Does my bf really love and respect me??

[hottie069]

Hello, i really need some feed back, i have been with my bf for nearly 6 months, he doesnt always stay out of trouble and he has had run ins with the policehe also doesnt have a job and is on benefits,, but that isnt really the problem, the problem is, i seem to be making all the moves and doing the running, example: he never rings me to ask how i am, i always seem to txt him, then i can never garantee a reply it all depends how he is feeling at the time, he says im stupid and have a big mouth because i talk to our friend about things ie us moving in together, he says i shouldnt have an opinion about anything and it would be easier and less hassle if i didnt say anything! i tell him that he hurts my feeling with things he says but he doesnt seem to care and just takes the p*ss! on the other hand when we are together we are good together and have great times but when we are apart i can never garantee if he will be in a good mood with me, if he will answer my messages or even open the front door if i went round to see him, also i only ever see him on his terms and when he can be botherd, i am actually now 6 wks pregnant with his baby and i do love him so much but and i am very concerned about our future, do you think this guy is reliable and actually loves me like he says he does or is he just keeping me just were he wants me?? i need your help i dont know wot to do, i also have 2 boys from a previous relationship

[frito_joe]

Wow, what a situation.  I would seriously leave this guy.  You can't make a "rebel" into the loving, caring dad you want this guy to be.  It sounded from the "get-go' that he just doesnt give a sh** about you and what you are about to give birth to.  Remember Something Extremely IMPORTANT:  If ths guy was actually a lot more mature than what he is NOW, he would be in a better "Frame of Mind" to be a Father to this child/children ( I am a twin...).  Because of the road ahead, you have sosme REAL tough choices to make.  Remember to come and read all our posts to you and FOCUS on your kids.  You need to be a good model for them, from swearing and behavior to being a good citizen.  THAT will really help ya out.  Doing YOUR best and KNOWING that you are doing your best, will enable you to look back on your accomplishments and simply smile at your what ya did. :)  You will do ok.  Just do your BEST and you will be happy, hottie.  I wish you Good Luck.  Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays!! :)

[hottie069]

i have been thinking alot about the future and it doesnt look certain, however he see's nothing wrong and that we are great together, which we are most of the time but there are serious problems and with another life in the picture things have took a dramatic change,  i have alot to think about, i was going to talk to him today but he is "busy" as usual and no time for me, also i said about him staying at mine with me tonite and he said he already has plans and obviously i see that they dont involve me, we have only known about the baby for 2 weeks and already looks like the novelty is wearing off, i think i am starting to hear the alarm bells that everyone else has been hearing and i think its time i started listening!! thankyou for all ure comments xx

[fariasgirl]

if you have this baby, and stay with the father, i can say, i have the same experience your child will most likely have... My mom and dad were together 6 months before they got married... 7 years before they had me... I dont know what mom was thinking, honestly... dad hung out with the guys, all the time.. would wake up at 4am to go hunting or fishing, but when she wanted to do something, she did it alone, if she did it at all... He would leave her with his mom, who liked to talk about how much better her son would be if he married someone else... Yet she had me... She went through 7 years of hell, and then had a kid... when i was a baby, he left me at home with mom because i cried "all the time" when really, ive heard stories that i was a sound baby... he worked on his old cars and old trucks, never finishing them, just tooling around... he went for weeks at a time with his friends to old car shows or corvette shows... he did everything for everyone else... as i got older, he watched tv... i think i remember 3 family vacations in my 20 years... to this day, i can say something to him, and he wont remember what it was 5 minutes later because the tv was on... I came home one night, walked in the door, dad was fine... mom got upset because i did something i wasnt supposed to do, so he started yelling at me.. nearly hit me... I seen how miserable my mom was... i wondered why she never got a divorce... she "loves" him... Dad always had a job though... but he told mom he didnt want her working... i see her never get new clothes, new things for the house, but he can get anything, a new car, new 4wheeler, just about anything he wants... She doesnt work... he pays her an allowance that she uses to pay the bills... I was always provided for... so i dont have a horrible relationship with either of my parents.. its not great, not by far, but not horrible... if it wasnt for my mom giving everything she had to me, i would have nothing though... It was hell sometimes... i wanted them to be seperated... I wanted to see my mom happy with someone else...
So honestly, for the sake of your kids, if i were in your shoes, id leave... mainly because i know what its like to have a father who doesnt give two sh*ts... If i were you, id realize that im a strong person, that i have had two kids and can make it through another one, that even if i did give the child up, it wouldnt go through h*ll...
If you do stay with this guy, let him know that you have something he wants... you have something that belongs to him, and make him fight like h*ll for it... make him show you how important you are and ALL of your kids are before you let him any closer... dont move in with him until he can show you that you are important and worth the phone call, even if its just to say "hi"
I have to laugh though, because i hated tekos responses to things for a while, but i have to say on this one, shes right on the money... Raindelay did a great job of explaining out what teko said in few words lol, and did so very beautifully...
in the sense of adoption, my aunt couldnt have kids, she just adopted a baby... she is the happiest that i have ever seen her... Adoption is a wonderful thing...
Whatever you choose, i wish you the best of luck... just think of the big picture and how things will be years and years from now...

[raindelay]

Good luck hottie, I wish you success.  Make sure to keep it rationale, factual, and don't let him lead you astray with side issues.  Stay to the main topic.  I would recommend you write to yourself about what you want to accomplish with him.  I have done this for many years in terms of journaling.  Write your feelings out on the computer with a password protection on the document so no one can access  it.  You're going to need an outlet anyways to help you make sense of his way of turning things around on you.  You have to be one step ahead of him.

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems or as good as it appears......

[hottie069]

you are very rite and i do need to talk to him as of present i havnt really said much to him, he always tells me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have a family, and i have confronted him about whether he loves my boys too and he said he has always loved them even before we was together which is good, but actions do speak louder than words, he is very hard to talk to and get things across to, he is very good at turning things around and making me agree with him, and that i am in the wrong all the time, i think need to be stronger, and really i dont think he has a clue in the daily life of having a child and he needs to learn that pretty quick we are on a time limit now as you well know, i think talking is the best solution and i do need to really talk to him, my dad also wants to talk to him as fathers do when its something to do with there little girl, and really if he doesnt agree to that then i see a very big problem, i will try and talk to him over the weekend and will let you know how it goes, once again thankyou so much for ure support and help i am so gratefull

[raindelay]

Well, you need to have a very, very important heart-to-heart with this young man.  What you need him to do is grow-up very quickly and demonstrate that he's ready for the privilege of being a Daddy, not just to 'his' baby but to your other two boys.  

What I heard you say is that he's excited about becoming a daddy and he's told his parents and friends about this but what you haven't said is that he's telling you how much he loves you and is excited about your life together.  He hasn't told you that he loves your other two sons as well and will be a good father to them all.  He hasn't laid out his plan on how he's going to get a job and stop being a malcontent with the police.

He's excited about being a daddy, great, now show some excitement in terms of actions.

You have to lay it on the line to him in a direct but non-confrontational way.  You both need a plan on how you are going to handle parenthood, pay the bills, divide responsibilities, and get your life going together.  Otherwise your just carrying the object of his current excitement and you'll be kicked to the curb when the excitement wears off.  And, as you know, the excitement starts to wear thin night-after-night of crying, nappy changes, teething, and other issues.  Not to mention the fact that you're not exactly going to be "Miss Jump My Bones" after having a child, nursing all day, and trying to raise three kids.

Reality is reality.  You need him to be there for you and these kids when the going gets tough not just during the Mr. Excitement phase.

[hottie069]

I thankyou so much for ure very wise words and you are helping me alot, i did think about the adoption thing as my father was actually adopted too, the trouble is my boyfriend is very excited about becoming a daddy he was so happy when i told him, even tho i am somewhat apprehensive, he has told his parents and friends which is why it is making my decision 100 times worse, i really am in a horrible situation, i have told my parents and they arent happy either, they think i will end up a single mum again with 3 kids in a years time as my bf cannot support me financially and very doubtful he will be there emotionally either but i do really love my bf, and i do so love my boys and maybe i should just spend more time with them, i wish in my heart that my bf would commit properley like i know i have seen it happen on occasions and he is the best man in the world, thats why i find it hard to except he isnt that person

[raindelay]

Beck is right, abortion is a personal choice.  I could never recommend a person to have an abortion and at the same time I cannot judge a person who has had one.  Abortion is one of those things whereby you can't judge until you have walked in someones shoes.

I am personally not for abortion because I have three little kids who I love dearly.  In my younger days I certainly played roullette with various girlfriends regarding pregnancy but had always committed myself to do what is right (I finally wised up and realized that "what is right" is ensuring that one of us used reliable birth control).

Let me hit you in the head plainly with what I see.  You've got yourself into quite a fix and there are no easy solutions.  The solution you want is for this guy to become something he's not going to become.  You want to provide a stable family for your two boys and your new child.

But, you have to face the fact that your guy is not 'that guy' is he?  You wish he was and I wish for you but the evidence is not very compelling in that direction.

The evidence shows that you've got to plan your life with two boys from one father and another child from another father as well as a life without this father being involved.  That means that you had better get yourself in order real fast to take care of these kids.

Honestly, I think you need to forget this guy and start looking at yourself and how you're going to raise these three kids perhaps on your own.   You 'reality' has shifted now.

Have you considered adoption?  There are many, many people who are dying for children because they can't have children.  If you are opposed to abortion why not consider allowing this child to go to a good home?  My wife is adopted and I thank God everyday that her mother gave her up so that her adopted family could raise her.  She also understands that it wasn't a good time for her mother and is thankful that she was adopted rather than aborted.

Since you're in the UK your child would end up in a good home.  In the US we have a severe need for children to be adopted.  That's another thought for you.

That would allow you to concentrate on your two boys and your future while not having to violate your principles regarding abortion.  And, you get to get rid of the boyfriend and start working on establishing a meaningful relationship.

Of course, your current boyfriend may want the baby but it doesn't sound like that's the case.  In the US, the decision to give the baby up for adoption would be the mothers choice if she's not married (I could be wrong there but I believe it is the case).

It sounds like you also need to think about the 'profile' of the kind of guys you're attracted to.  You may be a person who is attracted to the rebels but later wants Mr. Rebel to become Mr. Responsible.  You can't have it both ways very easily.  Let's face it, most guys who have frequent run ins with the law and are on the dole aren't going to be the most stable providers.

There are plenty of good guys out there, they just may be in the bookstore rather than at the bar.

[becks715]

Abortion is a personal choice.  That's something you have to decide for yourself and look deep inside and find what's right for you.  But I wouldn't use it as a way to get out of the relationship.  I'm sorry but staying with the guy just because you are going to have is child is a cop out.  

MANY women do it on their own and that child is going to grow up with a dad who isn't a dad.  He will eventually do what he does to you to the kids - when he feels he doesn't want to be invovled he won't be and then when it's convienent for him he will be.  That's VERY unhealthy for kids to be around it will breed trust issues, personal issues, respect issues etc.  He doesn't respect you if he's only in the relationship when it's convienent for him which is exactly what he's doing.  

And believe me, moving in together won't fix the problems which it sounds like you think it will.  It might get better for awhile but it only go back to what it is now and get worse.  He's not ready for a true relationship.  Move on even if you keep the baby.

[hottie069]

It is a very hard decision to make, but i am 6 weeks now so time is a very big issue, please give me ure honest opinion about the baby it will be very valuable to hear

[hottie069]

thankyou so much, and i know you are very rite. the problem i have is if it was just to do with me and him and i wasnt pregnant then i would be gone and he can lead his own life and i wouldnt be walked over, but the problem i have is the baby i am carrying,. i have spoken to my sister and she thinks the same as you about him, i know you are all right about him in some ways, my sister thinks i should have an abortion and not make the "biggest mistake of my life" but its easy for her to say as she isnt the one that would have to go through it and i am personally quite against abortion, do you think i should have the baby or would it be best for everyone if it was no longer an issue?

[raindelay]

Don't you have some family or support you can turn to so that you can give Mr. Nice Guy an ultimatim to either be a responsible man or hit the road?

[raindelay]

hottie, regarding your last question, I don't know because I have never looked the guy in the eyes.  But, for what it's worth, there are pretty good indications that you're not going to materially change a guy who is 32.  If he was your age I would say he perhaps has some maturing in front of him.  But, your guy is 32 not 22.  

One thing you have to do is to grow up real quick.  I don't mean that to be condescending or judgemental but the fact is you are a now a mum of 3 who is hanging her hat on the 32-year-old-ex-best-friend-of-my-other-two-sons-dad who is not showing much signs of being on your team.

What's that mean? Well, you can either continue to rely on Mr. On-the-Dole or you can look this situation in the eye and say, "I need to rely on myself so that I can bring up little boys to be good men."  Those kids have to be the focus and you have a tough road in front of you.

One thing is for sure, holding out hope that your boyfriend will magically turn into Mr. Husband overnite is surely a lesson in futility.  Moving in together sounds like it would make sense but in reality what's going to happen?  I'll give you a clue.  Mr. No Job will hang around the flat all day treating you like his personal assistant, doing what he pleases, giving you no help, telling you your other kids are "your kids", and taking advantage of you.  Meanwhile, as long as you keep your mouth shut, the kids are well behaved, you keep sleeping with him, pay his bills, and don't hassle him about his partying/drinking/friends/run ins with the law/etc., he'll be just peachy.

Look at the evidence because what you have seen is what you are probably going to get.  

[hottie069]

thankyou, you say to run like the wind and i very nearly did before i new about the baby, but if you was pregnant what would you do?

[jml1986]

I hate to say this, but he sounds like it is more of a booty call then a relationship. If it were me, I would run like the wind. Good luck on whatever you decide.

[hottie069]

thankyou and that is only half the story and you have said no different to anyone else, like you said the trouble is i have a life growing inside me it will be his first child and he is very excited, we are usually great together but the problems seem to come in when we are away from each other, we are looking at moving in together because we both want it and it would be a better family life, i have known my bf for 6 years he was my ex's best friend! (bad i know) he is also my sons god father and has always been great with my children and i do believe he will be a good father to his own, he does need to grow up though as you stated, i feel i constantly make excuses for him and i do annoy myself sometimes but i really have fallen for him, i am 22 he is 32, i really dont think i could go through an abortion and he has told all his family the "happy news" they are thrilled, do you think it is possible he will change enough to be a good partner and a daddy too?

[raindelay]

I'd say you've got a problem on your hands.  Your boyfriend treats you like **** and now you have his child growing inside of you.  Have you considered what kind of father he is going to be to this new baby let alone to the two boys you have by another man?  Kids need good mum's and dad's so they can model what it is like to be a good person.  

Quit thinking you're going to change this guy because that's a pipe dream.  He's about to become a father and needs to start acting like an adult rather than an immature child.

I'm sorry but by what you've described I would say that your choices are not very good.