relationships and anxiety?

[Jennifer1987]

I have been in a relationship with my ex for 2 and a half yeras! the first 6 months were great like any normal relationship, but then everything went down hill! His ex came back on the scene and caused me so much stress. She was texting him and he was replying but promised noting was happening. I told him to stop and he said he would! So after a few weeks he ended it with no excuse at all. I was devastated but had to accept it. A week later he rang and wanted to meet to talk about getting back together! He told me he had slept with his ex and thats why he broke up with me. I went mad, and told him it was over... but after a while I got back with him, (A big mistake) So things didnt really improve, he was so mean and nasty to me, would tell me Im over reacting about the whole situation and need to trust him.. Easier said than done right? So our relationship was really insecuer, we weould break up a lot. Every 3-4 months with out fail, majority of the time was his doing..

So down to the problem lol.. He had decided he was going to a lads weekend away. I didn't want him to go as I was unable to trust him. he did so many stupid things before that i couldn't believe a word he said. So the week leading up to the weekend away I was a wreck, worrying all the time. I developed bad anxiety with repetitive thinking, unwanted thoughts that stuck with me 24/7..  he didnt seem to care..  We fought a lot! He was so dosrespectful and a total liar.

So we broke up 2 months ago, I couldnt handle it anymore! I still have anxiety but it has decreased! No confidence or self esteem..... feel horrible about myslef.

My question is:

Can relationships cause this type of anxiety, can it effect a person this way???
Im in counselling at moment and doing a lot of stuff to help!

I just want to know can a relationship effect a person this way or is it something else?

[Jennifer1987]

I get it now, I think Iv "woken" up, well hopefully anyway!

Thanks for the replies, they put my mind at ease!

Jen

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Jennifer,

Yes, that's exactly what I was referring to, and what may very well be going on. Unconsciously, we tend to think that whatever happened to us as kids is "normal." In any case, it's what we know. So we seek it again, and repeat the experience, good or bad.

Until we wake up!


Sincerely,

Dr.P.

[Jennifer1987]

As in being treated badly by my ex was like the way I was treated as a child??? I never really saw the connection until I started counselling so im not sure if its that that is affecting me.

Could it be happening subconsciously?

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Jennifer,

Indeed.

Here's a thought. Could it be that, given your history, letting yourself be treated like that with the boy friend represents "a blast from the past?"

If so, you'd be on to something of incredible value in your search for self-understanding,

Regards,

Dr. P.

[Jennifer1987]

Thanks for the reply!

I think your right about having issues from my childhood and growing up... My father was a very abusive man, both verbally and physically. I saw a lot of violence growing up and was very scared of him, to this day i dont really have a bond with him. Just getting a long for the sake of things. but I could say I hate him if I was being honest. Hes still verbally abusive.

When I was 12 my brother was born with Downs Syndrome. He was a very sick baby, so was constantly in hospital untill he had his open heart surgery at 8 months old. So for those 8 months my parents weren't home a lot as they were in the hospital and when they were home they were wreck tired so we never really saw eachother that much. I dont think I handled it all very well, kinda went into myself a bit. Was quite and just concentrated on school and stuff!

I just dont understand how all of a sudden this is happening! my relationship with my ex was terrible, I dont know how I left myself be treated like that! To think about it now and look back at what he did I was stupid!

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Jennifer,

I’m glad you’re in counseling, because I suspect you have a bunch of unfinished business mixed in with the bf issue, probably (if you’re like the rest of us) some from the present and some from growing up years, from the models parents give us and/or the early experiences we had.

You’re in a “back and forth” relationship. Those have dynamics all their own, and are not uniform, as people would like to believe. Some are for clearing out old business or needs. Some are due to terminal ambivalence about relationships. Some are governed by the more specific problems  and pathology of the people involved. You need to find out more precisely and individually what’s going on. Let your counselor help you put the pieces together.

To answer your specific question: relationships certainly CAN cause this type of anxiety. HOWEVER: if it lasts longer than several months after the end of the relationship, there is very likely a set of predisposing factors that need to be looked at. So, for example, if you continue to feel horrible about yourself, heavy odds you have underlying issues with self-esteem, and that the bf situation is simply bringing them out, amplifying them.

So, definitely handle the logistics of the relationship. If he’s an ongoing total liar, and disrespectful sleezeball, you know what to do. If you DON’T stop it, you’ll KNOW you have an ongoing case of the underlying problems just mentioned. If you DO, you’ll then be able to clear the atmosphere and see what personality issues predisposed you to get into such a situation in the first place.

By the way, the cool thing about therapy/counseling is that we learn about how we work, fix the busted parts, and grow. Then we make MUCH better relationship choices, with people at the same level of maturity. It never fails!

Regards,

Dr. P.