Aa
confused
My ex fiance left just before xmas, he had a cocaine addiction & we both decided he needed to recover away from my children. His intention was to come back home after he got clean & could handle everyday stresses. We had contact on a daily basis. He text me to tell me how much he loved me & he was doing this for us to be happy together, we were due to be married this year. A week after he sent me the txt to tell me he loved me he then txt me to tell me he had no feelings for me, i was devastated, i asked why he told me only the week before that he loved me & he couldnt remember. He said he doesnt know why his feelings have gone. He still txt & phoned me for a while asking how i was then one night i got a txt in the middle of the night telling me he wont txt me anymore because he doesnt love me anymore, i couldnt understand why he would txt in the middle of the night to tell me he didnt love me when he,d already told me before, he still txt after that asking if i was ok, then my friend told me he had gone back to his ex, i took it pretty bad. We were together 3 1/2 yrs. He loved me so much in all that time, right up to him leaving he was still always cuddling me & i never doubted his love, i was probably suffercatied by his love, sometimes i felt too smuthered. He wont face me now & i havent heard from him, he has phoned me from a witheld number a few times, iv had calls recently but i only answered once & he hung up. I know it was him because i heard him speak to someone. He has been clean since xmas but im so confused with it all, i cant seem to move on because all our plans have gone, we done eveything together so i feel very lost. He has changed into a different person, do you think it is down to the drug abuse, i am so confused with it all.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Loulou,
Ok. Great moves on the reality front! I like everything you've said about your plans in this area. And yes, I think physically moving house will make a great positive difference.
As far as your emotional vulnerability to the man is concerned:
Of course it takes time to get strong. These feelings of love and need for people we've broken up with, even if they're thoroughly nutty and inappropriate, take realistically a couple of years, to fade. Yes, he'll try to weaken you, by coming back and inflaming your emotions again. He'll try to scratch your poison ivy! And you're probably right, it will most likely happen when the other woman finds out and dismisses him.
You'll need steely determination. Gather around you friends and family who will strengthen your resolve. If they aren't enough, and if you can't talk to them intimately, get yourself a good therapist. He/she can be crucial in keeping you straight.
Remember, it's not just your ex who has an addiction problem!
All Best,
Dr. P.
P.S. Yes, learn to enjoy your own company. Then, when you're strong enough, move on to the company of some good, well put together humans. Don't stay alone forever!
Ok. Great moves on the reality front! I like everything you've said about your plans in this area. And yes, I think physically moving house will make a great positive difference.
As far as your emotional vulnerability to the man is concerned:
Of course it takes time to get strong. These feelings of love and need for people we've broken up with, even if they're thoroughly nutty and inappropriate, take realistically a couple of years, to fade. Yes, he'll try to weaken you, by coming back and inflaming your emotions again. He'll try to scratch your poison ivy! And you're probably right, it will most likely happen when the other woman finds out and dismisses him.
You'll need steely determination. Gather around you friends and family who will strengthen your resolve. If they aren't enough, and if you can't talk to them intimately, get yourself a good therapist. He/she can be crucial in keeping you straight.
Remember, it's not just your ex who has an addiction problem!
All Best,
Dr. P.
P.S. Yes, learn to enjoy your own company. Then, when you're strong enough, move on to the company of some good, well put together humans. Don't stay alone forever!
I would just like to add that i have tried changing my number but he got my new number from mutual friends, he also lives near me so moving house will make a huge difference.
For the last 3 months i have gone over & over in my mind all of the good times we had & wondered how he could throw away such a good relationship (before the addiction) & i found it so hard to move away from these thoughts but now i have run over them that many times they are now old thoughts & i am now moving on to the thoughts of the disruption he caused. I still have some thoughts about when things were good but they are not so raw anymore. All of this has just started to happen & i feel like i have moved to the next stage of recovery. I feel like i have just came back to reality if that makes sense. I am wondering how i got through these last few months, they have been so bad but i feel like i have stopped dwelling on the last 3 yrs so much. Now i want to look forward to the future without him. I have booked a holliday to france with my family, something i could not deal with only say a month ago. I found it so hard to deal with even opening my mail. I was prescribed antidepressants by my Gp a few months ago for the first time in my life. I am normaly of sound mind & always have been but i seemed to lose myself somewhere & think something shut down in me. I havent been myself but i feel like i have changed for the better. I changed my job because i was unhappy there & i have been in my new job in hotel management for a few months & i look forward to going to work for a change. I am thinking of selling my house & buying nearer my 12 yr old daughters school & my 25 yr old daughter has just got a job as a college lecturer so that has lifted my spirits. The thing that will be in the way of me moving forward will be my ex contacting me. He still rings me sometimes but i dont answer. I actually think he is still using. I seem to get along fine & feel positive then he calls me & it sets me back. I do think he will try to come back when his girlfriend finds out what it is like to be with an addict & leaves him but i want to be strong enough to turn him away, i never want to go through this again. I think deep down i hope he will stop using & tell me he has made a mistake & he will never use again but then i do know he will always be at risk, I would never forgive him for the disruption he has caused & i would never be happy with him, i just need to drum this in my mind enough for it to register. I want to learn to live without him in my life. I lived many years without a partner before i met him & i was happy, i want to go back to being happy with me again. I like my own company.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Loulou,
Ok! It sounds like you're on your way! It feels like you're getting it. Terrific, and good for you.
Now, the next step. Start by asking yourself a) “which specific measures do I intend to take to grow past these last three years, recover my life, and move on to be the best person I can be”? And b) “what might be getting in my way”? Ask these questions about both your psychological/life and your reality situation.
Try and break the problem down for us with these questions. Then get back to me, if you wish, and we'll look at any problems in acting on your plans.
By the way, I understand that changes don't happen overnight. Especially after big revelations such as yours. But you've realized which way is up, or so I hope, and you're on to feeling like a fool. Don't spend much time with this one; move on to regrouping and planning. It'll work, I'm sure of it!
Regards,
Dr. P.
Ok! It sounds like you're on your way! It feels like you're getting it. Terrific, and good for you.
Now, the next step. Start by asking yourself a) “which specific measures do I intend to take to grow past these last three years, recover my life, and move on to be the best person I can be”? And b) “what might be getting in my way”? Ask these questions about both your psychological/life and your reality situation.
Try and break the problem down for us with these questions. Then get back to me, if you wish, and we'll look at any problems in acting on your plans.
By the way, I understand that changes don't happen overnight. Especially after big revelations such as yours. But you've realized which way is up, or so I hope, and you're on to feeling like a fool. Don't spend much time with this one; move on to regrouping and planning. It'll work, I'm sure of it!
Regards,
Dr. P.
As you said in your reply, if i am serious about getting my life back you would help work out a strategy, i would really appreciate your help. I do want to find the strength to move on, im just not sure how to go about it. This is the first time i have experienced a breakup where i am on the recieving end. Thank you.
Louise
Louise
Thankyou for your reply, i have spoken to a cocaine addict in recovery on the subtance abuse forum & he has given me some advice on cocaine abuse. It has made me realize how bad this drug is & how adiction is a life long battle, something i am not prepared to deal with. I think he is very manipulating as all addicts are & i am just starting to realize how much he ground me down. I am a strong person & i cannot believe i have let myself be manipulated by a drug addict. He was a lovely person before he used but he has changed & his ex has done me a favour by taking his problem on. He has very little chance of recovering as he has no support system & i am now going to work on building my life back to being the strong independant person that i use to be. I have lost myself somewhere through all this chaos but now i want to get my life back on track, i am pretty anoyed with myself for staying with a drug addict i do not know how i got pulled into it in the first place. I had to laugh at what you said that you wouldnt touch him with a 10 foot pole. Thank you. I am now ready to get over this mess.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Loulou,
I know it's hard to see from the inside, and that you are emotionally raw from this terrible backing and forthing, but . . . You need to get out of this situation! Your ex needs to be in recovery from the cocaine addiction, and you need to be in recovery from him!
He is:
a) is a coke head (in just the beginning of recovery)
b) has gone away from you to another woman, and
c) won't talk to you or face you.
What's wrong with this picture?
I don't care about the texts or non-texts, phone calls or hangups, or even that when he was there, it was great. I don't care that down deep he might love you. That he's ambivalent or not. Or that the two of you had plans to be married. Why? See a,b, and c, above.
I sense that you're going to be jerked around by your love, possibly indefinitely, and possibly with serious emotional consequences.
All the ambivalence on his part is turning you into something akin to a pigeon in a Skinner Box, where he feeds you good things on an occasional, or random basis, and you keep pressing the lever of love and care.
As to whether his behavior is down to the drug abuse, it may be, or perhaps without the drug he is uncovering all his natural personality and/or emotional craziness. It's complex. For a model, check out the autobiography of Eric Clapton, who, along with his long-suffering women, dealt with the exact same two tangled issues.
I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole unless 1) he was clean for a sustained period of time (years, not months) and 2) was out of the other woman’s bed. Even then, given what you've told me, I'd say the odds are long.
I know it's hard to think, with all the pain this situation is causing, but you may also want to do some self-exploration, re: the question of how you gotten to this, and why? What's the suffocation about? Is there any payoff for you in being put through this emotional spin dryer? Or any precedent? If so, I'd suggest you do some therapy to get your head around the issues. It's awful to feel lost.
If you get serious about reclaiming your life, you can certainly let me know, and we'll plan a strategy. You CAN find yourself. It's hard, but not impossible!
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
I know it's hard to see from the inside, and that you are emotionally raw from this terrible backing and forthing, but . . . You need to get out of this situation! Your ex needs to be in recovery from the cocaine addiction, and you need to be in recovery from him!
He is:
a) is a coke head (in just the beginning of recovery)
b) has gone away from you to another woman, and
c) won't talk to you or face you.
What's wrong with this picture?
I don't care about the texts or non-texts, phone calls or hangups, or even that when he was there, it was great. I don't care that down deep he might love you. That he's ambivalent or not. Or that the two of you had plans to be married. Why? See a,b, and c, above.
I sense that you're going to be jerked around by your love, possibly indefinitely, and possibly with serious emotional consequences.
All the ambivalence on his part is turning you into something akin to a pigeon in a Skinner Box, where he feeds you good things on an occasional, or random basis, and you keep pressing the lever of love and care.
As to whether his behavior is down to the drug abuse, it may be, or perhaps without the drug he is uncovering all his natural personality and/or emotional craziness. It's complex. For a model, check out the autobiography of Eric Clapton, who, along with his long-suffering women, dealt with the exact same two tangled issues.
I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole unless 1) he was clean for a sustained period of time (years, not months) and 2) was out of the other woman’s bed. Even then, given what you've told me, I'd say the odds are long.
I know it's hard to think, with all the pain this situation is causing, but you may also want to do some self-exploration, re: the question of how you gotten to this, and why? What's the suffocation about? Is there any payoff for you in being put through this emotional spin dryer? Or any precedent? If so, I'd suggest you do some therapy to get your head around the issues. It's awful to feel lost.
If you get serious about reclaiming your life, you can certainly let me know, and we'll plan a strategy. You CAN find yourself. It's hard, but not impossible!
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
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