After reading through other posts on here I wanted to share my story. I don't expect sympathy, I know what I've done is very wrong and absolutely hate myself for it but I really need help to move forward as I'm really struggling to live with my actions right now.
Yes, I have cheated in the past, with other boyfriends but always at the end of a relationship which I've then ended as obviously wasn't happy. My husband knows this and because of this has never trusted me, I've always told him I would never cheat on him and these other times were always at the end and I knew I couldn't carry on with the relationships afterwards as I felt so bad.
I've been with my husband for 2.5 years, we got married 7 months ago, I've known him most of my life but only got to know him properly when we started dating. He's such a great bloke and I know he would do anything for me. We've had issues in our relationship, a lot to do with his ex who lived very near to us who wouldn't let go and I did resent him for this but I don't think he ever did anything wrong, other than not stand up to her. He also went through a phase of being extremely grumpy and not speaking to me for days, turning his back in bed etc. which really hurt me.
I started a new job in April of last year and spent a lot of time away from home, I was so excited about our forthcoming wedding (last Sept) and couldn't wait for him to become my husband. In May I met someone at work who I clicked with and found myself really attracted to, I'm a terrible flirt at the best of times but for some reason with the wedding coming up I found myself flirting with everyone! After a drunken night out in June this guy confessed that he'd like to kiss me, to which I categorically told him that he couldn't and that yes, admittedly I could see there was some attraction between us, nothing could or would ever happen between us because I was getting married and there was no way I could do it. After many conversations the following week, drunk again I kissed him. I did stop this halfway through as I felt too bad and then spent a long time telling him why nothing could ever happen between us, which he seemed to accept. But as I was still working with him a lot I still saw him and still flirted with him, although kept reiterating how nothing could happen. He was in a position of power and i'll admit I was attracted to that and we spent a lot of time talking about work issues. One weekend in July I went away with my fiance and things were really bad between us (had been for a while), I'd almost had enough and wasn't sure I could carry on with the relationship as I felt completely unloved and unvalued (I realise now that my hubby had work issues and house stresses but we didn't communicate this at the time) and we even talked about splitting up at one point but I thought that we should still get married so didn't want to say much incase he changed his mind so close to the big day. Anyway, we got through this weekend but for whatever reason things were very up and down over the next few weeks, my fiance went away a lot with work and told me he preferred to be away from me and I again went away with work colleagues (including this guy), got very drunk and asked him to comfort me for the night (we never slept together as there was still no way that was going to happen) but we did share a bed stupidly. I told myself we were good friends and I wanted to feel close to someone again. He then went away on holiday (with his family!), I realised I didn't miss him at all and things got back on track with my fiance, we moved house (away from his crazy ex and it felt like a whole new relationship) we got married 6 weeks later and had the most perfect day and I vowed that from that moment I would be the best wife in the world. I felt so guilty on our honeymoon that I almost told him but I was still working with this guy, my hubby knew we were 'close' and I knew he would worry everytime i went to a meeting with him or spoke to him. I still worked with him until recently and in Feb I even met him for lunch and he was trying to flirt with me again but I made it crystal clear that I wasn't interested in the slightest and I felt soooooo guilty for even having lunch with him. I think it was because of this that it all came to a head a week or so later when this guy left the company and I just couldn't live with myself anymore and confessed all to my hubby as I couldn't live a lie any longer and we'd started getting on better than ever. He was understandably upset but as yet hasn't gone crazy and we are trying to work things through, we are actually getting on really well but I know he's feeling really let down (as I am also feeling of myself). I've been a complete wreck over this, stopped eating, didn't want to get out of bed, crying all the time and just cannot believe I've been so stupid. I still feel as though there's a huge dark cloud over my head and I just can't move on from this. I told my hubby I'd leave but he accused me of running away. I betrayed him, I spent a lot of time talking to and flirting with another man when I should have been talking to my fiance/husband.
More than anything I wish so much I could turn the clock back and make things better but I know that's not possible. I know it's what I do from now that counts and I am making a huge effort and my hubby has recognised that and is pleased but told me last night that I'd spoilt things (I know!!) and I know in his mind he's thinking that I was so drunk that night so did this guy take advantage of me. I absolutely hate myself and can't see how I'm going to get past it, i've thought at the lowest points that it would be better if I wasn't here, I never think like that as I love life and am so grateful for what I have but how can I live the rest of my life feeling like this?? yes I know it's my own stupid fault but right now I can't take back what I did. My husband is without doubt the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me and I'm so unbelievably selfish. I can see now that I took him for granted and didn't appreciate him as I should have but that's changed now and I'm doing everything I can to make him feel appreciated. I feel like screaming and just want to go back and change things and stop myself getting involved with this guy.
Please help.