Don't Know What To Do

[redsox04]

I am 20 and have met the girl who I feel could be "the one" and we have been together for around a 1/2 year.  Well just like I do...she has a past which included her being sexual with 4 other guys...mine only involved 2.  But for some reason I still can't get over it.  I think about her with other guys often and it kills me and I get upset and in a bad mood which in turn results in us either getting into a disagreement or fight...but its not like we fight 24/7 over it.  We have a great relationship...its just that I have let that get between us a couple times.  She knows about it and that I think about it but she says she loves me too much to leave over it and I really don't want to lose her.  But then again I can't keep doing this...I honestly don't know why.  I mean my other 2 serious relationships ended with me being cheated on so I do think I have some trust issues and am kind of insecure.  Any suggestions or anything I could do would be greatly appreciated because I don't want to ruin our relationship.  Thanks

[BearHitch]

It is good that you want to get this worked out- I had a sexual past and my DH really didn't, and it still sometimes surfaces problems in our relationship.  He has been working through it for awhile, and it does take time.  Just from the point of view / position of your girlfriend, sometimes I don't always know what to say to DH- so you'll have to be patient with each other as it is worked out.    Like slow_healer said, it really depends where you live on how much counseling would cost.  Some insurance plans cover counseling, you'll have to check into yours.  Good luck!

[slow_healer]

It depends on where you're living, or even where you are working. In Canada some communities have a "crisis line" you can call to find out where you can access these resources. If you're a college/uni student, these services are usually provided and accessible to anyone. However, if you're living in another country, someone else will have to field this question, although I'm sure this site has the links to hook you up. Good luck!

[redsox04]

Thanks guys.  I have done better the last few days after talking to her...again...about how i feel.  I guess since I got to talk to other people and hear their advice instead of just talking to her and upsetting her I realized how stupid all this is.  But just another quick question...how much would some counseling cost??  I mean for any other girl I have been with I wouldn't even think about it, I would just leave.  The reason though is that I really want to stick with her and will do whatever I can.  Thanks again

[koukla29]

I think you are worried she will cheat on you because she has had more experience sexually than you do.  However, this doesn't mean anything.  You need to be able trust her, and if you don't, don't be with her.  Definitely consider counseling because if you continue going this way, it will ruin the relationship.

[slow_healer]

The effects of cheating are profound - particularly on the cheated party. Don't underestimate how much your past with girls may be affecting you now. Some people never get over being cheated on and never learn to trust their partners. That kind of baggage is unfair and unhealthy for the new relationship.
tmv is right on about how your girlfriend is not the same girl now as she was before. Her past choices had nothing to do with you. Really think about talking to someone (i.e. a counsellor) or start journaling. Write down how you're feeling, ask yourself all the questions about why you're stuck hurting in some places. It's simple, easy, and 100% private, but it can be really effective to untangling your feelings. Good luck!

[stephni]

My boyfriend was the same way. I was married before and he couldn't seem to come to grips with that. I finally told him that if he didn't like it, then he could go about his own way and call me when he felt like having a real relationship. The thing is, you were not there in her past, but she may see you in her future. Why worry about what happens in the past when there is nothing you can do to change it? Do not let such petty things eat at you because it will turn you into a monster. I agree with tmv, get some counseling before you regret ruining something with jealousy.

[tmv]

I would suggest counseling simply because you seem so open with it and really want to change. I don't blame you for being mistrusting or insecure. But, a professional can help you get past those issues. Realize, too, that she is not the girl she was in the past. Best wishes to you.