What's this all about?

[PassionFlower09]

So my husband had an emotional affair (maybe even physical- only God knows).

So I have started my therapy. I am doing things that make me better relatively successfully. Now my husband is showing signs of insecurity-he acts like I am the one having an affair. What is this all about? This may sound bad, but I'm kind of enjoying it- he deserves it. It only gonna get worse.

By the way, it has been about a year since all this **** started happening-  I survived.

PassionFlower09

[Gotmoxy]

You've already answered your own question. You are "mending" yourself. This takes time. You've already completed the first step in healing. You are now in control of your own feelings and have learnt to "brush off" anything he throws at you. He is the one with the problem. He always has had it. Where do you see yourself in a few years? Is there something you're working towards? Do you want to own your own business or a piece of property? Do you want to travel the world? Everyone needs to dream and set goals for themselves. When you stop dreaming, you start dying.

[PassionFlower09]

Thanks Gotmoxy.

We can only control ourselves.

They don't get that we are not babysitters and that we will get tired of "having" to micro mange them. We just have so many other things to do. I don't think they understand that in regards to our situations, getting tired is bad. There is a point where enough is enough. And like a car which shuts down  when to many things start to go wrong, so do people. At that point it is too late.

I was just recently listening to my inner dialog and feelings. It amazed me how this has affected how I feel about myself. Sometimes, when I think about all that has happened, there are times when I just feel like for him, I wasn't good enough. I don't feel that  way now based on any present behaviors of his, but past behaviors.  The effects  of his behaviors have lingered. I was much more confident.

Maybe you guys can tell me how to get my confidence back.  I am trying to be positive  and make correct choices. But, deep down, I don't completely feel like the person I was before all this happened. I feel broken- even though I am mending.

[Gotmoxy]

Good for you! I feel exactly the same way. If I ever feel I am not being treated properly, I think to myself "Oh well. I am not going to get stressed about this. It's HIS problem, not mine. I can find happiness within myself." I just think about the goals I have set forth for myself, and work towards those. I go to work, I take care of the children, and save money. Eventually, he comes to me, usually within the same day, and says "I'm sorry. Just being a jerk." He acts the same way when I dress up to go out too. I like to look good, because it makes me feel good. That's right. We are not their babysitters. Like I said before. Just keep doing what you're doing, and brush off whatever comments come from him. He's only trying to get a reaction out of you to justify the way he's feeling.

[PassionFlower09]

Hey Special,

I have already made my decision .I guess time will tell if it is the right one.  

My husband says he loves only me, he is not talking to those B****ches, and I am the only one he cares about.

I decided to give my husband a second chance. That is, we can move forward but if it happens again. I am gone. I still have lots of doubts and fears.

I  am still sad/depressed at times. I guess it just takes time for healing. I am working on me. I can only control "me" and how I react. AND  I have a plan for me. IF my husband, reverts back to his old ways or if I find out that he is still lying to me (be it today or in 20years) I will execute my plan which only involves me being a complete and happy person, living my life and executing my goals no matter what or who.

I turned my anger into a productive force (trying to anyway). Yes, I am still angry. I am indignated. How dare he treat me this way.  BUT, It is not worth it. I don't have time to babysit or micro manage a person who knows the difference between right and wrong. I refuse to do it any longer. Besides, I am young and hot.  If it doesn't work out, I may hurt for a while, but I will get over it. And I won't be alone.

[PassionFlower09]

Thank you Special- Go to Starbucks- I did    : > )

[specialmom]

Let me explain that as I hit post comment before I finished----------- man, I need some coffee.  I think that you are doing a good job of exploring who you are and working on yourself.  That is a great start.  I see your strong personality in your posts to others and at times about yourself.  You are getting stronger.  I think part of the problem you are having is this internal conflict of being strong and wanting to stay married to this man.  I think it is worthy of effort to try to work out a marriage.  I really do.  I take committment seriously.  Marriage is the mother load of committment.  But we need to look not lose ourselves in that.  I feel like you are actually finding yourself.  Your voice will get stronger.  But if it gets stronger and you feel you can not forgive your husband-------- you must live what you preach.  May sound dumb but that is the thing I say to myself.  Live what I preach.  It keeps things in perspective to me.  So I think that eventually you will have to decide which direction to go in----------  and at some point you will have to NOT want your partner to feel bad or insecure if you are going to stay together.  That you do now is very indicative to me that you are not at the point of reconciling this marriage.  So down the road and probably sooner rather than later-------- you will have to decide if you will be reconciling for real or just staying with him while still seething with anger.  
I do think you have made great strides with therapy and hope it continues!  Good luck passionflower.

[specialmom]

live what you preach.

[PassionFlower09]

Thanks Ashlen,

You are correct. If he does what he promises, then great- things will be fine. If not, then I loved and learned a lot. And I will be stronger in my next relationship.

As I  think (and say more often than just think)- Only time will tell.

PassionFlower09

[Ashelen]

well your last reply sounded to me like a woman who is trying to heal from pain and whose head is in the right place. now i just hope that things go the way you deserve them to go, and with hard work and honesty you and the hubber can get your life together and move forward instead of standing still.

but if he does this to you again...don't walk, RUN away. I don't even know you and every time I see a post from you saying he's hurt you again I get pissed at him...you deserve to be treated with love, respect, honesty, and dignity...if he's willing to do that, WONDERFUL...but if not...please, take care of YOU.

good luck with the therapy! It can help if you're open to it, for sure.

[PassionFlower09]

Sorry for the zillion post, but in my reply I should have written,"So at least the old wounds can start to heal since there are NO new ones".

[PassionFlower09]

Gotmoxy

I think I will continue to dress up and look good. Thanks

PassionFlower09

[PassionFlower09]

Thanks everyone,

Ashelen, It is hard and it is easier said than done. I am sure you probably (at least once I hope)  recall me writing this in other post  in some variation. Well that applies to me too.  If I have never said this and I am just imagining that I said it in a dream, then I was really thinking this when responding to post.

I decided to give my husband a chance to really be the honest person he "finally" promised to be. He understands what is at risk if he screws up.  I want to be able to say, I gave it my all if worse comes to worse. It still hurts. It doesn't seem like he is still lying  and etc. So at least the old wounds can start to heal since there are now new ones. With that being said, it is easy to get angry when I think about the pain that was inflicted on me.  I really don't want him to hurt, I just want him to understand.

Thanks for you reply. I am glad I am getting better too. Your post is a reminder to me-So are all of your post.

This is why I love medhelp so much. Thanks everyone.

[Ashelen]

I don't mean to sound rude, but I've seen you tell people in far less painful situations to just "walk away"...because obviously you care that they're miserable and that they deserve better. why don't you want the same thing for yourself? if you can tell a total stranger "you deserve better, you should walk away" from a situation that's not EVEN as bad as yours has been....why can't you do the same for yourself?

you do deserve better. I'm glad you're getting help, but it seems like there's always something about this relationship that is hurting you and going wrong...at what point do you take care of yourself and just move on? the fact that you can "kinda enjoy" the insecurity that he's showing proves that there's a vindictive vein in you right now..which is understandable, but it's not healthy and it's not conducive to a healthy relationship or a happy life.

[mami1323]

What's the point in staying in a relationship that is this way? I mean it doesn't sound like a gratifying relationship. You're always angry and happy that he's feeling distressed.  Those who have done wrong will be insecure for fear that you will do it back to them.  This isn't exactly healthy either. I understand that feeling a bit of satisfaction because you were hurt but you have to figure out if this is how you want to live.

[teko]

Maybe your husband feels you pulling away and realizes he may be faced with living life without you? Thus the insecurity.

To me, no relationship is worth these feelings. I would rather live alone.

[PassionFlower09]

I know Special.

I am really not being vindictive. It is just that he is experiencing a little of what I have been feeling for such a long time.

I am just doing what I need to do ( I think)- taking of me. I am actually kind of proud of myself: I am not really caring so much about his email, or what he does. I am not as depressed as I used to be, I just made of my mind that I will be the best me I can be.

I am strong enough to give him a chance, but If he blows it then I am getting strong enough to leave.

I am still sad, but better. This little joy is 1 for me out of 1000 for him.

[specialmom]

I would say that your enjoyment of his distress is not a good sign.  Feelings of being vindictive and angry will sabotage any relationship trying to recover.  I hope that you are able to get over that if this relationship is ever to move past your current state of unhappiness.  While they are normal, if a relationship is to continue------- there has to be an end in sight to those negative feelings.

If your intention is to become strong enough to leave him--------  those feelings will help you get there. I think you will soon come to a crossroads as to what your next step should be.   You will either have to leave or let go of these feelings.    

Good luck.