Husband disrespects me

[woozy]

I have a question that pertains to an email I found the other day. My husband doesn't passwork protect his account and he showed me this email the other day that he had written to a bunch of his friends. I looked at it yesterday just to read..it was kind of funny. well, he's added more to it, including a message to a friend of his saying that when he's at AA meetings he can't stop "goggling" at the women and has an uncomfortable attraction to a few of them. he states he probably shouldn't do anything about this but chalk it up to testorone and being male. but asks his friend has any suggestions (also in AA).. then another part of the email states he's married to me and loves me (most of the time)..
what would you make of this?
Our sex life isn't the best and he rarely seems interested in sex unless i initiate it?

[pertykitty]

id say he needs to work his steps. id say that a happily married man might joke with is friends about a gal that is good looking, they dont need suggestions, there shouldnt be anything to even question. how long has he been in sobriety? he openly showed this to you? maybe he is trying to say something but cant actually say it. woozy when i have questions regarding our relationship i discuss this with my husband. even the little things, so we can talk about it and work it out. have you asked him about this? having family in aa and even going to a few meetings with them, i know that there are people who do tend to "go through" the opposite sex. are the women new? there is a term called 13 steppin (i think). it is when the older aa members reach out and take advantage of the new members. im not saying he is doing this, but there are many questions you need to ask him. i dont know what he was thinking or his intentions or how he meant what he said. avoiding the situation leaves things open to trouble. you sound troubled over your sex life too. maybe its time to get to a couples counseling session or two.

[woozy]

how's the "you know what" coming along? :)

well, thanks for the advice.. i did talk with him about it. He says he always checks women out but felt weird for doing it in AA.. I just thought it strange that he is uncomfortalby attracted and is looking and "wondering"..
and we are in marriage counseling..so we at least are trying that..
it just hurt my feelings to see it in black and white.. I should go to some AA meetings with him I guess. He's been sober since November and has had one relapse that lasted a day..

[pertykitty]

that is a great accomplishment! i think that people in recovery together tend to have a special bond. so i can see how he might be feeing uncomfortable. was he joking then? it sounds like he is open and honest with you and that is a big +!!
my you know what? lol my pregnancy? its great. or my dh being gone? its not horrible. or everyone thinking im a biotch on the maternal forum? haha i have given myself quite a name.
why not go with him when he gets his next chip? or just go anyway? lots of family go, i did, and it was great to see the love  and acceptance that was there.

[pertykitty]

have you checked out an al anon meeting? some like them some dont. but you and other people can talk about what you go through being in a relationship with an alcoholic. worth at least one try!

[slow_healer]

Woozy, it sounds like he's coping with not having the alcohol dependency. People find (unhealthy) comforts in many things - alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. He's trying to kick alcohol, but still feeling stressed, and looking to other things.

Plus the lure of a stranger is always so tempting because it's an escape. The stranger knows nothing about you or what you've done (unlike your long-term partner whose gone through all the **it with you). It's good that you're already working on rebuilding your marriage because it might take him a while to come to terms (and even feel forgiven) for how alcohol might have played a deconstructive role in your lives.

And don't let the poor sex life mean that your marriage is done. Your husband probably has a lot of inner work to do before he can feel confident and attractive in front of you again. I don't know your situation but that's just a thought.

I would highly recommend attending an Al-Anon meeting. You'll find there are a lot of other people who live with alcoholics that have a lot of frustration and grief to share. I have seen firsthand partners and children who have needed as much counselling and healing as their alcohol-binging spouses. It might feel scary, but think about how much harder it will be on you to hold such heavy feelings inside. I hope this advice is all appropriate - good luck!