emotionally drained

[janedo]

My situation... I have been with my boyfriend for three years now. It has always been
hot and cold with him. We have been living in my parents house for about a couple of months only.
We live there for free, I am very grateful, but my bf is very unappreciative. I make it a priority to save my
money and work full time. He on the other hand does not. I know he cares about me but whenever I bring
it up it always end up being a big argument. He is manipulative, he threatens me when I ask him to find another place
to live. He says things like " I'm just going to be homeless and max out my visa on alcohol". He knows this makes me feel guilty. He and I both know that I have a generous nature and he subconsciously takes advantage of me.
I hate to say this but on the back of everyone's mind is " how did he get her". I am independent, attractive, outgoing, and have an open-mind.  I work full time and on my free time I clean up the mess he has mad at home.
The world revolves around him, and when he is upset everyone must know, but god forbid I have bad day, and when I do its, " why are you acting crazy" or " is it the time of the month". As if I am not valid of an opinion or just feeling human. I don't know what to do, I feel trapped in this relationship, but at the same time I don't want him to live on the streets. It comes down to my self preservation or his selfish needs. If he truly loves me, he would let me go.

[Alla66]

dear Janedo,

i am sorry that you have to go through this. You are who you are and it is nice that other people and you can see that.When a person treats you like this and when you put your self through the situation you did, to save a realationship of course that will damage  your self esteem.
Your boyfriend has symptoms of narcissist, in my opinion. I have had an experience with a person who treated me similar, and yes it does destroy you as a person. They do not change and no matter what you do, thing do not change. you are just prolonging your pain and you are not getting anything out of it.
Please look up the narcissistic personality disorder, you might find your answer there.

Good luck !  

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Janedo,

He won’t let you go unless you take steps to free yourself. Why should he? Look what he’s getting: a bright, attractive, caring woman who he can manipulate endlessly. OF COURSE  everyone asks “how did he get her?”

You have what's calledl in the trade a self-esteem problem. Just jargon, but sometimes, like here, the real thing. It’s time to either figure it out yourself or get some help understanding both how/who generated this issue, and how to free yourself from it in practical terms. He has been the perfect boyfriend for your neurosis: controlling, manipulative, invalidating. Yuk!

As a start, think deeply about curbing your generous nature, and the sense of guilt that comes when you don’t exercise it and put yourself first. It’s not up to you to save this man, using yourself as the expendable component of the relationship. Nope, time to stand up and acknowledge your true worth. Time to say “no, hisnamehere, either shape up or ship out.”

I'd guess it won't work, that you'll get at best superficial and temporary compliance. If so, I’d go even further: why not simply get rid of him and get a man worth your time, energy, and love? I'd bet you don't stay alone long! And everybody, including you and me, will be proud of you!

Remember, you FEEL trapped, but you aren’t. To get free, you DO have to violate a sacred principle, that others come before you. Again, if you can’t do it alone right now, by guts and will power, get some good pro help. But DO IT, Janedo, it’s your life we’re talking about here.  

Get back to me if you want to follow up. But first, do some serious thinking about what’s on this screen.

Sincerely,


Dr. P.