Death of a friend

[jmelks8]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year.  In that time, he’s had a major surgery, lost his grandmother, lost his job, and a few days ago, a close friend of his died unexpectedly.  This most recent death has been pretty hard on him…he had known this friend since high school, so almost 20 years.  Even though they had not seen each other recently or hung out much, they did keep in touch.  

The funeral was yesterday, but my boyfriend has been pretty quiet since it happened, which is to be expected.  He wanted to see a movie the night after his friend died, so we did.  At one point, he got pretty hysterical during the movie and sobbed on me for several minutes.  It didn’t bother me or anything – and I wanted to make sure I comforted him as best as I could.  For the rest of the weekend, I only saw him at night, and we barely spoke the rest of the time.  I just sent him a text on Sunday night and told him I was praying for him and his friends.  He wrote me back and said thank you, he was still at a friend’s house, and it had been a very long day.

Yesterday I decided not to talk to him all day, and just let him come to me.  As I was leaving work he sent me a couple of text messages.  He just said that he had arrived home and had a very long day, and he was still trying to digest everything.  He said he was going to stay at home for the rest of the night, and he would call me sometime during the day to talk about our plans for the day.  Normally, today is our regular ‘date’ day.  It kind of worried me, because we never really make plans on Tuesdays…we sort of just hang out and do whatever.  It’s already 2:30pm, and I still have not heard from him.  I’m really starting to worry that he’s thinking about ending things with me, or something else is wrong.  This is really tearing me up inside – all I want to do is help him.  As much as I want to, I’m not going to contact him.  We are supposed to go on a road trip in a couple of days, and he’s said nothing about it, and I’m really afraid to bring it up.  

[brice1967]

I'll go about this a little differently.  I'm not trying to tear you down, I just want to point a few things out to you.  Let's just say that your intuition is correct and that he was indeed involved with this other person, emotionally.  (If it's true, it is tragic and sad.)  You've broken up with this man and found it necessary to write to him, one last time and throw your accusation at him and then block him from replying.

That is a little passive/aggressive.  It's like you want validation for how you feel, but now you won't give him the time of day to actually either give you the validation you want or deny the situation.  Whatever the case may be, the relationship is over and you do need to move on.

If you're meeting new people, good on you.  But if I were you, I'd stay away from intimacy for a while.  Work on you and your issues.  You need to be far more strong and secure with who you are before getting involved in an intimate situation.

Good luck.

[nursegirl6572]

" did send him a very brief email a couple of days ago, just telling him I knew what had been going on, and that my intuitions were right. I immediately blocked his email - I don't need a response."

You sent your EX bf an email accusing him of something you've conjured up based on their facebook activity?  You don't have proof of anything to lay out accusations.  

You then have gone on to assume the two of them are together, she's meeting his family, but maybe he won't be able to commit to her because she lives so far away.  You created an entire scenario based on the FB clues.  I think that should be very telling to you....you're a bit on the paranoid and distrustful side.  You have a whole elaborate, detailed story figured out in your mind, based on NOTHING factual.

The weirdest thing to me is...it isn't any of your business!  YOU broke up with HIM!  He has every right to do what he wants.  I think e-mailing him was petty and childish.  Blocking a response was even worse.

For once and for all, leave this man alone.  Move on.  He's not your concern anymore!  I really think you need to work on your jealousy/possiveness issues before you find yourself in another relationship doing the exact same things.  I'm sorry...no offense intended, but you're making yourself look very bad!

[jmelks8]

Thank you, but I'm not sure you saw my last comment.  He and I are no longer together.

[gorgouse]

Hi ive read ur message snd i totally agree with everything thst everyones said and u have to just be ther for him right now n let him come to you whrn hes ready to let him grief in his own time and in his own way just be there for him and do as the other very sensable members hsve advised you to to i couldnt have said and put it much better myself and i advice excactly the same advice snd serjest that you sit and think of and about if the role and situation was reaversed and all thst gad hapoend to you snd he was acting and being selfish a bit like you you need to think and be there for him in the ways that everyones adviced and i agree with all that advice aswell and advice the same. He beeds you right now its so hard for him yove got to remember and think of just how much and all that. Hes. been through  and how long hed known his friend. Just do as everyones advicedand im dure everything will be fine and would slso advice that you go yo see yoyr focter and tel them how you feel and ask for councilling to help you dort it sll out ect ok good luck

[jmelks8]

Hi everyone:  I know it's been almost a couple of months since I posted, but since everyone was so helpful to me, I wanted to give an update.
  
I found out my ex might not have been such a great guy after all – I think he cheated on me emotionally while we were together. About 5 months ago, we went to visit his best friend, who brought a girl he had just started dating. They didn't last long after the trip, but my ex and I both liked her and kept in touch. She and I talked on the phone & Facebook once in a while, and I just sent her a msg 2 weeks ago.  A few days ago, I noticed she was no longer my friend. When I looked at her page, she had indeed deleted me, and she just added a new friend: MY EX'S SISTER IN LAW!!  If they were just platonic, why would she need to delete me?  Our common friends said he deleted them from FB as well.  I guess he had never stopped talking to her after our trip. He told me a couple of times that she called him, and talked to him on FB but it seemed harmless at the time.  It stings, since we've been apart for less than 2 months, and she's already meeting family. Especially since it took me almost 5 months to meet them.

However, I do know this girl lives 11 hours away, so if he didn't want to commit to me, I have a feeling he will do the same with her...especially since he still doesn't have a job.  The girl he dated before me lived 6 hours away.  I'm starting to think he likes keeping girls at a distance, and maybe that's why his feelings seemed wishy washy with me.  

I had accused him of wanting to be with someone else before we broke up, and it appears my feelings were valid.  I did send him a very brief email a couple of days ago, just telling him I knew what had been going on, and that my intuitions were right. I immediately blocked his email - I don't need a response. I'm just glad now I have confirmation, and I wanted him to know.  

I’m trying hard not to take this personally, and I was honestly doing well until I saw this info on FB.  I can't understand why he would want to date his friend's ex, or why he just couldn't tell me he met someone else.  He kept telling me he couldn't stand to lose me in his life and he didn't want anyone else - but what if I had waited around and found out they were dating?  I still would've been angry.  He acted like he couldn't handle a relationship right now, but now he's dating someone who lives so far away?  The questions are looming with me, but I know I need to put this behind me.  Whatever he's doing isn't about me, or a reflection on me.  In the short term, it makes me feel like after a year together and supporting him through everything, I meant so little to him and I'm easily thrown away.  The last several weeks I've been going out and meeting new friends and really focusing on myself.  I've had several people tell me I seem happier and I look better than I have in months.  I'm going to continue working on myself, but I do think I’m going to have a hard time trusting someone in the future.  I would’ve never thought in a million years he would do something like this.  Of course, it’s 10x worse because I also know her, and I was friends with her too.  I don’t want to go through life paranoid, but I guess you really truly never know someone, and next time I'll trust my gut ☺  

[nursegirl6572]

I think he's just so overwhelmed with life and tragedy right now, and I think maybe this move was for the best.

I'm sorry about your break up....but hopefully you will learn from this.  If you read back in your last post...it reads SO much as if this were just ALL about you.  I don't think there was room for him or his issues in the relationship, to be honest.  I'm not trying to be hurtful...just tell you like I see it.

I really hope you use this as a learning experience.  You did eventually do the right thing by just being there for him and give him space, but I think it came too late.  And, when he made one final request...to slow things down because he just cannot handle the extent of the relationship right now...you break up with him.  I'm willing to bet he's probably not sure what the hell happened...but in some ways, I bet he is slightly relieved.

Continue to get that help to work on the issues YOU have identified...the insecurity, etc.  You'll be much better equipped for the next relationship.  Again, sorry about the break up...they hurt.

[brice1967]

Well, I'm sorry that it came to this but it is probably for the best.  I think you spending time on you is real important right now.  If he "needs space" and keeps bringing it up, that isn't fair to you, is it?  

We're either doing this, or we're not.... that is fair.  

He has his issues that he has to come to terms with and honestly, besides giving him room and support, there's nothing you can do.  This is is baby and he needs to nurse it.  A lot of guys are reluctant to address problems like this and that is too bad.

Right or wrong?  I'm nobody to judge but at the very least, you've made a move and life will move on from this moment.

Chin up!

[jmelks8]

Thanks Brice and Londres:  Just wanted to let you know that I ended my relationship with him last night.  I had asked him on Sunday to give me a couple of days to think about what he said - I thought long and hard about some of the issues we'd had over the past year.  

Maybe I am a bit selfish, but I feel I have given so much of myself to him and I've been there more than anyone else in his life this year.  I feel when most couples have been in relationship for a while, they usually grow closer  and it seemed like that wasn't happening lately.  I wasn't so much upset he didn’t talk to me very much last week, but I knew something had just been 'off.'  He told me on Sunday night he had wanted to talk to me for about 3 weeks, but it wasn’t until last week or so I really noticed a change.  The last time we had this conversation in May, I gave him space, and it drove him crazy.  He kept calling, texting, and emailing.  Before I knew it we were back into the swing of our relationship, and it appeared to be better than ever.  In fact, a month ago, he told me he didn't want to move away for a job so that he could be close to me, and his family.  This last go-round, I felt very much the opposite...he wasn't keeping in touch with me nearly as much.  I was more upset he didn't at least send a message saying "I need some time alone" or SOMETHING.  I was also upset that he continued being intimate with me, and acting normal when he wasn’t ‘sure’ about us.  I just feel like after a year, you don't ask someone to slow down a relationship, or completely ignore them just because you're overwhelmed.  

I felt especially confused that he waited until now to tell me he loved me.  When I went to his house last night, I had already prepared myself to end things with him.  He kissed me on the forehead and asked me to have dinner with him.  I immediately told him, "I can't do this anymore." He looked really surprised...We talked for a bit and I told him everything I described above, and he agreed.  He said he knows he hasn't been able to commit to relationship the way I need, and he's fully aware of it.  Again, he said he knows he loves me, but he is so uncertain of everything right now.  He still kept saying he didn't want to lose me, but I know I can't do a glorified friendship.  A part of me felt like he made excuses with some of the things he said.  He asked if we would ever see each other again and I told him I didn't know.  I did get a little upset toward the end, and I just walked out of his house.  He followed but never caught up with me.  I drove away and haven't heard from him since.  

I don't know if he will contact me in the future, but I think for now we both need to focus on ourselves.  If it's meant to be, it'll all work out in the end.
Thank you again for all the advice/assistance you've provided me!!!

[Londres70]

I think you stated in a previous post back in May that he wanted to take things down a "notch" in regards to your relationship with him, so this is the second time he has told you this.  

I would assume give him space; sounds like he wants you there more as a friend now.  This man is extremely overwhelmed with where he is at in life and I would agree with Brice and say he does sound somewhat depressed.

I think he just wants to cool things down because he doesn't feel he is able to give what he needs to give in regards to a "full"  relationship and not because he doesn't love you.  

Your statement....."I'm afraid of putting more effort into this 'cooled off' relationship and still end up getting hurt." ......well, that will be your judgement call to end it or not.  The only way not to get hurt in a relationship is to not be in one.  In other words, there is always a chance you may be hurt in a relationship or by a relationship ending.    

He is just going through so much right now and unfortunately a romantic relationship cannot be the main focus for him.....basically, he is telling you this.  

Well....talk with him tonight and see what he says.  

[brice1967]

I'd guess that there are no guarantees about getting or not getting hurt in any relationship.  (Let me back track a little....) He sounds very confused and I think that is adding to the confusion that you are finding right now.  Is he seeing a therapist?  It might not be a bad idea for him to do so, to get his things in order so he can either move forward with or without you.  I'm no doctor, but this man has all of the tell tale signs of depression and he should be seeing a professional.

Back to not getting hurt.  I don't know what anyone can do to not risk getting hurt in any relationship.  All relationships are based on so many different things and if any one of those things are removed or tampered with, there is probably going to be some level of hurt.

I think your wise to give this man the space he needs and ask him to seek the help of a professional.  I personally do not see a reason to give up the whole relationship at this point, but then again, I am not living the relationship either.  (You've got to do what you've got to do.)

[jmelks8]

Thanks for the comments!! This past week I noticed him being more quiet than ever, but I didn't press or bug him...I sent a text or two each day letting him know I was thinking of him.  He told me last night that I handled his feelings perfectly.

We had a great date on Friday. We finally talked last night, and it was very similar to a conversation we had a few months ago.  He said he's mostly feeling pressure of not having a job, because he's been looking for 6 months. He still has money, but starting to wonder how much longer this will play out. When his friend died a couple of weeks ago, he went to visit his widow, and her family. He said all he could think about was our relationship. Recently he's seen a lot of his old friends from high school, and most have kids now and really nice homes. He feels like a failure because he doesn't know when or if he will ever have those things too. He said over the past year, I've been his rock and his constant but he feels terrible because he doesn't know for sure where things are headed with us due to the ambiguity of his life - and his friends death has really made him think more about these things. He feels terrible when he retreats into his 'cave' because he knows he isn't being a strong man right now.

When we started talking, he told me how much he loved me - and it was the first time in our relationship he's told me that. He also said he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't feel like we should have a full relationship with sex, regular dates, etc.  He wants us to stop being intimate for a while, and not spend as much time together but he still wants to have regular contact with me. He said he's searching for clarity with his entire situation and he needs to deal with one thing at a time. I told him I won't just 'hang out' nor will I continue the relationship as friends - it would hurt to see him moving on. He started crying and said he's not moving on, and doesn't want anyone else.  But, he made the comment several times that he's afraid he will lose me.

It's hard because we've already invested a year into this, and we've spent a lot of time with each other's families.  Of course, we care for each other very much.  He wants to get together and talk again tomorrow, and decide where to go from here. I really do care for him a lot, but I feel like I need to move on.  I'm afraid of putting more effort into this 'cooled off' relationship and still end up getting hurt.  This new relationship would require solid communication, something I'm not sure he can deliver now.  If nothing else, I should cut off contact with him for at least 2 weeks, and give us both time to reflect. Any advise is appreciated...

[brice1967]

You're welcome.  With your last post, you painted a bigger picture.  Stress at work and perhaps previous issues that have caused you to feel insecure end up getting all jumbled up.  It seems as if somehow it is all related... but we know it's not.  All of these things are separate issues and need to be handled separately.  It's doable, but it takes time.

I think its great that you two got to talk and I think it's better that you let him do most of the talking.  It allowed him to get some things off his chest and allowed you a better opportunity to see where he is coming from.

I think you going to see a therapist is a great idea.  This will be an outside person who you can unload all that is bothering you, and not have to worry about how, when, if it will affect your relationship with your boyfriend.

[Londres70]

I think therapy is well in order to help you sort all this out.  

It's almost as if you think you aren't "good enough" and you are puttting unnecessary pressure on yourself.  

Well...anyways.....do this therapy and hopefully this will improve the situation within you.  

[jmelks8]

Thanks everyone.  Brice, thank you for the comments about your friend.  It helps to put things in perspective for me, and to try and understand where my boyfriend is coming from.  It's not that I haven't lost anyone close to me in my life, but I haven't lost a good friend so suddenly.  We just got back from a weekend trip a few hours ago, and he talked to me quite a bit about his friend while we were gone.  He told me he knew his mind had been somewhere else lately, and just about every free minute he's had in the past several days has been spent thinking about his friend.  I let him do most of the talking, and I told him anytime he wanted to share his thoughts with me, I would be here to listen.

Anna, I can totally relate to what you wrote...everything you said is exactly what's going on in my head.  I don't want my boyfriend to ONLY lean on me for comfort, but when I feel like he runs elsewhere, I don't want want him to feel like that's his only option.  I want him to know I'm here for him too.  

I think part of the issue is my professional life has unfortunately bled into my personal situations.  For several years, I moved all over the country for my job and I was always looking for the 'next big thing.'  I suddenly got to a point where I realized my life was starting to center more around me than those I cared about, and I took a huge leap and moved closer to my family.  I had only been in my current city for 2 months when I met my boyfriend.  It's not that I don't have other friends, I do...but unfortunately most of my best friends live far away.  I've made several friends here and I do hang out with them quite a bit, but my boyfriend has been my constant since moving here.  I've been with my current company since grad school, and have always been able to move up the ladder easily.  I'm now in a job that I despise, and I'm trying to make a decision on whether or not to take another job with them, or leave completely.  Because of the time/resources I've invested, it's been a very difficult decision.  It's also been hard to admit that I just can't do this job - and I know my coworkers see me struggling - something I've never dealt with before in my entire career.  I feel like my coworkers don't think I'm a stellar employee and I CONSTANTLY worry about what they think.  I think my insecurities at work have also led me to have insecurities in my relationship.  It's almost like I've tried to focus more on my relationship so that I don't focus on work all the time.  I have always been a very strong, independent person, but the past year has made me question everything about myself...why am I failing at work?  do my friends think I'm as fun as I used to be?  does my boyfriend care about me as much as he says he does?  am I being a good daughter/sister to my family?  

I have definitely felt/heard myself being needy or pushy lately, and I have never had these issues in the past.  I walk away from my boyfriend quite a few times thinking, 'did I really just say that?'  I can only imagine what he's thinking, and the last thing I want to do is push him away with my neediness.  I'm going to start seeing a counselor soon for my work issues, at least for now.  I'm really hoping once I focus on that part of my life, and I've made a clear decision on my professional situation, I think it will take some of the focus away from my personal life.  I really do want what's best for my boyfriend, and that includes having a healthy relationship between us, and those outside our relationship.    

[Kayannaboo]

Your boyfriend sounds like he has gone through some major life altering series of events and he is just trying to figure out which way is up. He is internally, trying to talk himself down, he is internally trying to come up with the answer to the 'what now?' question. He wants to pull himself together, before he can deal with you right now. I doubt that you are a selfish person, I do not read that on you. However, what I do is read is that you are an insecure person and sadly, it can come across of selfishness.

I am extremely insecure and so, according to my family and friends, I am b itchy, moody and self-centered. In reality, I would do anything for a friend or my family members, I will sacrifice my time and what I want, for them, but I need constant reassurance and I always need to be THAT person in the lives. The one who is always important and first choice. I am not proud of that but I am a work in progress as I am sure you are as well. Perhaps I would be the same way that you are about your bf right, always thinking he's going to leave me until he tells me he is not or make me feel like he is not through actions, like always needing you.

I have come to a sudden realization that, hey, its all about us and our constant need to know that we are number 1 on the list. I think what's bugging you is the fact that you WANT to be there for him but you feel he doesn't want you to be there by not coming around. You wanna be the one he cries to and talks to and all and when he doesn't come around for you to show him that you are the one, it makes you feel INSECURE. There are other ways to show that you are there without being pushy or coming off as selfish ok? Send him text messages, call him on the phone and keep the call short, just let him know you are thinking of him and that you are there when he needs you. Buy him a card or something he likes and ask him to pick it up when he can without requiring him to stay or take it to him and keep the visit light as to not bombard him.


xoxoxo Anna

[brice1967]

I am trying to find a way to not sound offensive when I say this.  I don't know if there is a way to not sound offensive, so please take this with a grain of salt.  

With all of the other things going on in your relationship, perhaps he feels like he cannot bring additional stress into the situation.  You are already wondering if he is going to leave and there doesn't seem to be any evidence of that in anything that you've written here.... so perhaps he feels that if he brings any outside problems in, you'll stress out over that too.  Essentially, that is what you are doing except you are stressing that he isn't coming to you.

When anyone is grieving, the very last thing you should want to do is say "what about me?".  None of that is about you, and you have to realize that.  You cannot always project yourself as the center of the universe.  Grieving is a process and it takes time.  

As for the future.... nobody knows, but you can direct yourself down a healthy or unhealthy path.  Worrying about what MIGHT happen in the future is going to keep you from living a normal life.  You MIGHT win the lottery, you MIGHT get a new car, you MIGHT go through a horrible loss of your own..... You need to address this with a professional.  You cannot continue to live your life worrying about all of the what ifs.  What if none of the what if's happen.....  now you've spent your life worrying about things that didn't happen.  

That is no way to live.  Please address this with a mental health pro.

[nursegirl6572]

I think it's good that you've recognized that perhaps you're being insecure and are willing to seek some help for it.  That's a great first step.

You have to remember something else, while you two may have grown close, a YEAR is not that long.  He may just not be at the point yet in the relationship where he's comfortable exposing his vulnerabilities and deep dark feelings with you.  That, coupled with perhaps his fear that he will have to answer to you about relationship issues, or why he isn't spending as much time with you as he should, he may just find he's more comfortable turning to others when these really significant losses occur.  

What's important now is that you be very honest with yourself about YOUR role in all of this, the possibility that a lot of your views could be over-reactions, and then try to fix the part of this that YOU have accountability for.

You could even, when the time is right (not now), have a very honest conversation with him and flat out ask him why he hasn't turned to you more, and ask if it has anything to do with YOU or how you've acted.  A frank discussion may get some things out in the open, and then you can start dealing with them.

Good luck to you, just keep letting him know you're thinking of him, and say things like, "please let me know if there's anything I can do, I'm here for you, any time, day or night."  Then, leave it at that.  I bet he'll appreciate the gesture AND a little space, as I'm sure your relationship is the last thing on his mind right now.

[Londres70]

Maybe he isn't coming to you right away when these unfortunate situations happen because you are going into some "me" mode and the situation or attention is taken off his situation at hand and put on you.  

OR

Sometimes a person can find solace with more than one person.  I think you want him to ONLY need you during these unfortunate times and NO ONE else.  

You better get it together and get a handle on this behavior of yours.  

I can't say he will decide to stay with you forever because I don't know the future, but at this time he seems very devoted to you and if this ends it will probably be related to this nonsense of yours.

GET YOURSELF TOGETHER DEAR.  

[jmelks8]

Thanks for the comments, I do appreciate it.  I did read what I read and honestly it did sound insecure, and uncaring.  I did leave out the fact I did text him several times and told him I was thinking of him, and that he should take as much time as he needed, and I would be here for him when he was ready to talk.  I did check on him daily, and he did call me each day up until the funeral.  

We hung out last night and had a very long talk about his friend.  I stayed with him this morning and came into work late, and I think he really appreciated it.  

I guess what has bothered me over the past year is that he seems to find solace in other people when something bad happens, rather than me.  I'm not sure why he feels like he can't talk to me about certain things, or why he runs elsewhere for comfort.  He does always come back to me eventually, but it's just hard to deal with in the short term.  My fear is that he feels like he can't talk to me or he may feel like I'm not strong enough to take on his stresses.  Over time if he continues to feel that way, he may decide to leave.  I just want him to know that I really am here for him, and I want to make him feel like he can talk to me about anything.  Please don't think I haven't been supportive of him, he even told me yesterday that he appreciated me giving him some space.  When he said he would call, and then didn't, I wasn't sure I should take initiative in that situation and call him - it might look like I don't care, but I'm really just trying to give him a chance to come to me, since that's what it seems he wants.  But I don't want to 'bug' him or make him feel like he has to talk to me, yet I also don't want to come across as neglectful.  It's just hard for me in these situations to know if I'm doing too much or too little.

FYI...I've also decided to see a counselor for some of my insecurity issues.  

[brice1967]

I lost a good buddy about 5-6 years ago.  If I wasn't at work or doing something with my family, I was doing something with my friend.  This guy, the epitome of health (or so it looked) died... no warning signs or anything.  Not only was this guy a great friend, but he worked for me and was one of my most trusted employees.  In a sense, it was a double loss.

That was real hard to get over.  If fact, I still think about the guy today and cannot believe he's gone.  Obviously, as times gone by, its easier to deal with and I know that I can't change it, so I deal with the loss.

As I mentioned above, there is not a text book on mourning the loss of a friend or loved one.  There just isn't, and all of the advice above is so, so sound.  This guy has the right to get this behind him so he can move forward.  

It seems like you regularly make these quantum leaps where you boyfriend has some trauma and you assume that he is going to break up with you.  You can probably cause him to break up with you by constantly trying to inject yourself and your insecurities in places they don't belong.... like his traumas.  

Have you considered some therapy?

[nursegirl6572]

I think you need to reread Londre's last post above OVER AND OVER.  After reading what she wrote, I went and browsed through your prior threads about your BF.  

There is a common denominatior in a LOT of this drama, and I'm sorry to say but I think it's you and your insecurities.  Your BF sounds like a saint.  Every time he's going through a rough time in your life, you seem to WANT to be supportive, but always end up with tunnel vision without how everything affects YOU. "Is he going to stay with me?", "When will he call me or text me?"  " I think he should be spending more time with me."...those kins of statements.

I think a great idea is for you to go back and read through your prior threads, and see if you see it.  I think he's been trying for a while to always do right by you, try to please you, even despite when HE has got a lot going on in his life.

A lot of people are insecure in relationships, but you have to be very careful.  Your worst fears may be realized, you just may end up pushing him away for good.  During one of these times when he just needs you to be patient, and needs you to let him do what he needs to do and act the way he needs to act, he's going to come to resent you that you continue to not be able to see past your insecurities, and making a lot of things all about you.

I wish you well.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I, at one point in my life, went through a difficult time and mourned a terrible loss.  During that time, my relationships with people were difficult to maintain or deal with.  I was busy licking my own wounds and trying to get over the horrible feelings I was having.  I couldn't deal with any issues or making someone else feel loved by me and frankly at times felt like just getting through the day was hard.  

This may be kind of how your boyfriend is feeling.

My best advice is to text him and say simple "I care.  I'm here if you need me.  Take all the time you need to heal and if you need any help from me, let me know.  I'll pray for you.  Love, X"  And I would just send  him thoughtful messages like that with absolutely no pressure to get together or to 'make things like they were', etc.

I can tell you that the idea of going on a lovey dovey weekend away with someone when I was going through my loss was impossible to comprehend.  It is nearly impossible to act jovial when you feel really down and I bet he knows that is your deep down hope for him.  That he'll snap out  of it.  But this takes time.

Just relax and understand that none of this is about you.  I ignored lots of people during my tough time.  I just couldn't 'deal' as I was trying to cope with my own feelings.  If you push too hard, he may walk away right now just because he can't take any more 'issues'.  Give him time and it may take a couple of months or so.  Peace and good luck

[Londres70]

Dear, dear.......you keep repeating this "he is going to break up with me" song AGAIN.  As soon as he doesn't contact you at a certain time or on a certain day you hit this "panic button" and go into "freak out" mode.  

You said this AFTER he had surgery, you said this AFTER he lost his job/business and now you are saying this AFTER he lost a close friend.  

Cut him some "slack" and give the man a BREAK.  

The man has a life crisis or something devastating happening to him and all you can think of is he didn't call me OR he didn't see me today OR he is going to dump me/leave me.  

Please DON'T give this man the "3rd degree" when he finally contacts you.  You need to lose this frame of mind/behavior BEFORE you ruin a perfectly GOOD relationship.  

You need to reread what you wrote so that you can realize how insensitive this sounds.  

Not being harsh.... I just don't want you to drive this man away.  Like I said before he is a keeper.  

[brice1967]

No offense, but it's a pretty long leap to "ending it" compared to where he is and what has recently gone on.  Some people go into full retreat mode when something like this happens.  It's grieving, and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

I'd guess if your relationship was strong before this recent incident, it'll remain strong.  What you need to do is sound supportive.  Tell him you're thinking of him.  Let him know you care and are there for him when he needs you.

If there are no issues in the relationship, I'd bet all is well.