He's not emotionally connected...

[KrissyH]

My DH says he loves me and is committed to me . However, he admitted that he is not emotionally connected to me. He said it is because he is "broken" and that it has nothing to do with me..he says he can not connect with anyone in that way. He has tried counseling which did not help. He tells me he loves me but I feel like that is an empty phrase if he truly does not care. Is there anything more I can do? I feel like I should emotionally detach from him so that I don't feel pain from this. I do care deeply about him, am attached to him and love him.

[KrissyH]

We do talk but there are a lot of times where he pulls away and says "I don't want to talk about it and don't bring it up." What I mean by not emotionally connecting to me is that he has great difficulty with any holidays (he feels stressed at Christmas because he feels he is forced into giving gifts), he is quick to get angry if something is out of order or I make a mistake (he can't bear mistakes) and he is a very work-oriented person--he can hardly sit still and just hold my hand. Cuddling for him is a chore--he wants to do it quickly and "get it over with" to get to more important things like work or just being alone. He would like nothing more than to be alone for days at a time, so long as he knew for sure that I loved him and would be around whenever he actually wanted me to be around. He just says he feels empty most of the time, he does not feel an attachment towards me and he has guilt about past relationships where he feels he let good ones go because he did the same thing to them (they left him or fell out of the relationship with him because he either found someone else he thought he could do better with or because their needs were not getting met). My issues are that I have never had both in a relationship--either I get the physical connection without the emotional connection or vice versa and my past bf have said to me at some point or another "I love you, I think you are great, but I just find we are better off as friends--it's not you--it's me." With my DH, I figured he was different because the last thing he wanted was to be friends--he eagerly sought out the marriage and engagement and was giddy about our relationship in the beginning--he was bringing me flowers, etc. Right now, he tries to be kind--he will go out of his way to make me dinner or will do some laundry but he says the reason he does this is because he sees it as "his job" to provide for me and look after me physically--it is like I am one more chore on his list. He says "I love you" but honestly, I think he says it so that he can hear it back so that he knows all is fine and he can go on with work or being alone. I, on the other hand, say it to him because I mean it--I really did think I had connected with him since we do talk and we do go away together, etc. I don't understand someone saying it for the sake of hearing it back.

[Happy2girls]

I am sorry you are going through this.  This must be tremendously stressful.  I agree with Dove that your husband sounds depressed, deeply depressed.  I hope that you can separate HIS problems from YOU, this has nothing to do with you or your loveablity.  Do you have children?  

[KrissyH]

I have children from a previous marriage and we are actually pregnant and due in May with a baby. I thought things were not so bad until he admitted he was not emotionally connected to me and now I worry too he won't connect with the new baby at all. He's a good father to the children and I know he will be a good dad as far as providing and looking after things but I do fear that only I will be connected to the baby.
I am trying to realize it has nothing to do with me...but...I've heard this before about the connection from previous bf a long time ago and I wonder if it is something I am doing to cause the disconnection. I've tried being supportive, then I've tried giving him space...I've encouraged him as far as the counseling but I don't want to push either...

[Happy2girls]

I know what's it's like to go through stess when you are pregnant and again I do feel your pain.  I know it must be difficult to not take your husbands distance personally, especially given your prior relationship but I really do think the choice of words is coincidence.  Please try not to give that another thought.  I am curious, you said he used to be different, did he change during the course of your pregnancy?  Some men do change when they find out they will be fathers (mine went temporarily insane).  It brings up a whole lot of insecurity and fear in them.  Unlike women, men don't usually verbalize their fears, they internalize them.  I am not saying that's what happened here, just bringing up the possibilty.  Whatever the case, remember that you can love and support him but you can't save him from himself, he has to do that on his own.  Good luck to you and please treat yourself well.      

[KrissyH]

He used to be different but that was way before I was pregnant..it was at the beginning of our relationship. When we first met, he was outgoing and seemed relaxed and while he seemed a bit intense, it was in a good way--he was always going out of his way to surprise me with notes on my car or flowers at my work, etc. He seemed to want to hold my hand and actually spend time with me. I think that that phase passed once he realized he "caught" me and he hasn't gone back since, unfortunately. While I realize this is normal in every relationship, I do want to still be listened to and cuddled and have him pay some attention to me beyond "pat phrases". Anyway, you are correct, it is not something I can probably do on my own to change him...I would love to see these changes both for himself and for me but I realize it has to come from him first. It is weird, but he can acknowledge the fact that he is "broken" but then that becomes the excuse for everything. He said he doubts it ever can be fixed...which is a frustrating state to be in--I would rather hear him say that he hopes it will be fixed or he will try until it does get fixed--I think the pessimistic view point could hinder him moving forward.
Thanks for your advice....

[Happy2girls]

Has your husband ever been on medication or would he consider the possibilty?  Is he still in therapy?  You are right that you need some attention too.  It sounds like he is using his "brokeness" as a convenient excuse to have his needs met while ignoring yours.  I am going to suggest to you that maybe you should get some counseling either with him or by yourself so you can gain a better insight into why you have allowed this to go on so long, maybe you can get some ideas about how to live your best life whether it's with or without him.  You really do deserve to be happy.