Back in the dating world again but, maybe not...

[twinkly84]

Hello,
I'm writing to ask a simple question but, I am hoping to get brutually honest answers too.
I am 39, full-figured, a workaholic, never married, no kids, college educated w/ 3 degrees.
I have travelled all over the world & am interested in many hobbies. I am average looking but, as stated, I am full-figured. I weigh 253 lbs. @ 5'4". Yes, I am fat. So, who hasn't seen a fat woman before?

Anyway, I live with a male roommate. He & I used to date from 2000-2004. However, he told me he didn't want to marry me & didn't love me. Here's the crazy part, we work & travel still together & in 2009, he & I got an apartment together & have been sharing ever since! This was his first time in 2009 until present, living in alone whereas, I have been on my own alone in apartments since I was 19!!!!! Weird or what?!

Recently, as of this Monday, I decided to give Plenty of Fish another try to find love. This was at the push of my brother & several colleagues. So, I did it.

Last night though, I was IMing a man & he asked about my status @ home. I told him I live w/my friend who is a man. He said he didn't want to go further b/c, he felt it would be too much drama. I told him I am not involved romantically, emotionally or physically with him. When I give my word, I am no liar.

So, the problem is....should I state this fact about my roommate on my profile? How would I word it to clarify that I am not involved at any portion with him in the dating sense? What should I say?

Or, should I just let it go, go w/ the flow & rely on the man's good maturity to understand that the reason I'm roomming w/him is to save $ & as stated, we work & travel together.

Please help b/c I don't want to be hurt again....

Thanks,
Twinkly84

PS: My profile has a lot of men that want to meet me & that's a good thing but, I don't want this to be a problem & have it keep coming up. Otherwise, all of my life is good & I am open for marriage/a good man.

[twinkly84]

Thanks for all of your thoughts & posts.

I just posted a new thread today, detailing more of what the situations are.

If you're inclined to help, I would appreciate it.

Thank you!

[teko]

Sounds to me like you and your room mate are more compatible than most situations where I do has been said. Im thinkin there may be more there than either of you want to admit. But, if you are going to date, put yourself out there. Yes it may weed some of the weaker guys out, which is a good thing yes? Any man in this day and age will understand the diff between room mate and bed partner. Might just be enuff to keep the crazies at bay.

[Londres70]

Wishing you all the best.  

Be you and only you.  

[specialmom]

Oh, certainly not.  Any man that talks that way to you is one you do NOT want dear.  That is cruel.  You stay true to who you are and yes, do the things you enjoy being open to meeting new people while doing them.  I wish you lots of luck.  You sound like a nice person and a very interesting person.   All my best to you as  you take on the world.  Let us know how it goes.  Peace

[twinkly84]

Hi everyone that responded:

Thank you very much for your input.
We'll see how my POF account goes.
As for me telling about a roommate, I've decided to do that right up front if I see the man as a serious potentiality for a dating relationship.
In the meantime, I'm actively involved in meetup.com groups & other activities such as band forums, gigs & other things in the music field.

Wish me luck while keeping me in your thoughts not to listen when men are ignorant by telling me how fat I am & how my face is disgusting. I just blow them all off & remain cool but, it still is ignorant. No man is going to tell me how to look, behave, dress, etc. I don't care too, who he is.

Cheers.

[kendalmintcake]

This guy commenting that he was fearful of drama is most likely just an isolated incident.  Not worth getting hung up on!  It's a bit like the thoughts you'd have when writing a resume, I remember putting so much effort into every nuance of my resume, thinking should I bold this or bullet point that.  Later as I became involved in performing interviews, I thought it funny that the only thing that mattered was the high level details that warranted an interview.  At that point, the interview was the real deciding factor if I wanted to hire someone.  So in this case you got to the interview and it was a dead end.  Simple as that!  Keep going strong and keep your head up and don't get discouraged.  Honestly, if you guys really liked each other on the phone, none of that would matter!

[specialmom]

There has been a lot of good input on this thread. :>)

[vintagequeen]

I agree with you 100%. Fabulous input!

[specialmom]

Well, she describes herself as a woman of 39, a career minded, educated woman that has traveled the world.  But . . . lives with an old boyfriend.  

Wouldn't be a deal breaker for someone that was immediately into her but Prince Charming isn't knocking on her door just yet.  Plus, she hasn't really attempted to date and has been kind of living as girlfriend minus the relationship with the guy and that in itself impedes moving on.  

I agree that she probably needs to work on that inner strength but to do that, sometimes you have to get rid of your crutch.  

I didn't strategize but did look at how I was living my life and if it matched what I wanted in the future.  I would venture a guess that the comfort level she has with her old boyfriend, roommate of many years has kept her somewhat complacent and stalled her ability to move on for real.  

[kendalmintcake]

Ehhhhhmmmm, ok, I had trouble dating when I was younger.  I just never played the game.  I just wonder if treating dating as a strategy is wise.  It is not like catching a fish, it is a natural process and the setup element I think can overshadow things, taint personalities and sort of compromises the honesty of the whole process - that is the chance meeting of a chemistry between two people.

Maybe twinky isn't strong and independent?  She's quite well educated, works hard etc, but she lives with some dude.  Ok, she's strong and independent professionally, but I would venture to guess that emotionally, she's not quite as accomplished as she is professionally.

time out - no offense her to Twinky, this is hypothetical - keep that in mind (besides she asked for brutality)

So, if this above hypothesis is correct, she may be setting up to deceive the guy.

Just be honest - it is what it is!

[specialmom]

Ya know, I am only called cute in reference to my looks but thanks.  

True, if a guy is interested, he'll put up with a lot but if you are having trouble dating, you have to set up the right situation.  I know that many men, even though I am not a man, would not see a woman as strong and independent or completely 'unattached' if she lived with an ex boyfriend.  

but all opinions are valid -----  yours, mine and every cute person that posts here.  

[kendalmintcake]

This forum is so cool.

OK, male opinion here.  You nice ladies are way over-analyzing this situation - like as in w w w w w way over analyzing.  I think it is cute that you are, so, here goes...

If the guys is interested, he is interested.  That's it!  If the room-mate poses a problem for the guy at first date, then you can expect a really complicated pairing.

Right?  Here is how we think.  Deal with step one first then deal with step two next.  Step one in this case is securing a date.  Now if the male room mate bothers this candidate, and the guys is trying to deal with step one (getting the date) and step 2 (removing the riff-raff roommate) at the same time, then you probably have a control freak on your hands as well as a terrible organizer who can't prioritize tasks and probably bugs the crap out of everyone anyway.

What else could you expect from this candidate, critisism, critique, eventual dissapproval.

To brutal honesty!

[specialmom]

I think that besides the web site (and there are others to consider as well) is actually getting OUT there and meeting people in person.  Take up a hobby-----  go to a health club and walk or do some light weights and meet men AND women (as having good female friends gives you more opportunities to go out and meet people------  you'll be more 'in the mix' and be able to mix and mingle and meet someone really the best way possible, in person!).  Join whatever you can-----  book clubs, bible study, gardening club, political group, volunteer organizations, self defence class, karate, etc.  Get busy and participate in things one on one.  Then you will get to know someone on a real level that isn't based on first impressions.  they'll get to know you and start to like you over time rather than having to like you immediately to go out.  I really recommend this.

I met my husband as a friend of a friend---------  not a fix up but out at a social event (a party for the garden group of our city, a big benefit party)---  he just happened to be there as was I and our mutual friend just happened to introduce us.  We then got together as friends and found we had a lot in common and began dating.  married almost 12 years now.  

People you meet through interests you have are the best way to find a good man in my opinion.  You don't necessarily have to ask them out but being where they are and getting to know them and then They as you out is great.  

Nothing wrong with dating sites but sometimes they don't pan out and shouldn't be your only avenue.  good luck

[twinkly84]

Hello,
Thank you all very much for your comments & opinions regarding how things are for me now that I'm back into the dating world.

Recently, as I'm back on Plenty of Fish, I have had men talk to me, e-mail me & one man even phoned me. however, not one man have I yet to meet "in real life". I am sorry but, I don't ask men out nor do I approach people for a date. Call me old-fashioned but, I don't care.

Seriously speaking, these last 2 weeks, I've made some fairly large changes in my life. I got my teeth fixed (it was a small problem but, got it taken care of), been more outgoing w/people since, I'm working in other departments, being utilized around by them and have been trying to be more open with my heart too.

Bottom line, we'll see what happens on POF. I am not anticipating or expecting anything b/c I've been let-down, brokenhearted & burned before.

Thanks though, for all of your thoughts.

[alyssahann]

halooo... what i can say to you.. no matter what you size is..the only important is.. make yourself confidence.. yeah you go girl!!!! make a changes for your appearance.. go sexy! go awesome..hangouts with friends..fill your activity with full of love.. im sure there is someone will accept you.. good luck!

[specialmom]

Oh, thank you so much for the kind words. :>)!!!  

I love med help for the fact that you have all sorts of people sharing what they feel would be helpful to someone and agree that posters can take what is useful and leave the rest.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I like Your first line Londres70, as it summarizes what I do.  I'm not offering "advice" per se, as much as I'm offering my "opinion" as relates to my "perspective" - my "perspective" is based on "my own personal" experience PLUS what I may feel I have learned along the way.    What works for me may not work for others and that's fine - SO -  When I do offer my "perspective" my attitude is:  Take what You can use and leave the rest - which is what I hope the poster is doing with all these different "perspectives".  
SpecialMom too offers Her "personal perspective" but Hers is also peppered with a lot of valuable "knowledge",  All of us might do well to pay attention when She speaks.

[Londres70]

Agree or disagree, people are entitled to their own perspective on this.  

My perspective is I would want someone who is living independently.  The career women I know are living alone or with their live-in bfs or husbands and that is NOT related to any financial situation.  I just think MOST people aren't going to be drawn to someone living with someone else of the opposite sex at the AGE of 39 plus it is with someone he/she has dated in the past.  Yes, times are hard for alot of people, but this living situation will be a definite "stumbling block" in MY opinion in regards to dating for a 39 year old.  My son lives by himself and he is 23 and doesn't have any "3" degrees.  In my opinion, having "3" degrees should put you well at the top.  Plus, the poster states she is a "workaholic" and has "traveled the world."  That doesn't reek "POOR" to me or in "NEED" of any roommate.  

I was in the dating world not too long ago and yes people usually give upfront and quickly their living arrangement situations.  Come to find out some people aren't really single, but are married or have an open relationship with their live-ins.  

Divulging your living arrangement is NOT the same as giving someone you barely know your address.  This is NOT giving away your "life history."  

Again to the poster, I don't think it is necessary to put this on your profile, but I do think you should be UPFRONT if asked.  

[specialmom]

She describes herself as a successful career woman.  

But frankly shell, I am allowed to have my opinion and that is encouraged here---  different opinions.  She is getting from me the perspective of SOME people she might date and she is getting from you a different perspective.  

We don't have to be right or wrong to give the poster something else to think about.  

I don't think two people (you and I) have to feel the same way about something.  

So got it, you'd have a roommate and would prefer it to be male and would be miffed if anyone who is going through a dating site to find a mate found that to be something they didn't care for.  Got it.  We'd probably not pick the same people on the dating site-----  not a bit deal.  Hopefully there are enough different types to go around.

But, I was giving advice to the poster that I felt would be helpful to her.  Sorry you don't agree but my advice stands.

[shell921]

Oh come on people in these hard economic times it's fine to have a roommate at age 39. If i was a single 39 year old woman I'd feel safer with a male roommate than a female one. IF asked about her living situation by a man she's on a first or 2nd date with all she needs to say is she has a roommate. If a man get to know her and wants to continue seeing her, then of course she should be upfront. I'm older and married many years but I have young nieces and young people today often go on a few dates with a person and nothing ever comes of it. You don't reveal your whole entire life history to someone on a first or 2nd date. It's just nonsense to do that. The person may not stick around.

[Londres70]

No, you're not picky Specialmom, I agree 100% with what you have said.  Independence speaks volumes.  

If a man told me he lived with his ex gf for several years and was 39 years old I would be running for the hills; there is NOTHING attractive about that situation. It is just as bad as some guy living with "mom" at age 39.  It is just too weird for me to digest.  

Hey, someone might accept this.  No need to put it out there on your profile, but if asked you need to be upfront with the man.  

[specialmom]

Ha.  It is okay to disagree with me.  

I think she has used her 'roommate' as a crutch by doing things with him that she'd like to do with a boyfriend/partner.  

And at 39, having a male roommate would be a turn off to a lot of potential dating folks.

Maybe I'm ultra picky.  I expected a man to own his own home, be self sufficient and would have been less interested in them if they still needed a roommate.  

In this case, if she 'just' had a roommate, that would be one thing.  But . . . she is having trouble meeting people.  I think living with a guy she dated and has been platonic companions with for many years will not be a great selling point for her dating life.  

[shell921]

I finally disagree with specialmom. I think if a man is so insecure about you having a male roommate you shouldn't be bothered with him. Plenty of people in their 20's & 30's have opposite sex roommates now a days.

[specialmom]

Okay, don't hate me------  but I think you should not be living with your friend.  He's become your companion of sorts and this has hindered you from being fully available (whether you really see that yet or not).  And now he hinders you in the dating world.

To tell you the truth--------  as a womanb that got married in my 30's (not much younger than you), a career woman, etc.--------  it would be a turn off to me that a man had a roommate let alone a roommate of the opposite sex.  I'm independent.  I want an independent man.  That is just me----  but if you are wanting to date people of your same age----  you'll meet a lot of professionals that might feel the same way.  

And it can be intimidating to have someone of the opposite sex as your roommate.  Awkward even.  AND, many would possibly not love that you two used to date.

So, I wouldn't put it on your profile and I'd try to find your own place.

Best advice I can give as a former single professional who met my now husband in my 30's.  good luck