Aa
married with homosexual tendencies
I am married guy who is also attracted to men. ive fooled around with other men a few times throughout the course of my lifetime, all of which had been purely physical- a lot even one-night-stands. Ive only dated women. I ve been married for more than a year, and where i should be and want to be. plans of having kids are in the horizon. my biggest problem is trying to deal with my attraction to other men. i feel that the more i supress it the more it gets intense. although i have no plans of ruining my marriage and going over the fence, i cant seem to stop fooling around with other guys. i always play safe and very careful but it really bothers me that i am this way. is it possible to cure myself of this?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Rabb,
There’s little evidence that “cures” work, or even that they make much sense. Sexual orientation seems largely genetic, and attempts to change appear to be either exhortations, appeals to “morality”, Christian or otherwise, or frankly punitive. Simply googling this will give you a sense of the range.
Some people are innately bi-sexual. It’s not an illness. Psychotherapy is useful if and pretty much only if the homosexual orientation is a result of trauma or some kind of severe distortion or confusion about sexuality from childhood. In that case it can be really helpful. Certainly, it would help you to understand better whether your heterosexual life is the one you really want; and also understand if the homosexual liasons were, as you say, purely physical. It’s possible that insight into the nature of your need for men will resolve the issue. But it’s far from probable.
However, as with psychotherapy of eating disorders, sometimes everything but the original problem is successfully dealt with. That is, this exploration may not simply get you to quit men.
If you don’t want to end your marriage and go over the fence, you might want to do this exploration with a pro. Make sure you find one who is experienced, neutral on the issue, and well versed in sexual psychology. Such a professional would orient you as to whether life problems, as opposed to genetics, had led you to men.
You could stay closeted, as if were, but in this day and age you might, if your wife was liberal enough, get somewhere by coming out to her, and finding a way to live together with your orientation intact, perhaps with the help of an experienced couples therapist. It’s a very personal thing. At the very least, you then would have a reduction in your guilt.
I’m afraid that doing nothing at all will lead to increased unhappiness and confusion. It’s a bad choice.
That’s about all I have for now. Perhaps with more information I could make better suggestions. I also recommend you try the expert sexuality forum for other opinions, as well as forums run by the gay community. It’s a good idea to get a range of opinions. Just remember that your orientation is likely just an inconvenient part of you, and certainly not a reason for self-hatred or denigration, or forced abandonment of any part of you. It’s about the politics and your marriage relationship as much or more than anything else.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
There’s little evidence that “cures” work, or even that they make much sense. Sexual orientation seems largely genetic, and attempts to change appear to be either exhortations, appeals to “morality”, Christian or otherwise, or frankly punitive. Simply googling this will give you a sense of the range.
Some people are innately bi-sexual. It’s not an illness. Psychotherapy is useful if and pretty much only if the homosexual orientation is a result of trauma or some kind of severe distortion or confusion about sexuality from childhood. In that case it can be really helpful. Certainly, it would help you to understand better whether your heterosexual life is the one you really want; and also understand if the homosexual liasons were, as you say, purely physical. It’s possible that insight into the nature of your need for men will resolve the issue. But it’s far from probable.
However, as with psychotherapy of eating disorders, sometimes everything but the original problem is successfully dealt with. That is, this exploration may not simply get you to quit men.
If you don’t want to end your marriage and go over the fence, you might want to do this exploration with a pro. Make sure you find one who is experienced, neutral on the issue, and well versed in sexual psychology. Such a professional would orient you as to whether life problems, as opposed to genetics, had led you to men.
You could stay closeted, as if were, but in this day and age you might, if your wife was liberal enough, get somewhere by coming out to her, and finding a way to live together with your orientation intact, perhaps with the help of an experienced couples therapist. It’s a very personal thing. At the very least, you then would have a reduction in your guilt.
I’m afraid that doing nothing at all will lead to increased unhappiness and confusion. It’s a bad choice.
That’s about all I have for now. Perhaps with more information I could make better suggestions. I also recommend you try the expert sexuality forum for other opinions, as well as forums run by the gay community. It’s a good idea to get a range of opinions. Just remember that your orientation is likely just an inconvenient part of you, and certainly not a reason for self-hatred or denigration, or forced abandonment of any part of you. It’s about the politics and your marriage relationship as much or more than anything else.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Hi. Actually i posted this question for you. Is there some therapy that i can get into to lessen or divert my attraction to same sex? in a lack of a better word, is there such a thing as a " cure" to this? I am living a heterosexual and married life bc thats what i want for myself, and not just to make people around me happy. This attraction i have with to the same sex is purely physical.. Evrything else in my life is heterosexual. Every encounter ive had was due to an urge that i wanted to be satisfied. After each encounter, i am full of guilt, and paranoia bc the urge is no longer there. I am not happy about it and i want it to end. please help.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Rabb,
I see you're getting feedback from the community forums. Let me know if I can add anything.
Dr. P.
I see you're getting feedback from the community forums. Let me know if I can add anything.
Dr. P.
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