I know someone (call him K) who was bothered by the neighbour, just because K asked the neighbour to be careful when driving so close to his lawn. K was worried that he would run over his kid.
After that, Stalker would endlessly circle the block in his car, and drive very slowly past K's house. The stalker also called Ks home endlessly but did not talk. The police were unable to do anything because the stalker's wife was afraid to answer any questions so no one could prove that stalker was making the phone calls.
K eventually moved across town and got an unlisted phone #. That was 15 years ago and there has been no problem since. Is this an option for you? I wonder if he couldn't find you if he would give up on the other people in your life.
Dear Sweet Boredom,
I take stalking very seriously, and I'm sure you do, too. Your description of your situation isn't ranting at all. It's critical information.
It's important to distinguish between a stalker who's a pain, and one who's dangerous, one who’s basically a coward looking for attention, and one who's aggressive to the point of being psychopathic.
I'm also very sorry about the death of your father.
You need to understand what kind of stalker your ex is, and act accordingly. But to do this, you'll have to educate yourself fully on the matter. It would take pages and pages to fully address your questions here, both about what makes these people tick, and about what to do. But they're certainly the right questions. Just as a generalization, I'd say that there are various diagnoses, or personality types, that stalkers can carry. But for practical purposes, the important questions may be whether they are psychotic, psychopathic, or lightweights in the dangerousness department, and also more amenable to limit setting.
There are several websites of organizations that are set up for this educational purpose. Do a Google search for "stalking." Start with the Wikipedia article, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking. Follow up with the article on what to do, and what not to do: http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/whatnot.htm. Also check out the University of Texas stalking page, at
http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/Group/BussLAB/stalkinghelp/StalkingWhatCanI.html#Strategies. There are several more.
For the simple case, I think the idea of not reinforcing the stalker is critical. They need to “get it” that it's over for them: the woman is never going to have anything to do with them, ever again.
Also consider the security of your home and your person. See the relevant sections of the websites for information on both.
Once you've learned the basics of behavior, find out exactly what the laws are in your state. That will help you understand what can and cannot be done. Then, you have a right to ask the police to cooperate as best they can. If you determine that your ex is dangerous, that's when you'll have to either power up or move away. I know one woman who bought herself a taser and a gun, and informed the stalker that she was skilled with both, and not averse to using them. She was lucky that these tactics didn't backfire. For some stalkers, such threats can be seen as a challenge. Another woman I knew quietly told the stalker, also an ex-boyfriend, that she had engaged the services of, shall we say, a very large and aggressive man who would take action if there was the slightest threat from the ex. In that case the ex disappeared, never to be seen again. But it could have gone the other way! I am NOT recommending these measures. In a third case, letting the ex know about the police backup did the trick.
This is about all I can get into here. I'm also concerned with the (unlikely) possibility of your ex reading this. If it turns out that he's not a simple case, I urge you to build a team, locally. The team may include a threat assessment expert, the police, and possibly a lawyer. Personal relationships with specific policemen can also be useful.
Also, given that this event is stressful, and made even more stressful by your loss, make sure you have good personal backup, i.e. family, friends, and possibly a professional psychologist if the emotional situation gets complex.
Reach me via my contact information if you'd like to speak more about your situation.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.