Advice

[manos68]

Hi,
I write seeking an advice;
I recently (like 3 months ago) moved to live with my partner who lived with his single mom. The story is that he can't throw her out or abandonned her because after divorcing his dad many years ago she dedictaed her whole life to raise him. That i understand perfeclty but what he did not thought when he proposed me to move over and what i did not know when i accepted that proposal was that me and his mom would not get along as smooth as it would ideally be.
I have opted to tell him on the side without her presence every little thing that bothers me, this however have not seem to work well as it looks like if i am little by little adding stuff to him against his mom so every now and then whe she repeats one of those things i have told him that bothers me he explodes and argue with her. trust me that is the last thing i want, cause problems between the mom and her son.
Things have been like that for three months recenlty she have started treating me different less communication, ignoring some of my comments etc, which makes me think she thinks i am the one there bothering or in the middle or the one casing and bringing problems there. She recenlty told me as a comment but with perfect double meaning that she and her son used to live there very happy by themselves..what did she mean?
She does not work, whole day home, i contribute with half the mortgage and all other normal expenses half, if we go out on a saturday or friday night then she claims the following morning that we left her alone and she is tired of being in the house the whole week stuck there,etc etc etc.
I am scare of continue talking about her with my partner as he is not as easy going as i am and he quickly gets pissed off and on the arguing mode.
Feel sorry for him becasue his situation is not easy in the middle of us two but trust me mines is even harder not used to having that kind of problem at all. We liked each other a lot and besides her everything is perfect! I have claimed to rent her a place which means not to put her on a side or abandon her but he claims it would be hard for her if she hears that from him after dedicating her whole life to him! If we eat, we eat too much, if we go out we stay too long and leave her alone, if we coook because the food smells and then the house smells bad, if we sleep on weekends couple hours longer because we sleep too much, i mean i feel like i am not in my house i feel like if i am there under them not as i should feel contributing half and sometimes even more than that to every expense on the house!
Advices please do not know what to do....
Moreover she claims that after a while when i get tire or something happens i am going to dissappear and she is the one that is going to stay with him no matter what..all those things she calims or make comments of...
thanks

[laura1977]

My husband and I have always got along well.  Hardly any issues from the day we started dating 8.5 years ago.  The one thing though that almost caused us to get divorce was his MOTHER, the ol' hag.  Opps sorry.  Take care.  It will be okay.  I am sorry that you are going though that though because it is no fun, and nothing it seems can be done to change a jealous mother.  She'll get tired of doing it someday.

[manos68]

Thanks! Yes you are right and its commited! The good news today is that she found an old lady to take care of and her son is sending her there to work so far it is for three months so we will be three months in peace,let's see what happens afterwards. She is going to be in the house only from Saturday nights to Sunday nights  and during that time i will get it to spend it with my parents as well so that things even up!
I do really appreciate your comments and suggestions, more or less confirm what i have been thinking of but the thing is that things go so well apart from that.. Well he knows i am tired of telling him what bothers me and that it has gotten to a point that we do not stand each other anymore.
In ocassions he has standed up for me and defend me on others he clains to feel sorry for her and so on, so he finally found her that job, let's see how it goes!!!!
I am definetely going to seat with him and let him know that i am not willing to leave with her under the same roof, don't have any reason why to accept, and live with that issue i am perfectly independent.
thanks

[slow_healer]

You're partner is a mother's boy. I used to have a boyfriend like this. His mom routinely played the "I gave up everything so you could have a good life" card. At first we got along, but as the relationship got more serious, she became more passive aggressive. When the conflict came to a head, he went running to her. She was much better at the waterworks than I was, which made me look cold. I was left in the dust and called all kinds of terrible things... controlling, manipulative, vindictive, etc. His mother was convinced that I even told her son what to eat. I had no idea these accusations were there until suddenly, when they all came out, and I was overwhelmed with defending myself alone. It was a very painful way to end a relationship, but it ended regardless because the fighting between that boyfriend and I was always fueled by his mother.

Unless your partner makes a stand for you against his mom, he's likely not ever going to find the strength to stand up for you - even when it's really going to count. Don't let what happened to me happen to you. Don't sell yourself short or doubt for a moment that you deserve better. This woman is scared and jealous that she has to share her son with you, and she will do anything to ensure that her son stays loyal to her. It's a losing battle. I've never known anyone who's won.

[laura1977]

Well, sounds like you a stuck with her if you choose to live there.  Sounds like she is playing the jealousy card.  
She has had her son to herself, and now she has to share.  
I would really sit down and have a long talk with your partner.  Heres the thing though my husband never would believe that his mother was the mean person I discribed until I had proof of it.  Get your proof and then move forward with it.
Even though you guys are partners, you are still in the same boat as many married couples with inlaws, it's like you not only marry your partner, but you marry their family.
You are probably like us females that expect to be first in their partners life, and the bad thing is some mothers can't let go and this is where the problems start.
I couldn't imagine being in your shoes and have to live with my mother-in-law.  OMG would I just die!  hehe

[RockRose]

Your partner is a mammas boy,  and it probably won't change.  

I sense that you are a gay man - is that right?  I know you can't legally marry in most states,  but do you have a committed relationship,  or is this kind of a "try it and see what develops" kind of thing?  

I think you should move on.  This relationship will be like this until she passes away.

Best wishes.