Am I right to end a 3-year relationship if the sex has never been great?

[zipstar]

I've been with my current girlfriend for a little over 3 years, and I've never seen her orgasm.

This may seem incredibly sad and some may think perhaps a reflection on my own abilities, but a) until she met me, she'd only, she thinks, orgasmed a couple of times before in her life (she was 26 when we met), and b) I haven't had problems satisfying other women I've been involved in.

Quick recap:

- the first 18 months of the relationship was spent mainly apart on different continents
- during this time I persuaded her to go see a sex therapist, and as a result, she has now experienced orgasms by herself, she assures me
- the last 18 months has been spent living with each other, and also both working from home, so spending a lot of time in each other's company
- she has issues "letting go" whilst being sexually intimate, with her thoughts getting in the way of complete and utter relaxation and enjoyment of sex
- we have been to sexual counselling, which has helped her, we feel, but not me
- all of the above has lead me to become, over what has been a long period of time, disinterested in her in a sexual sense
- we are, on the whole compatible, in many other respects

Am I right, having spent a lot of time and patience and effort, to give up? Am I right to question whether I love her since how can I be contemplating committing to someone when there is no sexual connection, and never has been?

She sees the other things as being important, and having never had a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with anyone else, does not see the importance of it. She also thinks that it will get better with my commitment and subsequent trust.

I, on the other hand, enjoy sex immensely for both physical and intimacy reasons, and would prefer to be in a relationship where there is mutual enjoyment of each other in a sexual sense.

This is driving me nuts just thinking about it all - I need some peace of mind.

Any help appreciated!

[Sunshine779]

A friend of mine has the same problem as your girlfriend. She didnt climax... eventually learned it but still had a hard time with it. It was difficult for her and I am sure it isnt easy for your girlfriend either.

However... you are the other part of this relationship and you arent satisfied the way it is. The physical part might not be everything but it is an important part. I think you have all right to say that you give up. You have hung in there and tried to help the both of you, it just hasnt worked out.

Yes it will hurt her feelings but in the long run it will be better for the both of you. If you are already unhappy now then it will affect the two of you eventually.

And I would not be so quick in calling it a hurt ego as I read above to be honest. This can present a real problem! And if you have been in this relationship for 3 years then I think it shows that its far more than a hurt ego.. or you would have called it quits after 2 month

[heatherlynn22]

well....if it's making you miserable and you're getting frustrated...leave. no sense in 2 people being miserable. but it could always just be she doesn't know how to help you make her orgasm. perhaps if you go to a sex counselor? maybe they would be able to help with the issue. or when you are doing the horizontal mambo ask her what she likes, what feels good....help her help you pretty much.

[zipstar]

to RockRose: it's not ALL about the orgasm, would just be nice to be mutually satisfied - i personally get a lot of satisfaction from giving her pleasure!

to treazzure007: we're not into lying to each other - we have very open communication lines - and it's not about my ego, it's about me trying my best to help her get over the issue. you could respond by saying that she doesn't have an issue, and that it is me with the issue, and you might be right, in which case it sounds like we're simply not compatible from a sexual viewpoint...

to heatherlynn22: appreciate your comments, and that is the way she views it too, as do I to a certain extent - love should be unconditional. I guess it's just a matter of how much one is willing to compromise in exchange for that love - in this case it's currently an unsatisfying sex life for me personally, and I guess I feel like I'm missing out!

to pcarsey: she's lovely, and could never possibly be doing it to hurt my feelings, it's just the way things are. thank you for your recommendation - I will Amazon it and see how we get on!

to  iam1butterfly: thanks for your comments - very objective.

Thanks to all who have commented - it has been very helpful!

[iam1butterfly]

The frequency or the lack of sex and intimacy can be a deal breaker with some couples. It's one of those many compatibility issues that one faces in relationships. If sex is more significant and important to you than to your girlfriend; then that's a reality check that you both must confront. You can't nor shouldn't compromise your feelings on this. But, she's entitled to her feelings too. She may always struggle with "letting go." And, if that's the case, you may have to let her go!

[pcarsey]

I have a couple or maybe a few things to say. With the relationships you had in the past, as you state that each of them had no problem with having an orgasm with you. Do you know that there are A LOT of women who claim to have an orgasm who actually fake it? Or they really don't know if they actually had one. You might be surprised. Also, why on earth would she tell you that she can have one by herself and not you, if not to hurt your feelings? Unless she said it completely sincerely and with a total baffled expression, it would be hard for me to take it any other way then to shove it in your face.

But the main thing is.. sex is only a tiny tiny part of intimacy. Have you ever heard of the book called the seven levels of intimacy? It is an excellent book. You both should pick it up and read it.

You really have to ask yourself if you can live with this. And she should ask herself if there is nothing else she is willing to try to resolve the issue between you.

Good Luck

[heatherlynn22]

maybe she's one of those people that just can't orgasm with others. or it takes just that something extra that she doesn't know what it is. if my dh based our relationship around sex and that was why he decided to be with me....he wouldn't. a relationship is much more then just sex and intamacy. it's that security with the other person, love, communication and knowing that s/he will love you NO MATTER WHAT.

but i suppose if you arn't going to love her no matter what save her the heart break later and the misery of being with a man who doesn't want her anymore...and break it off.

[treazzure007]

maybe she should have learned to just keep her big mouth shut.  "oh well, i don't climax when we're together, but, it doesn't matter anyway..."  and you're going nuts like "what?  i don't satisfy?  what's wrong w/ your body that you don't get satisfied w/ ME?...ect..."

maybe she should have just faked it for the long run?  stroked your ego a bit...

[RockRose]

This is kind of odd.  At first,  I thought you're putting WAY WAY WAY too much emphasis on her orgasm in the relationship.  

Then,  I read that she can orgasm but won't show you how even though you are COMPLETELY consumed with her orgasm.  

You both seem like you're kind of in relationship trouble.