Fiance's crazy ex-wife continued

[mami1323]

His little girl loves us and loves spending time with us.  Ever since his ex-wife found out that we were getting married she has made things complicated.  She plays games and starts arguements with my fiance all the time.  She loves to control everything and does things without realizing the effects it has on her daughter.  The latest thing is she accused my fiance of threatening her and went to the police.  Now we had to hire an attorney and go to court.  Meanwhile I was there when she so called accused him and he didn't threaten her.  Not only has this put stress on us financially but emotionally as well, we also haven't been able to see his daughter because we fear that she will try to pull another stunt.  She brain washes this little girl and we are afraid once she finds out that I'm pregnant she will try to do something else.  So we have no choice but to stay away.  My fiance is so sad, he just wants to be a father.  I really don't have a question, I just wanted to let it out because I'm so sad for this little girl and for my fiance.  He is a good father who loves his children.  I feel a void because we cannot share this baby with his daughter and she was looking forward to me getting pregnant.  Anyone with advice I would appreciate it.

[mami1323]

So we went to court today and basically the judge ordered him only like 1 or 2 sessions of anger management and that was it.  They didn't buy her story so she felt so stupid.  It was the best moment.  Now we can move on and not deal with her **** anymore.

[slow_healer]

I hope it is helpful advice :)  Sometimes a person just finds themselves in these situations, and the amount of stress can just consume you (I'm been there, not in your particular shoes, but definitely in sh**ty situations). I hope that your fiance recognizes how taxing this has been on you too (not just him). I suspect he does :)

[slow_healer]

Hmmm, it sounds like she`s just not over your fiance, especially him moving on. If she was afraid of him killing her, why would she initiate so much contact

[slow_healer]

Hey mami, I just wanted to say your fiance should not feel completely lost. If I were him I'd explain to the daughter very kindly that for her sake and everyone else's, he's going to make the fighting stop by avoiding this situation. But to let her know that he still loves her. Send birthday and christmas cards (at least - those involve little to no contact). When she is grown up, she'll be able to make the decisions for herself whether her father was the jerk her mom made him out to be.

I'm really glad to hear how he's managed to stand for himself and his new family.
I think sometimes men have a hard time dealing with these situations simply because they've never expected to be in them. To use a sexist analogy, it can be like us trying to fix the kitchen sink with our partners standing in the background, impatiently waiting for US to take the right approach.

[mami1323]

thank you for the support.  He tries very hard to be a good man and a good father.  We just mailed her a birthday card for her birthday this past Monday but we can't guarantee that the witch gave it to her.  He's explained to her that if he doesn't call her or pick her up that it's only because he doesn't want her mom to get him into trouble.  Then the crazy b*tch had the nerve to send a text message to my mom (fyi, my mom was the third party pick up and contact that my fiance arranged so that he didn't have to be in contact with this woman, this obviously didn't work) saying someone please call her daughter because she sad that no one has called her on her b-day.  So I called and told their daughter that we loved her and that daddy didn't call because he didn't want her mommy to get him into trouble.  She really wanted to talk to him so my mom text messaged the witch telling her to have his daughter call him and he will talk to her.  He didn't want her to have record of him contacting her, cause she may say he is harrassing her.  Guess what she didn't have her daughter call.  She's a real freakin whack job.  No cares about her daughter, that's how we knew it was her playing games.  

[slow_healer]

I believe that some people (man and women both) can be truly selfish and unable to empathize. It sounds like a lot of attention-seeking behavior, like the daughter is the one card she can hold over your fiance`s head. Based on what little you`ve shared, I`d guess this woman harbours HUGE resentment that your fiance is moving on, and then huge resentment AGAIN that her daughter gets more love from him than she does.

In a situation like this, I think only the daughter should be calling (ep if you`re trying to avoid having records). Ignore the mother`s ridiculous demands, as I suspect the more you guys react the more empowered she feels over you. It`s too bad the daughter is so young; I hope she`s fairly mature for her age. If she can understand that she needs to take charge of making the phone calls in her relationship with her father, the relationship stands a good shot.

But don`t give in and don`t let that little girl become objectified as some kind of collateral. If the daughter becomes angry, don`t give up. Situations like these are a lot for a child to take in. As long as she and your fiance have their own understanding, their relationship can survive (and probably thrive as she gets older, as she starts to see her mother`s behavior for what it is).