Fiance -Sex addict

[Lisa935]

I am concerned as my fiancee admitted to being a sex addict. He masturbates and watches por movies but recently threw out all the movies and he had an extensive collection. He also had email contact with his ex in sexual content for about a year or even longer. We have been together for 2.5 years.
He's embarrased to go to counseling however has gone one time and felt weird. It's diffficult for me to deal with this as I know the truth and it makes me feel uncomfortable when we have sex.  Anyone else experienced this? Suggestions? Advice?
Thanks


This discussion is related to Is my fiance a sex addict???.

[specialmom]

Well, addiction along the order of self medicating means that there is an underlying issue. People could be avoiding emotion or a difficult situation that they subconsciously don't feel they can or want to handle or they may have unresolved anxiety or depression, they may have childhood hurts that they've never dealt with so have deep anger inside and avoid it by the addictive behavior as it numbs it, or they may have an issue with the nervous system that causes them to crave a sensation they get from the addictive behavior (all just examples with many other possibilities as well)-------------  so a person needs to look at what is underneath and seek help for "that" so as to not turn to a different addiction as they tackle the first one.

I would always recommend therapy to help with that.  Luck to all.

[factlover]

i think you gave a very practical advice....

it seems that u r some kind of professional in counselling or .......??

anyway, can u further guide on issue u mentioned below as

"if he gives up one addiction he may be prone to starting another (alcohol, gambling, shopping, etc."

how can we reslove such...."transforming addicition"

[specialmom]

Well, this is a tough one.  He's expressed and admitted to an addiction.  He seems to want to change in that he's thrown out his loot.  He's tried a therapy session.  Etc.  I think that he must get over the embarrassment of it as a therapist sees all kinds of people with all kinds of issues.  He is not unusual to them and that is going to be his best bet for true help.  He's going to have to work this like a 12 step program.  It's going to be hard.  Porn is readily available on the internet these days.  And I don't know if he carried on the sexual internet conversations with his ex while with you but obviously that shows that he might take things one step further.  That is worrisome that he may be unfaithful some day to quell his urges.  If he works it like a 12 step program, it becomes an addiction like all others.  And he should do this because otherwise, if he gives up one addiction he may be prone to starting another (alcohol, gambling, shopping, etc.) because addiction of this sort is self medicating.  He needs the therapy to get to the root of wha the is self medicating for.  

Now, I don't get all the talk from tinkerbell about fiance's and babies and all of that . . . out of left field to your question-------------  but I do agree that this is a red flag.  When we are contemplating marriage which is already hard hard work, we want to make sure that no major road blocks are present.  So, to move forward to marriage------- I would want him to be actively working on this whether he is embarrassed or not.  And even if he works on it--------- just know that he is a riskier person to marry because he can always relapse.  If you see that he is trying to overcome it and you think he is worth the risk, then go for it.  But make sure he is seeing a therapist and working a program.  
good luck

[brice1967]

Yeah, it can be embarrassing to go get help for this, but if he were sincere, he'd leap at the opportunity to get help and show you that he is serious.  

Counseling would consist of him, a therapist he's never met, and perhaps you.  If he's not willing to get help, whats the use really?  

[wannabeamama6]

The only way to fix the problem is for him to get help.

U say he threw out his collection? And stopped talking to this girl? It seems like he's moving forward. But from what I understand. No sex is the advice they give when trying to jump this fence.

Look into it. See what YOU can do to help him. Ask councillers.

Good luck!