings. With this work, you’ll also find your sense of worth becoming restored. The people referred to in your emails have clearly left you thinking of yourself as not very valuable.
The second idea is useless without the first. It concerns judging who is a good guy, and who is not. For a while into the future, your ability to make good evaluations about such matters will be compromised, because of your experiences. I suggest you take a look at my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com. There I spell out the different areas you need to look at in particular, in order to not get blindsided by ANYONE. And how to do this work. One of those is your own personal blind spots, as above. But there are others. Cover the several of them and the odds are that you’ll increase your ability to find good people, many-fold.
Also, be careful in your choices (including friends; I haven’t forgotten the bath girl). Folks of your description understandably look to stay safe in relationships. But this sometimes leads them to find men who are utterly rejectable, so that they can keep them at a distance, wimpy men who they can dominate (you’d get that model from your mother), or men whose habit it was to disappear. Good relationships are relationships are stable, and on an equal footing. That will take work in your therapy, good judgments, and careful experience to put into play.
You’re hurting, and I feel for you. But, I urge you to get going on something close to the above plan NOW, while you’re young and strong. Please resist the temptation to lick your wounds for the next several years, and avoid the work mentioned. It’s easy to do, especially with a child who needs your attention. Kids can be a convenient means of avoidance. And avoidance is a highway to nowhere.
Go for it, and I’d lay you BIG odds that you’ll come out of this just fine.
All best,
You are so right. How did you get yourself together? There are many times that i have been single to get myself together, but to be honest I really did not know what to do. I believe that when I do meet a great guy, I might run him away with my baggage. I am a good person, but just had some bad experiences.
Dear Key,
You've made my day! Go for it!!
Cordially,
Dr. P.
You've made my day! Go for it!!
Cordially,
Dr. P.
Thank You for the comments and suggestions! I will from now on get help and heal. I thinks this is the first step, acknowledging my issues, and now I will do something about it.
Key27
Key27
I really don't know where my issue with trust came from. However, I did have some bad relationships in the past, where someone broke my trust. I can remember as a child Around eight years of age, I had a good friend. I spent nights at her house, we were in the same classroom. I was chubby when I was a child. Her and I took a bath together and she told many students in my class how fat I was (she went into detail about my body. It bothered me a lot. I was teased about my weight as a child...I 've lost weight and is no longer heavy, but i believe those scars still exist.
My father was not really present in my life (he was there sparingly)...I never really missed him though. My mother has a strong personaility and sometimes she says harsh things to me like you are dumb and stupid. She makes feel like can never do things right. She is very judgmental and is not a good person to talk to. Also, my former relationship (child's father) was a terrible relationship.
He was verbally abusive, and sometimes made me feel like a nobody.
My relationships before my daughter's father were not good at all. Most of the guys broke my heart. Basically, many of the guys from the past made me feels less, they cheated, wanted just sex from me. This made me feel that every man was this way (this is the baggage...but I know many women have bad relationships, but does not have trust issues. This is the baggage I am referring to.
I don;t think I am ready for a relationship because I have trust issues and I have been hurt by men in the past that i don't think that I have healed. In my mind, there are not many good guys.
PS: I just recently found out that the guy the I posted the question about was on drugs. This hurt me so much, Because he seemed like he was the one and a wonderful person. I broke it off. However, I can still used some advice from you Dr.
Thank You
My father was not really present in my life (he was there sparingly)...I never really missed him though. My mother has a strong personaility and sometimes she says harsh things to me like you are dumb and stupid. She makes feel like can never do things right. She is very judgmental and is not a good person to talk to. Also, my former relationship (child's father) was a terrible relationship.
He was verbally abusive, and sometimes made me feel like a nobody.
My relationships before my daughter's father were not good at all. Most of the guys broke my heart. Basically, many of the guys from the past made me feels less, they cheated, wanted just sex from me. This made me feel that every man was this way (this is the baggage...but I know many women have bad relationships, but does not have trust issues. This is the baggage I am referring to.
I don;t think I am ready for a relationship because I have trust issues and I have been hurt by men in the past that i don't think that I have healed. In my mind, there are not many good guys.
PS: I just recently found out that the guy the I posted the question about was on drugs. This hurt me so much, Because he seemed like he was the one and a wonderful person. I broke it off. However, I can still used some advice from you Dr.
Thank You
If there is one thing I have learned from a series of bad relationship choices is that I have to work on me first. I have a number of issues from childhood well into adulthood which I bring into every relationship I get involved in. If you both have baggage it is unlikely your relationship with him and the ones after him will work. Do yourself a favor and get you together first then when you are ready you will find a lasting sustainable relationship with someone who you can be yourself with and who likes you for just being you. Good Luck.
She
She
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Key,
You're telling me in a number of ways that your issues, and probably those of your partner, have serious depth and history to them. So I need some real understanding of what's gone on. What follows are some of my questions. If you'll take the time to answer them in a considered way, I'll do the same back.
The big one concerns your issue of trust. Tell me all about it. How big, where from, especially in family of origin, and what's your present understanding of how it gums up your relationships. And what's the “baggage from the past” that you refer to? What were your issues with your parents?
Also, why do you think the relationship is over? Did some real things happen, or do you simply have a feeling?
When you say you're just not ready for a relationship, what exactly do you mean? And why are you so sure? And when you say you don't want a relationship, but want someone in your life, what do you mean?
You probably know that we find for relationships people with problems that correspond in some way to our own. What's the guy like in these terms? Anybody in your family of origin with his characteristics?
Anything else come to mind that would help me put your questions in context?
Let me know and we'll give it a go.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
You're telling me in a number of ways that your issues, and probably those of your partner, have serious depth and history to them. So I need some real understanding of what's gone on. What follows are some of my questions. If you'll take the time to answer them in a considered way, I'll do the same back.
The big one concerns your issue of trust. Tell me all about it. How big, where from, especially in family of origin, and what's your present understanding of how it gums up your relationships. And what's the “baggage from the past” that you refer to? What were your issues with your parents?
Also, why do you think the relationship is over? Did some real things happen, or do you simply have a feeling?
When you say you're just not ready for a relationship, what exactly do you mean? And why are you so sure? And when you say you don't want a relationship, but want someone in your life, what do you mean?
You probably know that we find for relationships people with problems that correspond in some way to our own. What's the guy like in these terms? Anybody in your family of origin with his characteristics?
Anything else come to mind that would help me put your questions in context?
Let me know and we'll give it a go.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
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