Avatar universal

He is PER"FIT" for ..EXCEPT...He's not christian?

Sensitive topic, to some.

Previously I was dating another guy..Lets call him(Nick) I have known Nick all my life. (Child-hood best friend) and we were in a relationship for almost 4 years, in-fact ..my FORMER anniversary date is May 14 2009.. ANYWAY.

So I choose to end the relationship with Nick because I felt as if our relationship wasn't going anywhere, and we were "out of sync" so to speak, and his maturity level is not there.
      Three months before I broke up with him I felt this way, but I kept pushing to be with him because I love him and care for him, I felt as if we'd probably marry after awhile. .Y' know the usual?. Nick introduced me to a WIDE variety of positive things. He brought me to his church (his dad is the pastor) and I'm not a HUGE religious freak to the point where I shun people and shout "THATS A SIN!" to everything. That is not me, but I do believe in GOD. I love MY church, and although I do not pray as much as I should, I do thank GOD everyday for his riches and glory..

Moving right along. I recently got into another relationship with another guy (DJ) he is just absolutely FANTASTIC! he wines and dines me, holds door for me, makes me smile, makes me happy, is goal-oriented, want to make better of himself everyday, VERY EDUCATED, graduated college, the list goes on and ON! and on-top of it all he's a real stand-up guy in the since of saying that he is all truth no lie,  but he is fabulous! and I love him to bits! but the only thing that is bothering me is...

WELL, He DOES believes in GOD, -prayers,-blessings..ECT

Whats the problem then? I'm not sure myself... :/ to be honest.. I guess I feel that sometimes he's insensitive about the topic, he feels as if he has some different belief in HOW Christianity goes, but after his explanation its the SAME thing that majority do believe to be true. We can never talk about the topic for very long because it ends in an argument, or me crying, him annoyed because he doesn't understand why it's just so important.

with my previous boyfriend; -We prayed together, -Talked about God together, -Talked about topic's we felt indifferent about.. It was just a wonderful part of my former relationship and I just loved it, I wish ALL the time we could do that but it's difficult when he doesn't see the big deal.

It's like something that's a part of me now, and I've talked myself blue in the face trying to explain why, and he's always like "I understand baby, but I don't see the big deal." I worry this could cause a future problem maybe?
I don't know what to do about it...

By the way if ANY of this matters at all:

   We will be together 5months in another week or so. I will be turning 22 soon and he is already 22. I have known him for 8months, and he always talks about his desire to spend the rest of his life with me, It's to early for me to even fathom but I do love and care for him dearly... Sometimes I don't even agree with his desire because of this.

-Confused and Conflicted.

All opinions and thoughts are well appreciated
Best Answer
Avatar universal
"I worry this could cause a future problem maybe?"

It already is, isn't it?  It's causing this big "BUT" in your mind, this huge red flag, this huge warning sign.  You like to have God as the focus of your relationship, and he's not seeing that as a big deal.  In other words, it's not something he really desires.  Does he go to church with you?  Do you at least see him in the Word?  Or does he seem to profess but not show fruits?  That will be a big indicator if it will even ever be possible to get him to find the intimacy rather than "awkwardness" of a relationship centered around God where you discuss faith-related things.

Either way, your needs at this point do not match with his needs, and he doesn't seem to be willing to try.  It's already causing problems.

If you desire that, he probably cannot provide it now and possibly not ever.  It may be time to break it off and look for someone else who is willing to at least try to provide what you need/are looking for in a relationship.

At the same time, if you've mentioned this is something you loved about your past relationship, there may be some insecurity causing him to pull back.  Discuss with him, rather than why YOU want it, why HE won't do it.  Maybe he's afraid he won't measure up to some pastor's son faith-wise.  Maybe he's afraid he won't measure up, more importantly, to YOUR EX.

You're going to need to do some serious discussion and soul searching.  Sounds like discussions may have been centered around why YOU want this rather than why He does not.  Pray about it, but this may be a deal breaker since you want it badly enough it's already bugging you five months in.
14 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
973741 tn?1342342773
Yes, everyone is certainly entitled to what they believe.  But for some, a belief in God is required and that's good to know that up front.  It would be a deal breaker for me as that belief does more than other things like "we both like Chinese food, we both like sports", etc.  It is one of those things that permeates other things we do and how we raise our kids, etc.  It's easiest when a couple is the same religion, it really is.  Or it works out if one of the partners in a relationship is willing to honor the other's religion and participate in it.  OR if both couples think it is important and will find a church that both feel good about and agree with.  Or if both have no faith.  Otherwise, it's a lot of work. Two people with fundamental beliefs on this issue do often have issues if they are not compatible in areas around faith.  good luck
Helpful - 0
3136223 tn?1367960716
I, myself, as baptized Catholic as a baby, but I never made my communion or participated in Lent or anything to do with that particular religion. My father was Catholic and my mother is Baptist. So as I got older I started going to a Baptist church rather than a Catholic one. I stopped going when I was about 14. When I was 16 I started dating a guy who was Lutheran. I went to church with him and his family. Now that I'm 23, I haven't been to church since I was 19. My thing is, I do believe in God, but I don't belong to any certain faith.

On a social networking site called "MeetMe," my friend was asked, "Do you attend a place of worship?" And she responded the way I would've, she said,"No. I don't like organized religion. It feels too forced... Mostly every religion believes that there is a God, but they all believe in 'different' things. I'm not opposed to others going though. It's just a matter of opinion." My friend used to be a very heavy church goer, then she just stopped. My grandma is VERY into the Baptist faith, I mean, NO drinking, smoking, tattoos, piercings..ANYTHING. I have a tattoo and she brings it up that I'm going to hell because I'm an abomination for getting one. She's also.. not homophobic.. but she's VERY against it and REFUSES to be in the same room as my best friend, who is gay. She also sometimes doesn't want to be around my sister or myself, we're both bisexual.

Sorry, I went off track and kind of ranted, but I think that as long as you and your boyfriend share SOME of the same beliefs then it should be okay, everyone is going to believe something different than someone they're friends with, dating, acquainted with.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for all the wonderful words of wisdom you all have given me I will take them all to heart. :)

Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi there.  I think that when we pick someone to be with----  we have to be pretty particular. I am faithful.  That's important to me as it is a fundamental belief system.  I also wanted kids and would want them to be raised with a belief in God type of household.  I couldn't marry someone who didn't share this fundamental belief as it is important to me.

And we date in order to judge whether someone is going to fit our life and judge by that if it should go to the next level.  We are not suppose to end up with everyone we date.  We can love many people but we need to be true to our needs and not overlook or brush aside major differences.  

There is something that I've read that often happens.  When someone of no religion marries someone with religion---  often if they stay together, they are not a church going couple.  

If he is open to exploring religion and opening his heart and mind to it, then explore it with him.  If he isn't and says so right now, then I think it is best to cut your losses now and move on.  peace and luck
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
Oops the last two paragraphs were to be deleted, as it's repetitive.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
I think you are looking for a guy like your X, without his faults.,and that is not this guy that you're currently with. I don't understand though why you're saying he's not a Christian? He is a Christian, he believes in God, he has standards, integrity, morals, and values, it seems. He just does not want the same amount of rhetoric as yourself right? If you don't feel that you can get your fill in a church group, and bring him to church on Sundays (what most men will do) then it sounds like you're not going to be happy. And if you're not happy, he won't be happy, and the relationship is doomed.  

I think it is his will that he prays privately. He's not you, and it seems it's a requirement that he is exactly like you and your x in this department, in order to be taken seriously.  I think he believes, as many do, that when it comes to religion or politics, he doesn't have to be joined at the hip to respect a spouse's beliefs.  You most certainly can have a healthy marriage, if he's such a great guy, and talk God with others who are so inclined. It is YOU that needs to decide if this is a deal breaker, it sounds like it is. and you need to let him know. You may want to bring him to a church, and join and see where it goes, maybe spell it out with a pastor exactly what you expect from him, but the chances of him wanting to discuss God "all the time" as you would like, is unlikely. If you can accept that his relationship with God is his business, and at least give that  to him that he's a Christian regardless of whether he mirrors your involvement, you may have a wonderful, beautiful marriage at best, or a good break up at the least. Hope all goes well for you both. The fact is, pitter patter , let's get at 'er, it sounds like you both deserve a great partner. I wish the best for both of you to find that quickly, together or apart. You both deserve it.

He may choose not to make the commitment that you're asking, or he may then choose to get involved in order to marry you.

He may believe that spouses can still enjoy a full marriage and raising kids without being joined at the hip in a church. He may believe the same things as you, have the same values and morals, integrity and standards without having to talk about it , twice a week or more in church. That's the choice you have to make for yourself, if that's acceptable to you. If the rewards are great enough. He sounds like a great guy, but if you feel that his not attending church with a fervor is going to impair your children's lives, then you need to move on. He may be happy with his view of God and how he deals with his own spirituality, and he may be fine for you to raise the kids in the church, with him showing up on Sunday. I would think any man could commit to that. And if he can't do that, I'd be concerned.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I would try to find another church since your ex is acting rather creepy in still trying to contact you and such.  Unfortunately, there are some people in churches who will gossip and make judgment as what happened at your Ex's church, but there are some that have people who genuinely care.  Do you know what your beliefs are on key issues such as salvation, music, Bible version, the "dress issue," etc.?  These will be key if you want to keep to a certain belief's system when choosing another search.  If you don't have particulars, you can just try a variety until you find one that fits what you are desiring and that will feed your spirit they way you need.

I have my doubts this boyfriend is offering more than lip service when it comes to the church thing.  He's not going now, and he's not made any moves toward finding one on his own (that you've mentioned) or trying to understand you (there's a difference between saying you "understand" and truly understanding; he truly does sound as though he's placating you with lipservice there, too, rather than truly understanding).  I think God is speaking to you.  He's allowing you to see this huge issue that is going to crop up and make you miserable eventually if your spiritual walk with God is what you value.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
If You talk YourSelf "blue in the face" and He doesn't "get" it - well then, (my opinion) is this is NOT a "good match".

I'm sure He is a very, very good Person (as are You) BUT He has to "get it", (for Your sake as well as for His Own), if You are going to be ToGether for a LifetTme.  Otherwise, in the long term, You (Both of You) will be "out of sync" as You say, and being "out of sync" is BIG, Very Very Big, in the "long term".

You also say "You have prayed about it, but GOD said nothing and You do not know how to do anything without being lead to do it first"

My thought of that statement/my feeling of that statemtent:

God gives us "freewill" to "choose" whatever the issue may be.    GOD expects/wants/hopes  that WE will choose the "right" path.  HE (GOD) is not there to "change" or "decide"or "fix" things for Us.  He gives us CHOICE, and HE hopes that in our Faith and Belief, that We will make the correct one(s).  In the end, WE are responsible for the Choices We Make. (and then, God will "reward" us??)
I note Your user name "BeautifulSol" and I opine this IS important to You (sol ,soul) - so don't, DO NOT EVER "settle" for less than Your own Belief, Standards, Morals, Integrety, Values, etc., etc., etc.
and from the Bottom of my Heart,
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
YUP lol.

I'm always like, "LORD he does fit my needs as of NOW and MAYBE later..BUT" so many red-flags.

He actually said he would go to church with me, but we have no church to go to...I was going to take him with me to my previous church

but my break up with my EX caused HUGE controversy (Really stupid) most of them sided with my EX, and most of the supported my decision because it was my decision to break up with him for my own valid reasoning.

.my EX began acting VERY foolish; coming up to my work, my house, leaving  me voicemail's, ect. I have had to block him from communication with me..

My boyfriend does not feel any type of anything towards that .."dude" lol. In-fact he's pretty angry with me ex and feel's that he needs to "grow up" to this day he still tries to message me on FB.

and I have Prayed about it, but GOD said nothing and Idw to do anything without being lead to do it first:(

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal

Hi Life,
  I do and have compromised a-lot of things in my life, and he's actually willing to go to church with me, he just doesn't see why its important, and I would love to marry him but to be honest, I'm not climbing over seat too, and if he asked right this moment I'd say no. Though he said he'd go, he said,"I'll go, and if I chose to, I'll go back"

and this is probably stupid...

but my pastor always said,' When GOD sends your husband, he will be fit for you, and your needs, whether you like it or not" so I never really even believed I'd be climbing the seats to want to marry the husband GOD sends me,

I do feel weak in the knee's when I see him though.. every time :) and I cant stop smiling when I'm with him, he gives me a sense of peace,joy and love that I have never experience though.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for words and wise wisdom Blu,
I currently was attending a church and I loved it, but when I broke up with my boyfriend my previous EX, it seemed as though a large percent of  my so-called church family  turned against me because my EX would no longer be happy and I was just thinking about me and my happiness , but my heart is HUGE and I never did think about me (I am always told that). I did everything for my ex, and he never did much in return, and everyone  at me church is fairly young or way to old, I don't go to church to look for a husband, I go to church to build my relationship with god, if God just so happens to put my husband at church that would be awesome though.
Thank you:)
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi and welcome. From what you wrote a part of  your personality expresses itself and you dont seem the type of person that can compromise what your looking for in life.
Just break up with him too and move on as that special person does exist but you have not found him yet. Thats what dating is all about.
Ill tell  you one thing that ive learned in my years. When  you find the right person you will be weak in your knees for him and would marry him the next day and climb the highest mountain just to smell his hiking shoes after  your down from the other side.

BUT what ive also found with this type of knock me out love, is that the other person dosent feel the same way and the relationship consists of constantly trying to get them to feel the same way and can be very exhausting and all of sudden its 30 years later and no change.
Helpful - 0
1696489 tn?1370821974
We all know that religion is a very big part of our culture.  Even if some see it differently than others, those of us who beleive in God, beleive in God.  Our own personal relationship(s) with God are exactly that: personal.  by that, I mean the strength of our devotion, how and when we pray and worship, how much ceremony we think is appropriate, and whether we choose to 'spread the good news' or not.  I feel that people who are considering serious relationships should have close to the same beleifs, because, if not, it will just continue to be a problem.  Do you think that joining a women's prayer group or Bible study group would satisfy your need to feel closer to God?  If not, and you feel that not having your new boyfriend 'on the same page' with you in this is simply not enough, then you should consider possibly just being his friend (or not being with him at all), and look to your church for a possible husband.  Blessings - Blu
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.