Aa
need to get him more "motivated"
My husband and I are approching our first anniversary (august 25th) and our sex life is definitely suffering. I want sex almost everynight and him not so much. I will admidt we have had a slew of problems the past year including him being diagnosed bipolar and me having an infidelity. The last time we discussed our sex issue he said he didn't feel sexually attracted to me anymore and sex just doesn't feel the same. If we do have sex it's because I started it and the only time he's initiated was my birthday. I try to hint to him and in the mood, and have tried being direct but nothing seems to work. If I didn't start it we would probably never have sex. Any tips? I've tried everything from dressing up, sexy messages, dirty talk, being dominant, letting him be dominant, wacthing movies together, ect.. Any ideas on how to get him to initiate it more? Thanks.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Heather,
You have several potential negatives in your relationship that could be affecting your sex life. Here are three:
A one year anniversary coming up.
Your husband’s bipolar disorder.
Your infidelity
None of these are trivial, though it’s unclear how important they are in practice.
The anniversary may be signaling the end to the most passionate part of your relationship. This is common, and bedeviling. It may reflect the natural, biologically caused downtrend that most couples, and especially men, experience. This can drive women nuts. Just as they feel most comfortable in the stable relationship, the men are biologically and sometimes psychologically as well, moved either to feel less sexual, or to transfer their most intense sexual feelings elsewhere. Sometimes this is fixable, and sometimes it fixes itself, as the man feels more comfortable with marriage. “Tips” usually don’t work, unless the issue is very minor. And you’ve tried the usual things to make things fresh sexually.
I’m assuming YOU haven’t changed to the negative over the year, e.g. gained significant weight, had a significant personality change, etc.
There’s also the possibility that your husband is more turned off you than you thought. Is he otherwise affectionate, or is the problem JUST in the sexual area? This is a very important question, for obvious reasons. If he’s moving back from you in general, it will be crucial to find out why.
Perhaps his lack of ardor has something to do with your infidelity. When was it, and how sure are you that his feelings about it have actually been resolved? If they haven’t been, his lack of sexual feelings may be signaling his perhaps understandable anger. How much work did the two of you do on this? If you just buried it, it’s more likely to be still smoldering underground. If this is the case, he needs to surface it, either with you alone or with a counselor, maybe in a couples meeting.
Of course he could always be having an affair of his own.
The bipolar disorder could certainly be involved. I don’t know the nature of HIS PARTICULAR bp illness, and they’re all different. Does he keep more distance when he’s high, or low, or level? Has he been actively psychotic for some or all of the last year, and in the process of recovery? Is he on meds that may have sexual side effects? The complaint of sex not feeling gratifying, and attraction/libido not being present, is quite common. Also, when doing sex, can he perform, or does he have problems? If he’s quite ill, or if he has significant side effects, maybe he has been robbed of his initiative via these factors. Is he having problems initiating things in other areas, with people generally, or at work? The answer will tell us something.
We need to sort out the possible contributing factors, both those just discussed, and those which you may come up with alone. The point is to look beyond sex itself to the whole person, and the relationship and its history. I’d suggest you do some preliminary sorting. Maybe as you do so, some likely causes will pop into your head.
Let's cut down the possibilities to bring the problem into better focus. Feel free to get back to me with more information or to take the next step.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
----------
Your followup question:
To: richard
thank you for your response. We have talked through our issues concerning my infidelity. The incident was over 6 months ago. He is currently in therapy in conjunction with taking his medication. His medication has no physical effect on his preformance. He is less affectionate with me in general as well but sometimes if he's having a "good mental day" He is just as much as he used to be. To be honest we are both unemployed currently ( I'm almost finished school) and he did recently apply for a few jobs. He has assured me time and time again that he still loves me but before one of our things was i would say I love you then he would say it back then i'd say but I love you more and we'd playfully fight (no, i love you more ect.). Now after i say I love you moe he just gives a little laugh. i'm very fustrated and running out of patience. (Not that I allow it to show at all). I just don't understand how a human, espically a man, can not want sex ever. It is a basic instinct and he has to get (for lack of a bbetter term) horny some time doesn't he? Thanks for any more help.
----------
Response to your followup from Dr. Pomerance:
Dear Heather,
While the meds don't affect his performance, they could well affect his libido (desire). I'd check on this, and if it seems likely, suggest a med evaluation. Maybe there are alternative drugs with fewer such effects.
You add:"if he's having a 'good mental day' He is just as much as he used to be." This suggests that it's the depression that's affecting him, perhaps instead of/in addition to the meds. If so, you'll have to see how it goes, what you can tolerate and for how long.
Unfortunately, these kinds of problems can affect libido (and the general relationship as well) in men. I understand how frustrating it is.
Men often voice similar complaints about women. They "can't understand" why women don't want sex sometimes, not understanding that women are emotionally and hormonally complex and variable.
Men are simpler, but emotional disturbance can take out their desire and relatedness just as thoroughly. Otherwise, young men tend to be pretty much unstoppably horny, 24/7, 365.
Regards,
Dr. P.
You have several potential negatives in your relationship that could be affecting your sex life. Here are three:
A one year anniversary coming up.
Your husband’s bipolar disorder.
Your infidelity
None of these are trivial, though it’s unclear how important they are in practice.
The anniversary may be signaling the end to the most passionate part of your relationship. This is common, and bedeviling. It may reflect the natural, biologically caused downtrend that most couples, and especially men, experience. This can drive women nuts. Just as they feel most comfortable in the stable relationship, the men are biologically and sometimes psychologically as well, moved either to feel less sexual, or to transfer their most intense sexual feelings elsewhere. Sometimes this is fixable, and sometimes it fixes itself, as the man feels more comfortable with marriage. “Tips” usually don’t work, unless the issue is very minor. And you’ve tried the usual things to make things fresh sexually.
I’m assuming YOU haven’t changed to the negative over the year, e.g. gained significant weight, had a significant personality change, etc.
There’s also the possibility that your husband is more turned off you than you thought. Is he otherwise affectionate, or is the problem JUST in the sexual area? This is a very important question, for obvious reasons. If he’s moving back from you in general, it will be crucial to find out why.
Perhaps his lack of ardor has something to do with your infidelity. When was it, and how sure are you that his feelings about it have actually been resolved? If they haven’t been, his lack of sexual feelings may be signaling his perhaps understandable anger. How much work did the two of you do on this? If you just buried it, it’s more likely to be still smoldering underground. If this is the case, he needs to surface it, either with you alone or with a counselor, maybe in a couples meeting.
Of course he could always be having an affair of his own.
The bipolar disorder could certainly be involved. I don’t know the nature of HIS PARTICULAR bp illness, and they’re all different. Does he keep more distance when he’s high, or low, or level? Has he been actively psychotic for some or all of the last year, and in the process of recovery? Is he on meds that may have sexual side effects? The complaint of sex not feeling gratifying, and attraction/libido not being present, is quite common. Also, when doing sex, can he perform, or does he have problems? If he’s quite ill, or if he has significant side effects, maybe he has been robbed of his initiative via these factors. Is he having problems initiating things in other areas, with people generally, or at work? The answer will tell us something.
We need to sort out the possible contributing factors, both those just discussed, and those which you may come up with alone. The point is to look beyond sex itself to the whole person, and the relationship and its history. I’d suggest you do some preliminary sorting. Maybe as you do so, some likely causes will pop into your head.
Let's cut down the possibilities to bring the problem into better focus. Feel free to get back to me with more information or to take the next step.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
----------
Your followup question:
To: richard
thank you for your response. We have talked through our issues concerning my infidelity. The incident was over 6 months ago. He is currently in therapy in conjunction with taking his medication. His medication has no physical effect on his preformance. He is less affectionate with me in general as well but sometimes if he's having a "good mental day" He is just as much as he used to be. To be honest we are both unemployed currently ( I'm almost finished school) and he did recently apply for a few jobs. He has assured me time and time again that he still loves me but before one of our things was i would say I love you then he would say it back then i'd say but I love you more and we'd playfully fight (no, i love you more ect.). Now after i say I love you moe he just gives a little laugh. i'm very fustrated and running out of patience. (Not that I allow it to show at all). I just don't understand how a human, espically a man, can not want sex ever. It is a basic instinct and he has to get (for lack of a bbetter term) horny some time doesn't he? Thanks for any more help.
----------
Response to your followup from Dr. Pomerance:
Dear Heather,
While the meds don't affect his performance, they could well affect his libido (desire). I'd check on this, and if it seems likely, suggest a med evaluation. Maybe there are alternative drugs with fewer such effects.
You add:"if he's having a 'good mental day' He is just as much as he used to be." This suggests that it's the depression that's affecting him, perhaps instead of/in addition to the meds. If so, you'll have to see how it goes, what you can tolerate and for how long.
Unfortunately, these kinds of problems can affect libido (and the general relationship as well) in men. I understand how frustrating it is.
Men often voice similar complaints about women. They "can't understand" why women don't want sex sometimes, not understanding that women are emotionally and hormonally complex and variable.
Men are simpler, but emotional disturbance can take out their desire and relatedness just as thoroughly. Otherwise, young men tend to be pretty much unstoppably horny, 24/7, 365.
Regards,
Dr. P.
thankyou
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