Help with relationship

[Gotmoxy]

So, recently my sexdrive has gone down. This has caused major problems for my bf and I. I think it's because I hate my job, we have two girls that fight constantly, and he is always humping my leg the moment I step foot in the door! Like every hug and kiss turns into him initiating sex! I think it takes the fun out of it. He's constantly talking about it and trying to plan it with me. Planned sex is kinda boring. Don't get me wrong, though. I am very sexual and like to try new things. He's not as kinky as me, but is getting better. When we do begin foreplay, sometimes we get into an arguement. Like if he's pleasuring me and I ask if I can take over and watch him pleasure himself, or let him do something else to me (sorry, I know, to much info.). He'll get all defensive, and think he's not doing a good job. That's not it. I just like to change it up. Also, as I get more turned on, it becomes more important to stick to certain spots, if you ladies know what I mean :) Girls can always do it better, cuz they know what they like. Well anyways, this has set us up for an arguement. He says he's not even going to try to initiate sex anymore. He says he has nothing to look forward to in the evenings anymore. Who says that??!! Like our relationship is just built on sex!! We also had plans for tomorrow night. We both had sitters, and we were going to go to the movies and then have friends over. Today, he tells me he wants to go out with the boys. I'm thinking it's because he doesn't think he'll get sex out of me, so why hang out with me. That hurts. I told him, he's not single anymore. I don't think there is any reason for a taken guy to go to the bars without his significant other. Bars are meat markets for singles and cheaters. He doesn't even have any plans with them yet. It's all up in the air. I told him he should not burn me tomorrow night, because we already have plans. I'm going to talk to him again on my dinner break. What do you guys think??

[imanaddict]

I am one of those girls who very rarely experience an O through intercourse alone. I can count on one hand how many times that has happened! The only way I can accomplish that is by having a clitoral O either right before sex, or during. Holy moly, it's wonderful getting both!!! It's too bad that I can't experience that every time, but when I have, it's been a mind numbing sex session! ;-)

[Gotmoxy]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I think I have my sexdrive back! I updated my resume the other day, and plan to apply to a couple places of interest tomorrow morning, before work. I've gotten excited over the thought of having a less stressful job. It has made me more content, and put me in the mood. Now, the kids still drive me crazy, but that's another story, another time..................Although I wanted to point out Perch that you said that you climax during intercourse, but that is only through the clitoris during the act, right? I was talking about finding the G-spot. I have found an area that seems to be more sensitive within me. Maybe that is the spot. I dunno. LOL It feels good though. Again, thank you all!

[perch101]

I'm not sure about that statistic! I've always been able to have an orgasm from sex - not from all positions, but definetely from the ones where the right spots are stimulated!

The thing is - (I'm going to be a bit grapic here!! Sorry!)  I'll use missonary as an example - if you just lay there and don't use your body movements to get the right spots touched, no - you won't have an O. You need to tilt your pelvis to meet his thrusts, and then, trust me - you can have an orgasm through intercouse!!

When your boyfriend said his ex had them through intercourse, he probably wasn't lying - becaue guys can sometimes 'feel' your muscle contractions as you come.

Trust me girls - move your pelvis up to meet his movements and you will orgasm during sex - because then you get direct clitoral stimulation. I don't know how graphic to get on medhelp, but if your on top you can move in such a way that it's possible too, and if you're both kinda 'sitting' (your sitting on him facing him) its also very possible.

I've seen it written before on medhelp about women not being able to orgasm through sex and refrained from posting this because its such an intimate issue, but after reading this post I just had to comment!!

Good luck!

[mami1323]

Girl, I guess I'm not part of that 30%...lol.  I rarely have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation.  I also had that issue with my fiance.  When I told him to touch me at the same time he got defensive and said it made him feel as if he couldn't pleasure me.  I had to go into the whole explanation with him.  Now that he's got it, he pretty much does what I need.  But they do tend to take it to heart.  I also have had issues with my sex drive being low at times and high at other times.  I think sex is so much fun in the beginning because it's new and you do want it all the time.  After awhile it does get monotonous, even when you try spicing it up.  I am not the type to want sex each and every day, I like it to be every few days or so, this way when we do have sex it's fun.  I was told that I may have an issue with an underactive thyroid and that's why my sex drive is low, I need to get it checked out.  So I do recommend you doing the same.  I think having a healthy sex life is important but I also believe that it shouldn't be the only thing going in the relationship.

[Gotmoxy]

also I fell horny during the day. It's at night when I get home from work, when I don't.

[Gotmoxy]

Thank you Rachel. I'm not on the pill. But, I'm pretty sure that the daily stresses are getting to me. I don't have job satisfaction, and us living together is a new thing. We both have one daughter from previous relations which we have full custody of. So, now we both have added responsibilities. We both work full time, and it feels like our place is constantly in need of cleaning. I think that's the other thing. I can't relax and enjoy myself when I know there's dishes to be done, and things to be picked up. I know i need to learn to not worry about those things. They can always be done afterwards. I'm a perfectionist with OCD. So, that probably interferes quite a bit. He was being really nice to me last night, and we are still going on our date tonight. I'll make sure I get into the mood tonight. I wish there was some herbal supplement that would increase my sexdrive, or maybe a change in diet?

[rachel474]

Gotmoxy,

I recently suffered the same thing. I've always had an extremely high sex drive.. thinking about it at home alone, at work, on the train - everywhere. But then I started a new relationship and went on the Pill and day by day it got worse until it eventually went completely. But the problem was the more I didnt want it - the more my boyfriend did. Even the thought of sex would turn me off. I was just content not even thinking about it, let alone doing it. It really affected our relationship because naturally he thought it was because I didn't fancy him/didn't enjoy what he was doing or just simply wasnt "into him" anymore.
But the truth was I did fancy him, I did love what he did and was 100% into him and he was very hard to explain that I just wasn't up for "it" anymore,

I'd get the same thing as you, where he was trying it on literally as soon as I walked through the door - it was putting such a strain on us that I knew something had to change otherwise I'd lose him. I know it's not all about sex, but it is a big part of the relationship. The only thing I could pinpoint it on was the fact that I'd started the Pill. So I made a decision, and came off of it. Pretty much instantly my sex drive returned and now we have it as much as we can - of course there are still times that I am tired or p*****d off from work or have a geniune headache but our sex life has returned to how it should be.
With regards to telling him what you do and dont like I agree with Specialmom - teach him with encouragement instead of critism. Men hate not being able to do stuff properly and tend to just sulk instead (sorry guys!!) What he does right - make a big deal out of it. and what he does wrong, guide him to do it properly.

Whether he is telling the truth about making them other girls *** during intercourse will be something you'll probably never know but by going from the statistics it probably isnt true. I certaintly never have but my boyfriend does pleasure me orally everyday which I orgasm from - some women can't orgasm full stop so be happy that you can from clitorial stimulation :)  and dont let it bother you.

Maybe think about the last time you was up for sex, and what was different in your life then - I assume it was since your children were born as they are old enough to fight with each other. Are you on the Pill? Have you changed it recently. Do you feel like all you do is work and be a mum and therefore don't feel as sexy as you once did? Just try and think what situation you were in the last time you would have been happy for him to take you by the front door and think about what has changed.

Also one last thing! - Try and pleasure yourself alone when your man is not there - I found that by remembering what feeling horny felt like, it made me want him once I saw him.

Sorry for the essay and hope that helps :)

[Gotmoxy]

Specialmom and Brice,

Thanks for the input. I have told him what I like and told him that I liked what he did, and he was doing a good job. We communicate very well. I told him how I've been feeling lately, and that I don't know why my sexdrive is down, and that it has nothing to do with him. I just don't want to feel pressured. Normally, in relationships, it's me initiating. So, maybe the lack of control over the initiation bothers me as well. He also was angry with me as to why I never spontaneously go down on him and initiate things. Well how can I do that, when you're always all over me??!! We voice our opinions very clear to each other. We talked during my break and he said he won't go out tomorrow night if I don't want him to. We got babysitters and made these plans, so of course I'd be pissed if he burned me like that. Oh, and before I forget, he also doesn't understand why I've never climaxed during intercourse. I've tried explaining to him a zillion times that almost all women have that problem. Clitorial stimulation has been the only way I've ever climaxed. He says it makes him feel like less of a man, because every other girl he's been with has. I told him, without trying to be rude, that many of them were probably faking it. I've made noises I didn't have to make in other relationships too. LOL Either that or he's just been really lucky to hit that 30% of women that can, every time. I mean, during intercourse, some areas feel really good inside, and I'm sure a climax could be possible with alot of work. Maybe if I could climax through intercourse, I would want it even more. I know for a fact I would. I think that's another thing that bothers me. I would really like to be able to reach an orgasm that way.

[brice1967]

Well Gotmoxy, my situation is similar.  For the first couple of years, I was the initiator of the sex in our house.  Always started off with me pleasuring her, then all of the rest that might normally follow.  Somewhere along the way, I apparently was doing it all wrong.  She never said it, but didnt have to...she'd ask me to stop pleasuring her orally.  This happened every time for a while. (In my head, her making me stop and how she was telling me to stop told me that I sucked at it....so I gave it up)  She went years without having oral pleasure.  And, if I was horrible at it, I certainly didnt want to put her through if....really, whats the use to be asked to do something and when you get into it be told to stop.

Fast forward a bunch of years.  (Something bad happened that I wont go into) WE began to openly talk about what we liked and what we didnt.  She told me exactly how she wanted it......and now I knock her socks off every time.  I cannot tell you how good it makes me feel to know that I am fully satisfying my wife, rather than just going thru the paces....

The key for us was communication.  We weren't really communicating!  Neither one of us wanted to hurt the others feelings.  The simple fact of the matter is, if we would have communicated we would have been having a way better time!  Tell him what works, what doesnt.  You yourself, be open to suggestions.  It can and will get better but you'll both have to put forth the effort.

Good luck, practice makes perfect and the practice can be a bunch of fun!

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well you started by talking about your sex drive taking a dip.  That would mean you aren't all together in the mood as often as you or especially he would like.  He's attracted to you and wants to be with you.  You are not thrilled with other things in your life and it carries over to the bed room.  I get that.  I had a low period when my boys were little and I felt like everyone was literally hanging on me and my libido was not great.  Luckily it has improved.  I think that understanding why our libido is low is important.  Could you be depressed or anxious?  Simple stress can kill the sex drive.  We women also fight our homones.  I know that when I still had the baby weight on-----  I also didn't feel very sexy even though my husband acted like he didn't notice.  So thinking about all of those things and addressing them is the start to fixing libido.

But . . . then you went in a whole other direction.  I think that possibly if you have been not in the mood much which you either tell him, rebuff his advances, or he can just tell from your demeaner and then when you ARE together, you are acting like you don't like what he is doing . . . he may have become insecure a bit about the whole thing.  Everyone wants to think their partner loves their style.  He might be feeling that you don't.  And you know how men (sorry guys) can be.  

So this is a tough question-------- are you two sexually compatible?  I agree wholeheartedly that it is not the only thing in a relationship or even the main thing but it is part of it.  It isn't essential to be perfectly compatible in this area but it does make things easier.  

I think that I'd talk to him heart to heart style and tell him how you are struggling with your libido and are working on that.  Many women (and some men) go through it.  Then tell him how much you love him and his style and the things he does (even name examples).  And then for the next several times------- just let him do his thing without interrupting him.  It is not like he is trying to only pleasure himself but he is just not doing exactly what you like.  So he isn't selfish, he's just learning.  Take a softer approach to teaching and give it a bit of a break for now.  Then when you do start to guide him again-------  do it business style "I love it when  you do this (a positive) oh and would you try this" (what you really want him to do) followed by "you do all of this great honey!"  

I think if he is still saying he wants to go out with the guys on Friday.  Let him.  I agree------  I don't mind if my husband goes to a bar but he has to be home by midnight.  Yep, like a curfew . . . but I ask you-------- what happens after midnight in a bar???  Exactly my point.  He doesn't need to be there for that.  And who am I kidding------- my husband hasn't been out at night at a bar in about 6 years.  But he will go to happy hour with his guy friends.  But before we had kids and we had just married, I too had to set some boundaries.  It is okay to do but he is going through something this week (your guy) and I'd just give him his space.  I bet he decides not to go if you have a good conversation tonight.

Okay, good luck!